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I am totally confused. I have been married a number of years now with a school aged child.
He is sex mad.
He thinks twice a day is acceptable. I don’t.
In fact, I don’t want it at all. If I refuse he throws a tantrum and his mood is unbearable so I agree to keep the peace.
I do want sex, but maybe twice a week? I find that reasonable, but he thinks it is ridiculous, I am depriving him of his sexual rights.
I often wake up to him fingering me, trying to put it in me. I always try and brush him away but again the whole ‘depriving him’ of something natural conversation starts again and I reluctantly agree again.
The final straw for me was last week. We were trapped on the motorway due to an accident. Child in the back. He tried to undo my jeans to get his hand down but thankfully, I’ve put on abit of weight and my jeans were too tight for him to undo (yay for weight gain!) He then undo his jeans, got it out, put his jacket over him and grabbed my hand and made me w**k him off till he came. I was disgusted. I tried to refuse but he kept saying stuff and kept my hand on it.
I am sure it’s a form of sexual abuse along with emotional abuse. He often tells me if I ever leave him, he would take his own life etc.
Away from the sex we have a good relationship, this is why I am confused. I am just so sick of the sex side of our relationship that I just do not know what to do. Is it a form of abuse?
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Yes this is abuse. He’s coercing you and guilt tripping you into sex, refusing to listen to your requests not to so you’re basically forced to. In many ways it sounds like rape to me especially how you wake up to him already trying to have sex with you. You can’t consent if you’re asleep and it sounds like he think he can do what he likes without your consent which is a massive red flag.
Holding your hand down forcing you to masturbate him in public is abusive, it’s sexual assault.
And saying he’ll kill himself if you leave is emotional blackmail and a very common tactic of abusers.
He is not treating you with love, kindness or respect, he’s treating you as a masturbatory tool.
Look up the Power and Control wheel in Google and the Cycle of Abuse. See if they relate. I’d be v surprised if this man is a good partner in other ways when he behaves like this.
Also ring the helpline for advice. I rang them very confused and they helped me a lot to figure it all out.
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Please ring rape crisis. This is what happened to me in our marriage. This kind of sexual assault is to do with power. I said yes to just about everything in my marriage to keep the peace, however I did not want sex and this made him more determined to regain the power and control of that part. It’s what abusers do. Try contacting your local women’s aid. You probably aren’t recognising other forms of coercive control like threatening suicide. Another form of abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. My ex would keep me awake for hours until I relented just to get sleep. Wake me really early when I was too tired to resist. Make veiled threats about how he wouldn’t want to live if I ever left or he would make sure I never saw our child again. Google the cycle of abuse. It’s the good parts that keep us trapped in the relationship. Living with a rapist and sexual abuser will destroy your mental health. It’s not acceptable and it’s illegal x
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Mine has kept me awake till I have sex, he gets moody if he doesn’t have it as often as he wants. He tells me I should be grateful he still fancies me especially as we have been together so long. Sometimes I instigate it just to get sleep or peace. What I don’t get is how can he enjoy it when I clearly aren’t? I have woken up to find him having sex with me. He also claims we only have sex when I want as I reject him when he tries to start. But he does stuff I have asked him repeatedly not to do.
I hope you find the answers you need. -
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Catjam, what you say about how they can enjoy having sex with someone who clearly doesn’t want to. That just shows you the depth of feeling and emotional connection. None. It’s hard to get your head around but they are empty people, empty shells. The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is have absolutely zero contact. Contact is toxic. Don’t try to work them out. It’s pointless. Just know they are empty men who enjoy the thrill they get from abuse.
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Hi there
Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be.
He does not have a right to sex and he does not have a right to your body. This is rape and sexual abuse. It is another form of control and he uses it to make you feel guilty.
You also mentioned he threatens to kill himself, this is emotional blackmail to trap you in the abusive relationship.
As others have mentioned you may want to call Rape Crisis or the National Domestic Violence Helpline.
Take care and keep posting
Best Wishes
Lisa
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