Confused – manipulation?

[Missssy]

Hi ladies – sorry in advance for the long post but I feel I need to explain what happened in order to give you the full picture.

After being in a very abusive relationship (which increased in severity when pregnant – harder punches, weapons involved, threats to kill me and abort baby) i left after being assaulted again soon after giving birth. His mother was aware of everything that had gone on. Of course she still wanted him to see his child and I agreed, providing she was there the whole time. We made this arrangement and he seemed to be in agreement until he got hold of the baby and refused to allow his mother to be there with them. She did not inform me of this – ‘so as not to panic me’. But then he tried to effectively kidnap my baby and started refusing to give him back, taking him out in pouring rain with no coat or anything on. The police became involved and her main issue was protecting her son from the consequences rather than being concerned about this newborn baby. I went no contact with them all and She then began pressurising me to allow them to see the baby (by post and contacting my mother etc). He was then arrested and conditioned to stay well away from me no contact etc. And I heard nothing from any of them for a few months.

Then as I posted before, he popped up in my local high street when he had no ties to the area, pacing up and down, spotted me, made sure I saw him by walking past and staring at me and then made a beeline for the station to leave the area. Only a few days later, his mum turned up at my house (we didn’t realise it was her otherwise would have ignored) but had a bag of clothes we had all bought the baby when I was pregnant, and a note about how (detail removed by moderator) and it’s been so long since she last saw my child and she’s his grandma and she has relatives who have not met him. In the bag of clothes (which came from HIS house) there Was jewellery for the baby (detail removed by moderator)

I’m sorry to go on but I don’t know what to make of this. I don’t feel she is to be trusted and I don’t feel that I can take this on face value. (detail removed by moderator). Please give me your thoughts? Is he behind it? Is he Trying to stage a return or manipulate me further?

Sorry again for the long post. Thanks ladies x*x

[Serenity]

The piece of jewellery (detail removed by moderator)is significant- as is just turning up at your house rather than going down a formal route.

This woman doesn’t acknowledge normal boundaries. She’s pushing them.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Missy. I would call the police and log it. If she becomes more insistent, she could be warned about harassment eventually. x

[KIP.]

Hey there, I’m sorry to say but you gave this lady a chance and she decided to put her son before the child’s welfare. In the meantime I would go no contact with any of his family until this is sorted out. I would inform the police of her visit and also of the sighting of her son. You need to put your own mental health and safety first at the moment. You gave her a great opportunity to see the child and she proved she cannot be trusted. Even if her intentions are now true, you will never be able to trust her and the anxiety of leaving your baby with her would not be worth the worry.

[Missssy]

Serenity – I totally agree, I feel as though there is definitely emotional blackmail going on. I have a feeling that she was actually sent by him, I’m aware that she is afraid of him and she did back off for a long time.

KIP – I totally agree. I know I may have been stupid to do that, but I really felt like she was on my side at the time as it was all very fresh. After that incident I cut him, her and all of their relatives off and this led her beginning to harass me in any way she could despite no contact/changing number etc. When we got him arrested and he had conditions placed on him she stayed silent herself for months too. Then after him popping up she’s got in on the act and I wonder if he’s talked her into it. I feel if they were genuinely interested in seeing the baby they could have gone down the legal route?

I did report it they have noted it down (his appearance) and given her a ‘friendly’ warning not to contact me again. I don’t want any of them around my child.

I just don’t know what their game is, I think that’s what’s getting to me.

[Missssy]

Haha sorry I kept saying ‘I totally agree’ I don’t mean to ramble I just feel really affected by his abuse, the aftermath and self blame and recent events haven’t helped x

[danicali]

this is a hard one. in a way i feel sorry for the mother, who was probably also a victim of DV by her own ex partner, hence her son being abusive. her life must be pretty bad…

end of the day, your child has a right to have a relationship with that side of the family – no matter how dysfunctional they may be. yes, she breached your trust, but she is still his gran. and she’s also your ex’s mum, which means she will naturally try to protect him or defend him even when she knows he’s in the wrong

i suggest you set clear boundaries with her – crystal clear, such as her not just turning up at your house uninvited. for instance you could ask that she only contacts you by text message, or post, etc. you could also try to find a way to work out possible supervised contact (eg at a centre or somewhere) to ensure that your child is never put at risk, but still gets to see that side of the family. even if it’s just for a few hours per week

the mother sounds a bit desperate and what you wrote, i dont think she is trying to set you up or do anything nasty i think she just really wants a relationship with the child.

and finally, while criminal courts may have punished your ex for his behaviour, and too right they did, family courts could take the view that the child has a right to see his father (if this does go to court), keep that in mind, and with that, again, try to offer a minimal contact schedule that you feel does not put your child at risk – because a firm “no contact” policy may backfire… you have no idea the evils of family courts so your smartest move is to keep well away from that arena, and thus if you make a token offer of minimal supervised contact, in writing, then they have little basis to take this to family court (they only have a basis if you are refusing all contact)… also keep in mind that a grandparent’s rights at family court will never be as highly considered as a father’s – and with his record, well, that works entirely in your favour x

[Missssy]

Thanks for your advice danicali! I know what you say is true and she is his gran, but when I mentioned supervised contact before she didn’t like the idea of having someone watching over her visit. She went from suggesting solicitors, to ‘self referral’ contact centres (near her house, where you are actually able to take the child OUT of the centre) and then back to trying to make this c a dual type of arrangement directly with me. She knows I want no contact from her, and she shouldn’t be contacting me due to her sons bail conditions. I just feel that if she genuinely wanted to see him, she wouldn’t have sat quietly for this long. I feel that they all just see him as a possession, they’re not massively bothered about his welfare.

I agree that I don’t think she is trying to set me up – it was more me thinking that he is using his mum and my child to get into my head again.

But yes thank you so much for all the advice and information on family courts, I will look into your suggestions, I really appreciate it! X

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey Missy, when you were in the relationship did you have a gut feeling that something was wrong but you ignored it?

Lots of us did.

Now you’re back in the driving seat and you know what’s best for you and you know what’s best for your child. If you can genuinely and objectively say that you are keeping your child safe by keeping them away then stick to your guns.

Trust your gut.

[Confused123]

HI Hun

My previous post got deleted or may appear later, soon as i read your post it flag up keep the grandma away, she is not strong enough to say no to her son, hne willmanioualte ther and will slowly be in the contact again superivsed or not, dotn let this family wean themselves back into your life. They are out of your life for a reason, and by doing so u are protecting your child. Im sorry he has his issues but u dont want a child around some one whos not emotional stable. Do not feel guilty that the grandma can not see her grandson. I recently put a post about how my ex sis in law contacted me on weekend asking about kids, i did feel bad about breaking contact but the message deep in my head is idf this family is unstable and caused pain to me and my children and think its ok, i dont want my chidlren around these people, they may have a ok heart,. but it is my and the children best intreset for them to stay away as they have no respect for boundaries that apply to them

[Missssy]

Hi ladies – thanks for your responses.
the violence and frequent threats and emotional and mental abuse always left me unsettled/on edge, and downright hurt. But I always thought ‘something wasn’t right’… With ME. Like I caused it, and he was right to say and do what he did to me because I deserved it. I do NOT think this of other survivors, it’s just how I ended up feeling about myself in this situation.

I do have a gut feeling about him and his family. He is not allowed to communicate with me so is using his mum as his point of contact (which he also shouldn’t be doing) but there is no way she would want to see my child without alerting her own son to it. She’s totally under his thumb, as much as she tries to deny it. I just can’t believe the layers of manipulation. (detail removed by Moderator)

I do agree that you should trust your instincts on things like this, and confused123 I really respect your decision and how you are standing firm on it! You’re right if there isn’t any kind of genuine concern that extends beyond themselves then it would be of no benefit to your children x

[Serenity]

When I did the Pattern Changing course, we were told how we could choose to hold the people in our lives at different distances.

So those we trust and who care for us, we could hold closest; those whose behaviour worried or concerned us we could choose to hold at a greater distance. As survivors of DV, it was pointed out to us that we don’t need to give into others’ encroachments all the time, if we feel threatened. We have rightsabd we have choice, and we are entitled to healthy boundaries that protect our wellbeing.

The fact that this lady is your child’s grandmother doesn’t entitle her to engulf your life or to enter it as your abuser’s flying monkey. Abusers will use guilt and obligation to invade normal boundaries. If you sense manipulation, feel fear or sense dishonesty, you are within your rights to keep her at more of a distance, as you need to protect yourself and your child first of all. She might not have the strength or awareness to not be used as an enabler of your ex’s attempts at power: but you are aware and know more now about abuse tactics.

[Confused123]

hi hun

dont balme yourself that u deserved the abuse, they just make us think and feel like that, beleive me the amount of times my ex had told me i provoked him or deserved it …. u didnt deserve it , doesnt matter what kind of person u are but u dont deserve abuse full stop, consider taking counselling up and do the freedom course. U said yourself the mother in law is uinder influence of her son , beleive me keep them both away and report her too, she will think twice about approaching u next time

[Author]

Posts