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Feeling very lost and confused. I’ll give a brief explanation.
My first ever relationship was abusive. Emotionally, physically and sexually. I always promised myself I would never let it happen again.
I finally begun a new relationship with a friend after years of being single. Everything felt safe and well. The only issue being my lack of desire for sex due to my previous sexual abuse. My current boyfriend was (Is?) Patient and understanding.
But….last week we argued. I was tired and he started to do what he does. Make nasty little comments under his breath about me cheating on him. I usually let them go because I have learned not to say things that lead to trouble, but I was tired. We began shouting at each other and he ended up throwing me across the room landing on the coffee table and seriously brushing my thigh to the point I couldn t drive for days. I am still in shock that he of all people did this to me.
A few years ago we had a similar argument and he pushed me against a wall causing a lump on my head and threw a phone charger at me which cut and bruised my face.
I spoke to him about it both times and he said sorry but said I riled him up and he never meant to hurt me. Just meant to push me on sofa to get me out of the way. I’m so confused.
He is caring, takes care of me for the most part. But I cannot be around him when he is drinking as he always makes nasty comments about me to the point my friends have stepped in and said something. Other than that it’s just these under the breath comments about how I’m up to something or seeing someone. Where did my new eatings come from? Who’s hoodie am I wearing? Who just text me? He also days if he found out I was cheating he would kill me…not ever been able to decide if this a joke or not.
Am I being blind as this is so much more subtle than before as here’s no rape or punches or headbuts?
Or am I over thinking. I mean he has been so patient. And although we occasionally have sex (more for him than my want but I go along with it) he must be sexually frustrated which is my fault. I have given him the chance to leave and find someone more normal but he won’t. But most of the time he says he loves me, Cooke everyday. O m not sure if this is some kind of manipulation to make me think I can’t live without him either.
Need some advice. -
Me again! Feeling the need to clarify that he is so nice most of the time. I do believe he loves me and cares for me so much.
Maybe i shouldn’t be here. Urgh so confused. Also need to add when he is angry things get broken. The bin, tv remote the wall. All get thrown or punches. Better than me though I suppose. Apologies for taking up people’s time If I am being silly. Just need reassurance I suppose. -
Big hugs. It sounds like you are having a tough time.
He is abusive. Anyone who hurts you physically is 100% abusive. It doesn’t matter how frequently it happens.
Look up the cycle of abuse. My partner can be nice as pie for weeks then be cruel.
He’s also verbally abusive. Just because he mutters something under his breath doesn’t mean it wasn’t said.
Phone the helpline. They can help you.
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One hundred percent abuser. I think you are minimising his behaviour which sadly is what abuse victims do. Until it’s too late. Ask yourself if he was behaving this way to your mother or sister or best friend, what would you tell them. Ring the helpline or get in touch with women’s aid. They were fantastic. The cycle of abuse is how they keep us trapped and confused. We work so hard to get the Mr Nice back that we ignore the Mr Nasty Dangerous. It’s awful mind games and tricks. He has shown you his true colours, believe him x
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I agree with the others, he is a classic abuser. I think because you have experienced abuse before this behaviour probably seems normal – it is not. Accusing you of cheating, nasty critical comments putting you down, physical abuse then blaming you for it saying you ‘riled him up,’ throwing you across the room hurting you so bad that you couldn’t drive, pushing you, throwing the phone charger in your face causing bruising and cuts, this is all very high risk, dangerous, violent abuse and is not normal or safe at all.
You’re not being silly at all. Please ring the helpline, they are wonderful on there and will help you with your options. Please put your own safety and life first. You can learn what is and is not abuse by doing a pattern changing course and reading up on abuse. Abusers are always nice as pie at certain times, it is one of the things that keep us trapped. Look up the Power and control wheel in google and the Cycle of Abuse which is a good start to understanding all of their behaviour.
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He is most definitely abusive. I can only say what I always say…..read your post as if you are a third party. As if it was something your friend or relative wrote. What would you make of it? What would you tell them?
You don’t need a headbut or punch in the face to make it real. This is abuse.
Please try to call the helpline x
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Hello me again. Thank you everyone for your replies. Still feeling unsure to be honest.
I should also add that someone did tell him I was seeing someone else which wasn’t at all true. I wonder if that started this all off. I can’t remember when it all began in all honesty. Is that an excuse for this behaviour.
I mean I’m sure he knows I wouldn’t cheat because it took me so long to be with him and I understand that the thought of me cheating would be upsetting though.
Or am I making excuses again?
I kept wondering if in a few years I will look back like I do my ex. I can’t help but compare. Eveb though he has hurt me it’s not like my previous relationship. I dunno maybe you’re right and this is my normal. Especially when I do late to my ex an injured thigh isn’t as obvious as a black eye so I don’t think it’s so bad.
Ringing the helpline seems so stupid and overdramtic now he is being nice.
Anyway thanks again everyone xx -
Hi Forgetmenot,
Abusers are not the same. Each abusive man will behave differently.And they are not always showing us their rage or jealousy or contempt, they are nice to us as well because if they were only mean to us we would not fall in love in with them, or have them at all in our lives, or stay with them.
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