confused

[Scully]

OK I’m just going to tell this as it is cos at the moment I feel like I’m losing my mind so I need an outside perspective.
I met a man almost (detail removed by Moderator) years ago at my work place. I was already married but me and this man hit it off so much that I honestly believed i had found my soul mate. I had a good relationship with my husband but nothing like this, this made me believe in soul mates although previously I hadn’t. Anyway I told my husband after about a (detail removed by Moderator) as it seemed the right thing to do and the new guy wanted us to move in together so we did. I have 2 kids with my ex husband as well and the plan became that I would get settled with new guy then the kids would gradually work up to staying with us, this never happened though thankfully due to how things have turned out. Within a few of months of moving in together he started to have a shorter temper with me and would have a go at me about things he had previously found cute. Also at this time he started to tell me about his childhood and how he used to be beaten and neglected by his mum, how he was almost killed by a bunch of school kids when he was younger. He also told me about his abusive ex wife who was a manipulator and had prevented him from seeing his daughter despite going to court.
Then a few months in he had some bad news regarding the daughter he has with his ex wife. Anyway it was like something in him snapped. He would yell at me for little mistakes or things that I would say that he started to call stupid. For example because I moved to a new area so he could be near his work (I didn’t work there anymore ) I would often get lost as I’m not great with directions and for some reason that was enough to be yelled at right in my face. Gradually I became afraid to open my mouth cos he would yell and scream, then the threats moved in. Shut up or I will punch your face through your skull. Or the night I barricaded myself in the lounge after a row where he came at me with a knife. He would sometimes apologise for his behaviour but more often than not he would just go back to being loving and I would be relieved so I let it drop. At this point I was making excuses for him due to the past he had told me about, plus after his outbursts he would go back to being the man I fell in love with.
Then one day he was in bed not wanting to eat, get up or wash, the atmosphere in the house was tense. He had asked me to leave him alone which I had but he hadn’t eaten in hours and is a diabetic so I was worried. I went quietly into the bedroom and asked him if he would like some dinner, he yelled f**k off in my face. I was so taken aback by the aggression that I said look you laying here sulking isn’t going to help your daughter u need to get up and get over it. The next thing I know he had his hands round my throat, he let me go after a few seconds but it was still terrifying. Something in me snapped then and I started to pack saying I was leaving. He said let me help and started throwing my stuff onto the street. I was shaking by now and be was just getting everything and throwing it onto the dirty wet pavement. I ended up calling the police so I could finish packing and I told them what he had done. They were two male officers and they didn’t say anything to reassure me just watched me pack and leave. I went into hiding at a friends for a couple of weeks as he threatened me and called me constantly either to threaten me or beg me to come home. A woman police officer visited me and wanted me to press charges but I couldn’t do it as I felt sorry for him! ! While she was there he called me like twenty times.
After a couple of weeks though he stopped threatening and went back to being loving all the time, I found myself missing him so i returned.
However after a few weeks it all started again although now it was just yelling and threats. I started to feel so unwell that after yet another row I left again. I thought that was it but somehow he wormed his way back into my head/heart. I ended up moving a little stuff back saying I would move more stuff back when he could prove he had changed his behaviour. Then one night I sat up in bed to drink water and he woke up screaming that I had woke him up he ran round to my side of the bed grabbed me and held me like he was going to punch me. He ended up punching the wall next to me. I ran got my clothes and started to dress he just stood there. Then it was like for the first time he saw what he had done he fell to his knees and started rambling sorry. Crying he begged me to take him to hospital to get help so I did. We were there hours but he did end up being referred to a counselling service. This was his claim to change. He had to wait a few weeks though before the counselling started and in that time he still had outbursts but when I left one time he threatened suicide and said he was cutting himself. I dashed bask to find a tiny cut on his thigh and then he sobbed and talked until I agreed to stay. Now we are at Stale mate, I said to him I would move all my stuff back when he stops having outbursts and he says he will stop having outbursts when I move my stuff back. He is attending group counselling for ptsd which he claims to have from his childhood but it isn’t stopping his outbursts. I called him a psycho once after a especially nasty row and he said he told his support group and they couldn’t believe it, I’m sure he is painting me as the n****r.
The thing is even when I convince myself that is it I still find myself going back either cos he has begged me or I have begged him. I feel like I’m losing my mind why can’t I just walk away? Is this abuse or is he right and it is my fault especially as now I haven’t moved app all my stuff back and I have to spend a couple of nights away to be with my kids and support my ex as he is by himself with them. I only stay overnight cos of the travel distance but he claims the fact I do that is wrong even though there is nothing between me and my ex. Please help. Why can’t I end it and is it really abuse or his ptsd? He says it isn’t his fault that I often make him angry and he can’t cope cos of his ptsd.

[Serenity]

Hi Scully,

He can give the excuse of PTSD, just as people give the excuse of alcohol, stress, etc as an excuse for abuse.

Thing is, he seems to be able to control it when he wants. I am afraid he fits the profile of an abuser- initial charm, idealisation, things moving too quickly, then the horrible devaluing of you, the repeated cycle, etc.

He has dreadful rage inside him, that is for sure, but he is putting your wellbeing at great risk, emotionally, mentally, physically…

Also, sad to say, abuse normally gets worse over time, not better. Abusers might change one tactic for another if they are called up on a specific type of abuse. He might not hit you anymore for a while, as he knows he will be found out and the police might act, but he will up the emotional or mental to compensate. And once he has crossed the line of physical abuse, there is a huge likelihood of it happening again.

For him to behave as he has done, he has some huge issues, but like all abusers, he must be guilty of a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, respect for other human beings, etc to carry on in that way- and yes, you may have called him a psycho, but who wouldn’t? Ignore his stories about his support group’s reaction: abusers are great at making people feel sorry for them and acting like the victim when they have been found out.

I am afraid that abusers very rarely change and abuse gets worse.

You sound at huge risk and if i were you, I would go all out to do things to protect yourself: move away, get an injunction, go no contact.

Please don’t feel sorry for him. Abusers pile on the guilt and obligation, and try to frighten you into staying with them or by pulling at your heartstrings.

He sounds like a very dangerous and highly manipulative individual. Put as much distance between you as you can, however difficult. X

[Twisted Sister]

Hello scully
You’ve been through a hellish time from what you’ve said and i think you are very strong for writing all that out here and trying to work out how to help yourself.

Being pushed away and pulled back in the way you have spoken of is so classic of them. taking their anger out on you, and you are so clear in how you see it all, but no it doesn’t make it any easier necessarily when faced with tears and him trying to use emotional blackmail/guilt to draw you back in again. You’re a decent human being and want to help, sadly you can’t, sadly he won’t stop.

There are many mothers on this forum with PTSD, they might have outbursts, but these sound like definite actions to intimidate and scare you into submission, there are lots of other clues in the way he speaks of his actions, and in trying to gain sympathy from his group to somehow make his actions ok, is very wrong and his group is giving him support to abuse if this is the case.

One day whenever that is, each of us has/will realise it won’t stop or its just too terrifying/dangerous to stay around for the next outburst. I think they are careful not to overstep the line, wherever that line is, and isn’t it always the case that staying is more about feeling guilt to them, trying to help them, not upsetting them, being scared of them, rather than helping ourselves, listening to ourselves and keeping ourselves safe, or expecting any happiness for ourselves?

mine drew me in by flattery and charm and deep sensitivity! because of everyone ‘I’ understood his black moods, and accepted him for who he was.. never mind that it f’ed me up completely, that didn’t matter to him (or me).

You do matter, your feelings are no less important. If your ex is struggling to manage the children alone, use that as your leverage to get out if that helps? Thinking about your children and their needs, far above his (because he’s an adult) which are damaging to you.

[Scully]

Hi. Thank u for your replies. Often when I go back it is cos I feel sad or think oh poor him or that I have done something wrong. He justifies himself all the time saying I don’t pay enough towards the bills. The truth is we do struggle every month and for most of last summer I didn’t have a job so bought our food on my credit cards. Now I have a part time job but after paying my credit card bills I can only pay my half the rent,water bills and Internet bill. Cos of this he says I don’t pay enough towards things and now he has said that I should see my kids less to save on petrol so I can pay more to the household bills. We have had this argument this very day. I refused saying that I only see them twice a week as it is. They live about (detail removed by Moderator) miles away, I only moved out to his way for it to be easier for him to get to work as he didn’t want to commute. Now cos I have refused be said he is going to tell everyone that I am a lying sl**per who refused to pay her way and share the bills etc. His work place is connected to mine due to the type of work we do. The thing is even though I think I have done nothing wrong I’m worried what kind of bs he will come up with. He Is a top manipulator he has lots of psychology books and knows about CBT therapy etc due to his (detail removed by Moderator). I have seen him sway people before till they believe all the c**p he says. I tried to be one step ahead of him today and after our row I went to his precious ptsd group and spoke to the group leader. I told her that he was initially referred to them after he broke down after being violent to me. I told her I had hoped the group would help but that it only seems to feed his n**********c self righteous victim mode. She said she will talk to her superior about it but I don’t know if she will. He has gone to the group now and I’m sat in the house alone fuming at the injustice wishing I could retaliate somehow. I’m seething inside with one pathetic side of me still loving him and the other wishing I could take revenge even just one punch. I wouldn’t though cos then I would be as bad as him but also I don’t have the strength compared to him anyway. I’m starting to feel like it is either all just Game to him or he is so full of hate for himself that all he knows is to take it out on others, carefully though so as bit to get caught.

[Scully]

I still don’t know how he gets to me so much even when I’ve told myself I won’t let him.
It seems crazy, the emotions hurt and anger I have inside.
I don’t have anyone to talk to apart from my ex husband, I don’t have any close friends and no family apart from my ex and my kids. This guy who has no family either and he has only ever introduced me to two of his friends.
I don’t understand how this happened really I thought we had a connection. I’ve never had an abusive relationship before. I’m not the most confident person in the world (I was bullied for all my school life) but I think I’m kind. Although I have been told by a couple of exes before that I’m selfish. I’m just so confused. The woman from the ptsd group didn’t say that she thought it was abuse, she didn’t say much at all. I’m just having a battle with myself right now, the half that wants to walk away and the half that seems to want to stay although I’ve no idea why.

[Twisted Sister]

sorry to hear how you’re feeling Scully 🙁 its so good that you can express yourself here especially as there’s noone else you feel can be there for you.

I wouldn’t worry about anyone having loads of psychology books, they’re meaningless in terms of whats going on for you. Even if he didn’t have those books or know about CBT he’d still be who he is.

I would also think that the lady that runs the group is specialist in PTSD (or would hope so) and not necessarily very aware of how abuse works, and that he is her client not you, and that he will twist things to his own justification.

Maybe the point is that it doesn’t matter what he calls you or says to others about you or him because you know its causing this for you?

you mightn’t ‘logically’ have any idea why you stay, but on other emotional levels you feel the pull to stay anyway. you recognise it and sounds like you are fighting it anyway. I think you are giving leaving a lot of energy and fighting for it.

[Scully]

I guess what I was trying to say by talking about the books is that he has learned how to be manipulative. I know the woman who runs the group may not understand but I really felt the need to tell her so that if he is going there and playing victim maybe she won’t feed it so much.
I am leaving the house now as he will finished at group and I don’t know if the woman has spoken to him at all. Hopefully not to the point where he would have any reason to be anymore mad at me. I don’t know if I will leave completely but I’m leaving for now cos it is also my night to be with my kids. Heaven only knows I need the space now. I have developed hives since (detail removed by Moderator) last year and I’m smoking, something I used to do when I was younger. I keep saying I’m gonna quit but I get so stressed I just can’t do it. The thing that angers me the most is that he always justifies his behaviour. Even though I know and say it isn’t justified. He seems to know all the buttons to push with me and I hate it.

[Twisted Sister]

i am sorry to say that i don’t believe talking to her will change him. he’s there for his PTSD and can say whatever he likes to whomever he wants, but that doesn’t mean i don’t completely understand your fear of what he’s saying and the way he could be portraying himself, as i do know for myself all the time i knew that was happening for me and i couldn’t bear it and it tore me apart for a long time.

You’ll have to leave her to her job, and i’m not sure she is professionally able to be your listener whilst treating him, without his permission for that? I guess you’d need to check that out with her what her professsional boundaries are with her clients.

It sounds like you don’t want to smoke and are disappointed with yourself, but its not that easy. Smoking can be one of the hardest to kick, no matter how many you smoke, and something you can stop when you have the right time and support.

i don’t know how to help you manage to stay with him when it causes this in you, because its beyond me to know how survive even after leaving and i definitely didn’t know how to cope whilst i was in it. you sound a lot more aware of whats going on than I.

i hope you have a relaxing and happy time with your children tonight, cherish the break with them and from him

[Scully]

I don’t know how I will manage if I leave cos the thought of not being with him hurts a lot. It isn’t like he is nasty all the time otherwise I could walk away just like that. That’s the thing on the one hand I have this man that I don’t want to be without and on the other the same man but as a monster. I guess I’m not so much worried about what he is saying as angry that he could go around saying things that aren’t true when he knows he has hurt me. I think it is the what if monster in my head saying what if I do that? Or what if he changes? What if I love him more? It is that side of me that is challenging me. Just the fact he had me fall in love with him cos he was so loving and we had such a great time together just that itself is bad enough especially if he knew he wasn’t going to maintain it. It is torture waiting around for snippets of the man I thought I had this amazing connection with. I know really for my own safety and well being I need to move on but I somehow need to convince myself that he is never going to be the man I thought he was.

[Author]

Posts