Confusing times

[Almostout]

Hello, first time here but I’m so glad I’ve found you all. I’m desperate for someone who understands to help me because, at this moment in time, I feel completely and utterly lost. I have been with my husband (several years my senior) for over (detail removed by Moderator) years now and we have 3 children together (all a bit older now). I have always known my husband was a “difficult” man to live with but have always believed that he was a hard-working man who adored me and the children but who had faults, like we all do. I have wanted out of the marriage for a few years now and even successfully split once (for a matter of days) until he convinced me to give it another go. I am now on the brink of talking to my mum and telling her the truth about my apparently perfect marriage…but I don’t know if I can find the strength…what If she doesn’t believe me? About (detail removed by Moderator) months ago, during one of his regular “strops”, something suddenly clicked…I’d been living with an emotional bully for all these years and it is in fact HE who has the problem, not me. If you have the time to listen, let me give you a few examples (and they are just a few): when our older two children were born, if they cried in the night for whatever reason unless they were due a feed (even from newborn) I was not allowed to get up to be with them, I had to just let them cry it out. If I did go to them then I was a “bad mother” and was going to ruin them and he would ignore me the following day. If I had cooked the same tea too often or it was something he didn’t like, he would shout and swear at me and then go off in a huff. The house always has to be spotless, he spends a fortune on technology that nobody else is allowed to touch. He makes me scared to death if I break or damage something (although he’s never been physical towards me). He is extremely precious about “his” car. Calls me lazy even though I work full time and teases me constantly (and then says I can’t take a joke). He gives me threatening looks if we have company and I’ve said or done something wrong, threatens to leave me with no money, calls me names and, worst of all, he has forced me into partaking in untold sexual acts that I was never happy or comfortable with but went along with our of fear. If I fail to “perform” to his expectations then I’m “frigid” or “boring” and he’s going to go elsewhere. All these things happen in a cycle…for some of the time he is the picture perfect husband. But that doesn’t make it ok, does it? Please advise me. Thanks for listening xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi Almostout

So pleased you have realised that its him at fault and not you. This is the first step to braking free.

Please keep posting the ladies are a great help and support.

My cooking was c**p, I couldn’t clean good enough, my job was a hard because is wasn’t manual.

When my last child was born I was not allowed to go to her if I was having a meal, because of this I eat so quick I suffer for stomach problems. Even when I nervous now close friends know I upset because I eat so quick.

I have been everything from over sexed to frigid. I am also going to have sexual support counselling this year to get it out of my head what hes did. This is just another way to abuse us and under their control.

Mine would have times of being kind, but it was all to keep me under control.

Talk to Womans Refuse I have a support worker and talking to her has made me stronger.

Also after I realised what he was doing was abuse, I got flashbacks of incidents.

Don’t be to hard on yourself.

Heres to a better future xx

[Almostout]

Thank you Falling Skys. It has affected my health terribly. I have been diagnosed with bulimia and am currently being referred to my local mental health team for support with this (not that he has even noticed). He is being overly nice at the moment and I’m not sure why…maybe the whole thing on the news recently about emotional abuse/control being a criminal offence now has scared him? Anyway, it’s simply too late to be nice…it doesn’t make up for over (detail removed by Moderator) years of bullying. I am just so scared about telling him it’s over and I’m not even sure why, he really has done a lot of damage 😔 Xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi AO

Abuse has such effect on our health. I really think you would benefit from talking to women aid. They can support you with a plan to get to safety. Other ladies say for safety sake don’t tell them your going just go.

Good luck x

[SaharaD]

Hi and Welcome Almostout

Sorry for the late reply, I’ve been going through my own crisis and then I had a holiday overseas.

How can you tell him it’s over? You don’t. You don’t tell him. You leave in secret and then let him figure it out.

I think the best for you is probably a refuge.

You can call women’s aid to talk about safety planning on getting out. I didn’t tell mine I was going but he was on police “no contact” bail. I just packed and stored what I could and got out of dodge! as they say. After the bail was lifted and I was safely in a refuge did I let him know that I wasn’t coming back.

He harassed me for three months over by text and email until I found this site and discovered the no contact rules and how to implement it. Best thing I ever did!

[Ayanna]

Speak to your GP. They keep this documented. That will help you in the divorce. Make sure all your health problems are documented. His abnormal sexual wishes must be documented with your GP.
This will also be supportive information to get you into a refuge. The GP can actually help organise this for you.
Do not tell the husband that it is over.
When you are ready to leave just leave. Ensure he is not at home when you leave. Pack as many things as possible and out you are. Hide some carton boxes to pack quickly when the time comes.
When you go to the mental health service tell them everything and that you are in danger. The more you build a network the quicker you can get out.
If it helps take sick leave at work, do not tell them why. x*x

[Savingmyself]

Hi there welcome
What a nightmare you have been living
It breaks my heart to hear the abuse of you and your babies
Get all your ducks in a row and get away don’t tell him where or when you are going
That is how he got you back the last time you got away
Please call womens aid 0808 2000 247 and also like Ayanna said tell the mental health team you need to get away from this abuser
You can do it
Big hugs xx

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