Confusing

[Serenity]

When I was a child, my dad was physically rough with me quite a few times. He didn’t Hurt my sisters: my counsellor said it was because, being the soft one, he thought he could.

My parents’ marriage was a difficult one, and he eventually left. He’s since told me that he left for his own sanity, that he was very depressed and nearly drove his car off the road he was so low. He needed to get away.

My mum and sister have gone in for years about how he was the bad one, but now for the confusing bit:

Since leaving, my dad has always been nice to me. When I went through my marriage breakup and was a mess, he was really emotionally supportive.

Yet my sister and my mother were very emotionally hard and on a few occasions quite cruel to me, when I was at my lowest. I recognise that they are both controlling and domineering, even though they can do things that appear charitable at times. I don’t fully trust my mum and sister after how they were to me when I was at my very lowest. I had supported both of them through their hardest times, yet they weren’t there for me. Yet my dad was.

They constantly try to infantilise me and tell me how to live, and have overstepped boundaries with my boys, too. My sister has been quite verbally unkind to her husband- and whilst he’s in no way perfect, the language she’s used has sometimes made me wince.

My other sister is much more forgiving of my dad, and she’s also been kind to me when I was very low. Yet she doesn’t speak kindly to her husband at all.

How confusing is that?

The sister who was very impatient and unkind with me had told me how she spoke to her counsellor about how my dad hit me, and how she felt guilty that it ‘wasn’t her’, yet in real life she can be really disparaging. Abd my mother, though she’s helped mr financially through my divorce, has at the same time used it to try to take over my life decisions and parenting.

I’m totally confused. I kind of forgive my dad, because I think he’s made up for it over the years, but the people who go on about how horrid he is have – as far as I see it- been quite unkind to me, disrespectful and patronising on a few occasions. Once, my sister was so unkind that my legs were shaking uncontrollably.

So what am I to believe, and how am I to look at it all?

My dad did hurt me physically a few times, but he doesn’t tell me how to live my life or put me down, or give his opinions endlessly, like my mother and one of my sisters do.

[bubbles]

Hi Serenity

Have you heard of (detail removed by moderator) parents? I don’t know if this relates to you but it’s a similar dynamic to the one you describe!

There’s a Scapegoat the rest are golden children there’s another type of child , can’t remember what it is it’s not as talked about as the other 2.

There’s the (detail removed by moderator) parent who is the one causing the trouble the other parents is either an enabler sometimes joining in on the abuse or enabling it. The golden children are well golden children the (detail removed by moderator) projects their desired self image onto them and molds them to what they want to be themselves. (I have read stories where this could be to the point of even meddling in teenage childrens sex life!) Then the scapegoat everything is their fault because the (detail removed by moderator) wants to protect the perfect family image they put out into the world so they need someone to blame and punish when things go wrong. They are there to shift the blame onto and they are treat like a naughty child because if all their failings are your fault they can’t treat you well can they?

Just have a quick google it’s all very interesting as you know through DA where the stories are all similar they are the same with this kind of the abuse too! I also read will I ever be good enough which was written by a woman who was the scapegoat and now has a healthy relationship with her (this is something that can happen when it’s the parental abuse you just need to emotionally age which is something a (detail removed by moderator) parent won’t let you do they keep you a child mentally and make you feel you can’t stand up for yourself).

I went through this after because I always believed I was bad and deserved the treatment but my therapist told me I wasn’t and it was all them it was the first time anyone had ever said that to me! Working this out helped me with my abuse and I felt like I got closure for her treatment too!

My sis the golden child was a vile person but it was because she was a mental mess from being the GC (they suffer too) she started working on her MH and now we have a relationship, we are friends, she is nice and she is now like another parent to my children whereas before she was too selfish to consider them as human beings!

x

[bubbles]

Just re read your post it sounds like your mum is the (detail removed by moderator) and your dad the enabler. I always thought it was my dad but it wasn’t it was her! My parents stayed together my dad is calmer now and my mum can’t win because I will call her as soon as she starts and so will my daughter we had a minor incident over christmas and my daughter said don’t speak to my mum that way before I could even speak even my sis said she was wrong.

I think my mum is envious of me now, well she tells me she is because of the bond I have with my kids and how well i’m doing alone! I think this has come with a healthier environment she has no influence what goes on in my house take the abuser out of an environment and away from people they can abuse and they are no longer an abuser. It’s very odd how the power has shifted in my family I am now the go to person for issues.

If you find what I am saying has any relevance and you want to go on a research around it I’m here for you to talk to just PM me x

[Serenity]

Thanks, Bubbles.

Yes, I’ve read about this. It’s just so confusing, as everyone seems to blame each other and deny responsibility for anything.

[Author]

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