12th April 2021 at 7:11 pm #124718NeueranfangParticipant
I recently left my abusive partner.I tried to make it work for (detail removed by Moderator).Hoping he will change but he never did.I left on a few occasions but always went back…knowing he won’t change.Knowing I will feel trapped and suffocated.Anyway this time I know I won’t be going back.I confided in work colleagues, my boss and a few friends.It seems impossible to even consider going back to him.The break up caused his family immense stress as his mum and sisters are in the middle.They understand that I can’t live like I did for (detail removed by Moderator) years and they think it is horrific what he did but they still want him in their lives and they seem fed up with me telling them that he is still harassing me.Anyway…he stopped harassing me now.He’s gone from name calling and death threats to telling me how sorry he is and how broken he is and keeps telling me he loves me.It is just unreal.I can’t seem to move on.It was easier when he told me he hated me.I blocked him on everything ever since he moved out but I’m receiving emails and he tells the kids to pass messages on.It is so hard.I feel so cruel for hurting him which is so utterly stupid and pathetic.I mean he hurt me for (detail removed by Moderator).But I still feel like I’m the horrible one by not going back to him and easing his pain😞
12th April 2021 at 8:04 pm #124719EmpoweredhealingParticipant
Hi there, it sounds like you are struggling with emotional codependency. That’s a terrible place to be because you take on the responsibility for your ex’s emotions and well being. Codependency is very destructive because you are imprisoned by obligation, guilt and then resentment. Codependency makes you suffer!
Healthy boundaries would be something like “I’m responsible for my emotions and actions. Other people are responsible for their emotions and actions”.
You can work on this slowly over time. “Codependeny No more” is a good book. You can do this! Leave him to take responsibility for himself. His entitlement to having you make him happy was a major part of why he was abusive. Do not take responsibility for something that was never yours to begin with.
21st April 2021 at 10:44 am #125005Living WarriorParticipant
I have been there myself, you are not alone!
Im going to give you a bit of information that i learned upon going to ‘th epower to change programme’ at my local womens aid.
im aware many areas do not run this support and teaching programme, so I am trying to give the information out as much as i can.
There is a “cycle of violence” within these types of relationships.
The cycle of violence is a model that can be used to explain why, in some cases, it is so hard for an abused person to leave an abusive partner. The cycle of violence focuses on the behaviour of the perpetrator (partner/ex) which in turn affects the responses of us, (the victims/survivors) and is constructed in 3 phases.
1) tension rising.
There is an increasing tension emanating from the perp. Women often describe their responses as “walking on eggshells”. This stage is very stressful and often becomes unbearable, and invariably leads to an incident of abuse, either verbal or physical. The woman lives in fear of the abuse occurring again.
2) Episode of abuse.
After perpetrating an incident of abuse, the abuser will often blame the victim for provoking it, and will refuse to take responsibility for his abusive behaviour. The woman will be accused of many short comings, (eg. bad mothering, poor cooking, poor housekeeping, ugly appearance, being crazy/mad etc etc.)
It is important at this point to acknowledge that all relationships have difficult times and that it is normal to have disagreements, but that it is never legitimate to be abusive to your partner, whether it be emotionally. physically, psychologically or sexually .
3) Honeymoon period.
By this stage, the abuser has usually realised that he has lost ground with the woman and therfore appologises, cries, promises that it will never happen again, professes undying love, brings gifts, etc. It is often the phase in which the woman is persuaded back in to the relationship. This being because they thing the abuser has switched back into the person they were originally inlove with.
i would say the 3rd period is where you are now. the less you have to do with him, the better. He will try and get into your head, make you feel sorry for him, etc etc. Just to gain back his power and control. I have been there. its not a nice place but it is a better place then being with them…
if you need any other help/advice or to chat more, feel free.
i hope this helps abit.
22nd April 2021 at 10:22 pm #125089NeueranfangParticipant
Thanks a lot for your reply.
He hasn’t stopped sending me emails and even though I am not replying to him, I can see a cycle of abuse even in his emails.
He will have an attitude in the emails, then call me names and insult my family, followed by threats.Then he will say sorry and tell me how much he loves me again.
It’s so weird because I’m now watching this cycle repeating itself in his emails but luckily I’m not actively involved.
He is telling me he will change/has changed and then the name calling and threats start again.That just proves he will NEVER change.
I just hope things will get easier as time goes by.
Thanks so much for your support x*x
23rd April 2021 at 4:16 am #125093BettertimesaheadParticipant
Think about a non molestation order. It means if he emails you , uses other people to contact you etc he is breaching it and that is serious. NCDV can support with it. And log incidents via 101. If you’ve made it clear you want no contact then if he continues its harassment. Use third party if needed for childcare. Xx
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