Confusion

[Mime]

I’ve asked him to leave and he’s said he would – he’s given a date and been looking at furniture.

I was so sure when I ended this that he’s abusive – he’d smirk when he saw I was broken. His cruelty seemed planned and was very frequent.

Now though, he’s not reacting like a typical abuser at the end of the relationship – he’s angry and says he’s hurt and rejected. But he’s not lovebombing or crying or begging. He’s often civil and for the most part keeping out of my way.

He thinks I was the abusive one and I was cold and rejecting. I did withdraw towards the end, because I was so afraid of him. I hardly ever spoke becasue he’d either ignore me, or find fault with what I said and be angry and punish me (for days).

Now I’ve ended it, the fear and anxiety is even worse – my hands shake when he’s annoyed with me. And I feel intense hatred and anger towards him, which is pretty constant.

When we were together I did things I’m ashamed of – like self harm (pretty badly). And at times I was very suicidal (when his treatment of me was at its worse). I made detailed plans of how I was going to do it, and phoned the Samaritans a few times when I felt very close to it. And I drank too much and took pills to numb the pain.

All these things make me think maybe I have BPD. He’s made out I’m wierd and crazy (among other insults). I read recently about people with BPD demonising their partners and thinking they’re being abused when they’re not – the person with BPD is the abusive one. This has confused me greatly.

I’ve been in other extremely abusive relationships- my parents, and then partners – punching, strangling, breaking ribs, threatening me with knives. But those things are undeniably abusive and I knew I was a victim.

He thinks I caused the abuse in those relationships because of my crazy behaviour, but that he isn’t abusive – that I just imagine he is because I think all men will abuse, and he’s the only man that’s ever been decent and kind.

But then why is my fear so intense? He’s threatned he’ll have my child removed – I really believe he would – although the one thing I know for sure is I’m a good mother. And he’s wanting a lot of money before he moves out – and I mean alot. Which I’ll give him (I’ve taken out a loan) because I’m afraid he’ll carry out his threat if I don’t.

Of all the relationships I’ve been in this feels like the most abusive, although there’s been no physical violence as such (he shoved me twise, and made a fist to hit me another time but then didn’t, and he’d do this wierd thing of biting me, pretending to be playful, but it hurt a lot, and left bruises.

I’m so confused. I can’t trust my thoughts and feelings anymore. What if I’ve created all this and he’s really the victim, because of my inability to trust, because of my past, which is his version of events.

[Mime]

Sorry. Its an actual essay! I didn’t mean to write so much.

[RedStrawberry]

My ex didn’t actually say i was an abuser but he implied it, saying I was gaslighting him, that I was crazy, to the point I actually felt crazy. He had issues with drink but wouldn’t admit it. He then turned physical on me and while I was getting over the shock he filed for divorce on my unreasonable behaviour. The solicitor thinks he’d been planning it for a while. I’m not sure that’s typical abuser behaviour but I had no idea he was planning this and I actually thought things were good as I was feeling more confident etc. I hadn’t actually realised he was abusive til it turned physical and told the counsellor everything he’d been doing. I’d missed the signs even though he’d thrown things at me in the past and called me the most horrible names, guilted me into sex. He wasn’t horrible all the time and could be amazing and do really nice things. But if they were horrible all the time we’d notice right?

[Hereforhelp]

Mimi, I didn’t want to read and run, I can hear your anxiety in your post. You are NOT crazy, it can make you feel crazy (i remember these feelings and they scared the s**t out of me), you have trauma and he is still abusing you.

Your partner is using the victim and blame tactics to keep you confused (mine did this just before i separated from him, he also claimed to be suicidal, lied about a close relative dying amognst other things as we had a trauma bond, felt like withdrawal when he left). Your partner knows what he is, what he has done to you and is banking on you being confused to keep you there. I was in a physically abusive relationship before I met my gaslighting, controlling in every way, lying, cheating abusive husband. I found it easier to leave the physically abusive relationship (I was younger too, I fled to another county to get away from him) as it was obvious abuse.

Do you have any support in place? Your partner isn’t going anywhere for now, also the being civil ‘normal’ behaviour he is displaying is part of the abuse cycle, he is showing that he doesn’t have a problem, the issues are all yours (taking the attention off his abuse and minimising).

They switch to being nice as a tactic to keep us confused and in the FOG cycle (Fear Obligation Guilt, worth googling). It shows that they do know how to behave and choose to be abusive.

You are not crazy, you have trauma. Have you got a GP you can talk to? I believed that I was mentally unstable, I thought I was mad and believed i couldn’t survive in this world without him! He worked on me for decades without me even noticing. He also could be a wonderful partner, helpful, kind, take our children out, listen to me…. the abuse always (without fail) would start again.

I am on the freedom programme now (so helpful, have you done the course?) and have learnt that it is common for abusive partners to threaten to take children away (DA trained support workers will recognise this as a tactic. You say your self that you are a good mother, keep believing in yourself as you will get through this.

You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of, self harm, drinking are the ways you found to cope with the abuse and to numb the pain. I took too many (prescribed) pain relief tablets for some time.

Listen to your gut, your fear is real and your gut is talking to you.

Have you kept a journal of the abuse? I found that really helpful when I doubted my mind, also re reading my old posts on here helped.

Lots of love ❤️

[Bananaboat]

Oh my lovely what a pickle you’re in, thanks to this man! The non violent abuse is just as cruel and often harder to accept as abuse because it’s hidden and boggles our mind.

He won’t leave of his own free will, and please please please do not give him that money, he probably still won’t leave and you’ll be left in debt.

My ex is still in the property and it’s awful, I get that anxiety too and often notice I’m shaking. But I also recognise his behaviour more now and don’t react how he wants (only do this if safe).

I don’t know what that condition you mention is, but from what you’ve said of his partner I highly doubt you have it and he’s gaslighting/manipulating you to the point you think you do. Can you contact your GP and a counsellor could work through all this with you?

You CAN trust yourself, your body is telling you things aren’t right so listen to it, don’t listen to him. Educate yourself on abuse, watch Dr Ramani on YouTube and I promise the more you learn the stronger you’ll start to feel, slowly but surely. They always threaten to take the child too. You and your daughter deserve better than this.

[nbumblebee]

I am no expert in BPD but i know a little like you i researched the condition and asked my counsellor if i had it.
I self harm I am a mess ive been abused raoed and treated badly all my life i guess and still am.
I feel your pain and I get it.
But do you know what as far as i know those with BPD dont know they have it they cant see it cant accept it wont believe it the fact that you are looking into it is a sign that NO you do not have it. You have been conditioned to blame yourself you would rather blame you cause its easier isnt it im there i know it is blaming us is so much easier than owning up to the fact that these men are hurting us that we out up with it becuase we dont love ourselves enough to leave.
You are one step ahead of me you have talked to him he knows what he is doing is hurting you and he knows you want out he is ginna make this so hard so much harder than ever before cause he knows he is losing.
You can and need to believe in yourself do not let him back into your head keep strong keep fighting.
Reach out get some help even legal advice on how you can get him to leave yes it scarey its probably the most frightened youve ever been but once youve done it you could be on that pathway to freedom.
Thinking of you stay strong stand firm and reach out sweetie. Big hugs x*x

[Mime]

Thank-you RedStrawberry, HereforHelp, Bananaboat and nbumblebee for taking the time to write a reply. I don’t log on here as often as I’d like because it’s difficult with him still in the house (I’m paranoid about him finding out) but your responses are so so helpful and kind – they help me get through the hard times. Thank you so much 😊 💓 xx

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