Confusion about boundaries with a man I had feelings for in the past

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I haven’t been on here for a while, things have been slowly improving for the most part since I left my abusive ex (detail removed by moderator) years ago. I finally found a really good trauma therapist and the therapy has been so helpful.

I still find it difficult sometimes to spot red flags and protect my boundaries due to growing up in a boundary-violating family so it helps me to ask communities like this about certain situations. I’ve still been avoiding dating completely, I don’t feel interested in anyone and still feel much safer and more at peace alone.

Recently I signed up to a workshop and to my shock this guy I had a big crush on at school was there. He used to date my frenemy and after they split up me and him ended up kissing. I’d liked him for ages but had never told him obviously as he was with this other girl so when we kissed I was super happy and imagined we would go out. Since I was a shy teenager I asked another friend to ask him out for me and to my confusion and humiliation he apparently told her he really liked me but was still in love with this frenemy. They got back together a few days after our kiss and I ended up seeing them kiss (I am certain this girl just got back together with him to spite me) and it felt awful and very confusing. They split up for the last time not long after but I barely ever spoke to him again and he started dating then married this other girl and I hadn’t seen him for years.

I felt so anxious seeing him because I part of me never really got over the embarrassment of that situation since it felt humiliating. We had to work together on the workshop and he started to be kind of flirty, touching my knee and sitting close to me and trying to make me laugh. It was so strange as it was like being back at school. After the workshop he asked if I wanted to go for a walk to catch up and I thought ‘why not’ and agreed. We just went for a walk and chatted and it felt good to talk to him like something was released in me, like a trauma I never knew I had. I realised all this time that I’d put him on a pedestal in my head and given him power which was never his, it was always my own. It felt like I could finally stop feeling embarrassed about what happened and I realised that I did nothing wrong, he was just a coward the way he never spoke to me after we kissed. I totally respect him turning me down but the way he did it felt cruel and thoughtless like he didn’t care about my feelings. I also feel proud of myself because (and I know this is kind of judgemental) in the time since school I’ve been through some terrible things but I never stopped trying, learning, studying, growing, working whereas it doesn’t seem like he has done much apart from care for his wife. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that but it made me feel proud of myself that I always keep trying if that makes sense, it made me see my own strength, bravery and courage. I still think he is a good person deep down but I don’t feel impressed by him anymore if that makes sense (although for some reason I feel super guilty and mean thinking this?)

It got a bit confusing because he invited me to socialise with him and his circle of friends, he said he’d get my number and we could meet up again. On the one hand it would be good to have some local friends but I think I just feel overall like I want to close the chapter fully on people from school. I think he had 15 years to reach out and apologise and be my friend and he never bothered so why be friends now? I’m not sure if he was just saying it or if it was even a pity invite since he knows I’m currently a bit isolated. I also wondered if him touching my knee and kind of going close to me was inappropriate? I think I remember him being friendly and flirty with everyone so I think it’s probably just that but it made me wonder about boundaries. I feel like he was treating me like the 15 year old girl that fancied him rather than the grown woman I am that doesn’t actually know him. Part of me felt annoyed by it like he was still trying to confuse me by giving me all these mixed signals.

I also feel like, if I was his wife I would not be happy that he was flirting with a girl he’d kissed at school and had spent the afternoon with her but then again I tend to get a bit jealous when my boyfriends have female friendships? I know every couple is different.

I also had a weird disturbing nightmare where I was in bed with a man who seemed like a combination of him and my abusive brother who I am very low contact with. In the nightmare I felt like it was wrong and it made me feel confused, bad and uncomfortable. I feel like maybe the dream was a sign to keep my distance from him just in case the boundaries get blurred. I feel like a lot of married men can be incredibly selfish in that after draining their wives of their youth, beauty and energy they start looking for other women on the side. I don’t think he was trying to do this but I’ve had this situation twice before with married men tricking me into dates trying to get me to sleep with them so now I’m wary of them.

What do you think I should do the next time I see him at the workshop?

Thanks for listening it helps to share this stuff and I hope all of you are doing ok wherever you are in the journey of escaping abuse to freedom.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
Two thoughts I had.

My first was wondering what sort of a workshop it was.
No need to say here as obviously it would be identifiable – however a question for you to think about…if it was a feelings-thing with sharing, maybe the group did a boundary setting thing at the beginning..i was wondering how your walk etc related to that…

Second – and I don’t mean to sound man hating… have had some good experiences with men, aside from my ex that is – I think you are right about married men zapping energy etc…from women.

With some men I have also noticed a dishonesty about being upfront about sexual feeligns they have. I.e. some of them clearly give out messages of fancying someone and then afterwards deny that they have, when clearly they do.

And then somehow try to blame the woman for it. Make sense?

all best
ftc
x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your reply FreedomtoChoose. We didn’t talk about boundaries or boundary setting in the workshop as it wasn’t really related to that kind of thing, and he just suggested we go for a walk afterwards. I know what you mean about some men. I suppose I found his behaviour a bit boundary-blurring rather than boundary violating so it was confusing and hard to know what to make of it ie. on he one hand I think he was just being friendly but on the other hand it seemed a bit unnecessary/over friendly. I’m thinking he behaves like that with most people so it might just be a person quirk, but I always feel more comfortable with people who have clear boundaries and respect my own.

[Iwantmeback]

What I’m getting from what you’ve said is that he’s pushed your boundaries, he’s trying to see if he can start something but back out if you take it the wrong way.
Yes it’s nice being invited to be part of something but as you’ve said he’s had quite a while in which to do so. And you’re not thinking jealously by putting yourself in his wife’s shoes. Some people are touchy feely, I just picked up a bad vibe from your post about you meeting up again. You have too, your dream is your subconscious telling you to keep away. Listen to your gut. 💜💜

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Iwantmeback, yes I think he was maybe testing my boundaries a bit with the touching and flirting etc. It felt pretty confusing and overwhelming to be honest. I don’t think he is interested in me but I think maybe he just wanted an ego boost. I’m glad I shared it on here because in the past I always assume I’m reading too much into things then have ended up in awkward situations with men several times in the past and afterwards felt I’d been naive. I’ve been finding my dreams/nightmares helpful in understanding things better, it is amazing how dreams can be helpful like this.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Sunshinerainflower, welcome back 🙂 good to hear you have been doing well.

Keep it casual in the workshop and above all enjoy it, that’s why you went there in the first place. For yourself.
If he invites you to go for a drink with his friends, you can simply say no thank you or if you wish to go, ask if his going to invite his wife as well. If not, then it’s just a bit too complicate isn’t it.
Think of what makes you feel comfortable and go with that.
All the best

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you HopeLifeJoy, I was thinking the same thing today about returning my focus to the actual workshop which should help me achieve the next stage in my recovery and independence plan. I feel a bit like the universe put this guy in my path again to help me gain the closure I didn’t even realise I needed, to allow me to heal another part of my past and also as a test of my boundaries and recognising who is worthy of my time and who isn’t. I feel like I got swept up a bit as he was really friendly and nice but thinking about it today I feel it’s not very nice him flirting with me when he has a wife.

[SunshineRainflower]

Edit: Did a double reply by accident!

[Tiffany]

I wanted to add that my experience is that having gone to the same school does seem to create a certain amount of camaraderie. I moved back to the area I grew up in after my abusive relationship ended. My best friend now is a woman who I was terrified of as a kid. She was a couple of years older than me and seemed unbelievably cool. I got to know her because her sister (even more cool, even more terrifying – she was Cinderella in our primary school play and I was Prince Charming, which I think paints an accurate picture of the types of girls we were – and she despised me) invited me to join her and her friends out for dinner. She’s still unbelievably gorgeous, and it would have been easy to remain intimidated. But I thought, “what the hell?” and went along. Turns out that the drop dead gorgeous woman’s husband left her and she ended up divorced in her twenties band her sister is the sweetest kindest woman I have ever met. And the bond of a similar childhood was enough to turn us into close friends, even though we were nothing of the sort at school. It could have been this – wow I know that woman, we have a shared past that made him ask you for a walk, not wow I kissed that woman before. Obviously the kiss was and rejection was a formative experience for you, but frankly it might not have been for him.

I think the key thing you need to do is figure out how you feel about his behaviour now. You are going to the same workshop, so you will presumably see him around for a while. If he makes you uncomfortable then tell him outright. See if he modifies his behaviour. The flirty-ness is a bit of a red flag to me because as you pointed out, you are a woman he barely knows. If he’s violating your boundaries you can absolutely tell him. And if he doesn’t respect that you know it isn’t just a character trait, he’s actively trying to make you feel uncomfortable. If he does respect it, and the group of friends he is inviting you out with is mixed gender then honestly, I would take the pity invite… That was my policy when I was lonely. So long as it doesn’t make me feel unsafe then I take pity invites. My sister taught me that. She lived abroad for a while in an area where she knew no one. Basically all the invites she got at the start were pity invites, because that’s mostly what unknown lonely people get. She said yes to all of them. Even third wheeling on people’s dates. And in the course of a couple of months she had a thriving social life. It’s how I rebuilt after the abuse too.

Bottom line, don’t refuse pity invites just because they are pity invites, but equally don’t hang out with people who make you uncomfortable. Hope the course goes well.

[Author]

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