Confusion after confronting

[Plodding]

Hi I am feeling so confused after speaking to my husband about his controlling abusive behaviour . I have been advised that it is emotional abuse, usually subtle so I find myself questioning constantly and what is worse is my husband is in complete denial and will appear very genuine telling me 100% he is not doing this and he does not understand what I mean. Many of the things I have spoken to him about he says I do this to him. It’s like he thinks I’m the problem I’m too sensitive, I’m causing him so much upset and because of me saying he is controlling he says that he can’t bare to think I think that of him and he is hates his life . This makes me feel terrible and as though I am imagining everything . Even though i have been advised his behaviour is abusive . It always makes it more confusing because he can be nice in between and I know this is experienced by many of you . I feel regretful for sharing so much of my thoughts and feelings as I have discovered before this has made things worse before, just feel I have said too much I am of the understanding that staying quiet about all this with the abuser is the best way but I felt myself getting drawn into the conversation and believing I could reason with him and get him to see it . He can’t see it at all and I’m gutted he is not acknowledging anything .
Anyone got any advice or similar experiences?
Thanks

[Grey Rock]

Hiya,

Yes I tried to reason with mine for a long time, and sat with professionals trying to do the same. The denial and refusal to be accountable is flabbergasting. Not to mention the twisting of truth and outright lies. This is why it is pointless at best and dangerous at worst to confront abusers with their behaviour. It tends to lead to rage and punishing afterwards, whether that is violence against your person, property or peace, or stonewalling.

Are you still hopeful that there is something you can say or do that will change (help / save) him? Please tread with care

GR

[Hebe]

Hi

This sounds all too familiar. Never apologising, acknowledging, taking responsibility for their action or behaviour, not listening to your needs or requests. They don’t change unless they receive help to do so, but they are unlikely to do that, because they are so right all the time.

Make a record, keep it safe, this is the way to see what is happening. To have a record of the events means you have the facts, not what the other person says happens and that you must have got it wrong, forgotten or mixed it up with something else. That helps with the self-doubt.

Even then it can seem unbelievable, because you can’t fathom why anyone would treat you so badly. Abuse is subtle, it hooks you and draws you in, then it gets ramped up and you recoil, then it starts all over with the sugary words and change of tack. The smoke screen of innocence and failing to comprehend what you have said, and sending you off into doubt are other familiar ploys. It gets so bad that you think , it must be me. It isn’t.

How can anyone be too sensitive? Your either sensitive or not. Having feelings, emotions and emotional intelligence is being human. Not having those qualities? Is inhuman. Or even inhumane. Whichever, spin these accusations around. You feel terrible, but he doesn’t. He hasn’t tried to understand because he can’t. Quietness can be interpreted as acquiescence, but your thoughts are your own and how you want to take action. The main actions to take are to be safe, be kind to yourself, record, talk to professionals. Believe in your instinct, it is right.

Hugs
x

[Plodding]

Thanks
I still see the side of him that I used to be able to reason with on most issues so I had found myself believing there was a possibility that I could achieve something and it has been a bit of a shock .
Iv been keeping a diary which has helped
X

[Bananaboat]

Keeping a journal is helping me and people on here suggested Lundy Bancrofts book, why does he do that which I’m reading and is helping me see even some of the small stuff is part of the abuse. Like you, the denial, the upset, the surprise when confronted all make you doubt yourself but the behaviour doesn’t change, which it would of the person genuinely thought about it. Good luck

[ISOPeace]

Hi Plodding, you are not alone. This is classic abusive behaviour. Even when the abuse is not subtle, people feel the way you do. It’s hard to make sense of his actions if you think he thinks like you do. It’s also hard to accept that he doesn’t think like you, but it does make more sense. Abuse is all about control. Abusers don’t want a mutually respectful and loving relationship, they want control over the other person. They do whatever they think is ok to get and maintain that control. They may use a variety of tactics that overall leave you feeling confused, weak, powerless, hopeless, like everything is your fault and you just need to try harder. The tactics might be overt abuse and intimidation, threats, violence, verbal abuse. It might be gaslighting, which you are experiencing when he appears to genuinely say he doesn’t know what you mean, or that your recollection of events is wrong. Emotional manipulation is commonly used – e.g. convincing you that you’ve hurt him by accusing him of what he has done i.e. making you feel guilty for calling him out. Convincing you that everything is your fault is probably common to all abusers – you’re too sensitive, you made him do it, you’re the problem by trying to talk about his behaviour, your feelings are ‘wrong’. Then of course he throws in the ‘nice’ behaviour, which keeps you hopeful that things could be ok and that you’re not really in a ‘relationship’ with someone whose goal is to crush you into submission.

Making you think he can’t see what’s going on is gaslighting. Even if it were true that he can’t see what’s going on, it would mean that he doesn’t understand how to treat another human being with respect. If you have to teach another adult the fundamentals of how to behave respectfully, there is a big problem. Either the other person is so emotionally immature that they are not capable of an adult relationship or, more likely, you are being manipulated. Either way, there is nothing you can do to change them. Ironically, an abuser will probably tell you that you are not capable of an adult relationship. He will not acknowledge that his behaviour is unreasonable (unless he’s trying to convince you that he’s changed) because he doesn’t think it is unreasonable and he wants you to feel confused and at fault. You are right that he will use attempts to talk to him about it against you. No amount of talking to him will make him see that what he’s doing is wrong, because he doesn’t believe it is wrong.

With my ex, the extent of his day to day abuse/controlling behaviour varied. There were periods of time when he was rarely abusive and during those times I did stand up for myself quite a bit and could reason with him. I thought that meant things were getting better. But in hindsight, there was always an undercurrent of knowing that if he really wanted to put his foot down, he would always get his way. I can see now that he never changed, he just got more or less controlling and abusive depending on how he was feeling about life. In other words, it’s always on his terms and you have no control over that. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Plodding]

That’s all really helpful thanks x

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