Confusion, pain and self doubt.

[Emptybutfree]

Hi all,
I’m still new to this forum and you may have already gathered that I am still in a state of confusion and in a lot of pain.
My ex is currently in prison (for now) I feel safe which is the most important thing but there are days where I’m feeling masses of guilt, self doubt and blame!

I’m very embarrassed by this but wanted to know if anyone else has experienced anything similar. I had thoughts and contemplated on taking my own life on a few occasions. I couldn’t see any other way to escape the hurt and pain. – the one and only reason I never acted on this is because of my children, they need me and I need them but it never stopped me from contemplating it.

It wasn’t so much the physical abuse which made me hurt so deep, it was the emotional.

My ex would make sure that people knew how ‘crazy’ I was, what is the reason for this?
He’d tell me that my issues were my own and nothing to do with him.

I know in these times that I probably wasn’t thinking straight, but why would he make it his mission to make everyone else think I’m crazy?

Thank you x

[Eggshells]

You never need to be embarrassed by your feelings, especially not on the forum. So many women share your emotions.

It’s clearly been a very difficult journey for you and you have done an amazing job to come through it.

Have you had any counselling at all? Your feelings are natural. As you continue through your journey you will experience so many mixed emotions and feelings which are often juxtaposed. A good counsellor can help you to make sense of your feelings and help you to accept them and feel comfortable with them. xx

[Daff]

Hi, my ex told me I was crazy and that everything that was ever wrong with our relationship was my fault. He would question me on things and say are you sure until i wasn’t. It wasnt until I wasnt in the relationship anymore that I was able to realise what had been happening and this lead to other things in the relationship.There has been times when I have felt I cant go on but looking at my childrens faces makes me smile. I have more bad days than good at the moment and at times feel guilty and maybe it was me. I think it’s so they are able to do what they want and dont think there should be any consequences for their actions, they want us to be at the point were we allow and dont question anything that they do or say. Hope your getting the help you need to move forward and feel better, his actions have got him were he is and not you. Need to start thinking that myself

[ISOPeace]

Hey there, I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. Abuse can be really confusing because we see it from the perspective of a non abusive person. His motivations are different to yours. Abusers are motivated by a want to control over you. Everything they do is to gain and maintain that control. The tactics are all variations of intimidation, threats and manipulation. In short, he wants you to believe that his needs are far more important than his and that you are too weak and helpless to stand up to him. By making you think you’re crazy and that everything is your fault, he keeps you trapped in the relationship, feeling confused and looking at yourself to solve the problems. Your focus then isn’t on him (the real problem) and so the abuse can continue. By making everyone else think you’re crazy, he again shifts the focus from his behaviour to you and so escapes being seen for what he really is. It’s all about manipulation and control…

I would highly recommend you read up on abuse to make sense of what happened. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is excellent and a real eye opener. It really gave me the understanding I needed to stop trying to work out why my ex did what he did. Sending love xxxx

[Emptybutfree]

Thank you for your replies x

He never made me feel crazy for wanting to take my own life, it was in general, if I’d question his behaviour or stand up for myself which led me to question myself and be locked in my mind 24/7.

He used to tell me that he hated drama but his actions told me different. Will he always be that way?

I do believe that my ex would only ever of been happy if I never said a word, didn’t question anything and sat there and looked pretty with no opinion and anything.. I really tried to make it this way, tried to not be overly sensitive and it was in these instances in which he’d turn violent – if I stood up for myself.

I don’t know how I manage to of loved and still love someone who has caused me so much pain.

These situations feel so isolating but it’s giving me comfort in knowing that I’m not alone.

I am having counselling but I don’t know if it’s working, I’m just going with it for now. I’m trying to educate myself of abuse, gaslighting and n********m.

I know I can’t carry on like this forever, I just hope that one day I wake up and the pain will be gone x

[ISOPeace]

What you noticed is spot on. His behaviour is typical of an abuser. He wanted you locked in your mind 24/7 so you didn’t see that he was the one with the problem. He wanted you to feel too scared to stand up to him so he kept his power over you.

You loved him because he manipulated you into thinking he was someone he wasn’t and because abuse creates a trauma bond (google it). It’s a totally normal human response to abuse.

I wonder whether your counsellor understands abuse give what you’re struggling to understand.

The Lundy Bancroft book I mentioned is really excellent as it covers all types of abuse. I would be cautious about assuming he’s a n********t. Strictly speaking a n********t has a personality disorder. But many abusers do not have personality disorders. Much of the behaviour of abusers and n********ts is the same, but not 100%. E.g. n********ts commonly dump their partners when they feel like they’ve exhausted their usefulness, whereas non-n********t abusers generally want to keep control of their partner forever. Reading stuff on n********m can be really helpful, but just remember that if you read something that doesn’t really make sense from your experience, it could be because your ex isn’t a n********t. xxxx

[Emptybutfree]

He would discard me a lot, then come back, he left me completely helpless and felt like I needed him to function, I was nothing without him. He’d go and sleep with other people knowing I was heartbroken then come back and tell me he loved me, I was so confused. Xx

[Emptybutfree]

Then the physical assaults would happen if and when I questioned him on things he had done etc xx

[ISOPeace]

Oh Emptybutfree, that is so brutal. It sounds like the typical phases of abuse, which are all intended to make you feel like you don’t know which way is up. And like you say, standing up to him is met with sledgehammer.

It sounds like you experienced really horrible trauma from him that will take time to heal from. It’s hard facing up to it, which is what you are doing now, but it will be worth it. xxxx

[Daff]

It wasnt until I stood up for myself that things become violent sexual, he left me. I think that may because I did stand up to him. Hes moved on very quickly and I wonder if hes playing th nice guy now he wants everyone to think hes amazing. Concentrate on yourself and moving forward. Talk to womans aid to get things put in place for your self, talking has helped me understand things more and see things I never would have noticed before.

[nbumblebee]

You are not alone and not at all crazy.Im still with my husband day in day out (detail removed by Moderator) when my husband is nasty to me, when days are bad (detail removed by Moderator) so I understand how you must feel. Stick with the counselling it will eventaully help, you really do need to talk about what you have been through and to understand none of it is your fault. It will all take time, be kind to yourself. Take care x

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