Consent

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m looking for confirmation on this subject.

I said I’m too tired, which is a no.

He tried again and again and I repeatedly told him that I was too tired.

I felt stressed, exhausted, but stressed and pretended to be asleep. I thought he might leave me alone, but I couldn’t sleep as I was worried and even though he thought I was asleep that did not stop him I moved away he tried again thinking I was asleep he got his way.

I couldn’t pretend to be asleep anymore, I felt awkward and got on with what was happening.

Now I didn’t tell him no or stop him from this point. I’m confused as I’ve gone from no to getting into it to back to angry.

So how do you sum this up, when your mind says it’s not right but you have gone along with it.

Very angry with him and he knows I’m not happy about it. But he thinks I smile a hug and it’s forgotten.

[lover of no contact]

I think he’s an absolute disgrace to be coercing you into sex. You’ve just been through an extremely stressful situation this week with your child trying to take their own life. How dare he be so insensitive. And as you said in ur other post he’s got over this with his child very quickly. And he was the trigger for your child to carry out this action. His behavior is totally unacceptable. No means No. Especially when you’re going through what you’re going through with being sick with worry with your child. Your husband’s behavior are really lowest of the lowest.

You gave in for a quiet life.. which I did on so many times when resisting was not working and I just let him have his way as he wore me down. This is so wrong.

It’s good you are posting. Please keep posting. 2 of my children self-harmed when dealing with their abuser dad. These men are pure evil. It’s awful how they think nothing to bring vulnerable people down like children and old people and animals just so they can get their power kicks.

[KIP.]

This is simply not consent. Have a look at the Thames Valley Police website about consent. A cup of tea. This is how things became with my ex until even when I kept saying no, he just carried on. This is just another form of abuse which stems from their feelings of entitlement. Lack of care or consideration for your feelings. I would never want to have sex with someone who did not want to. I wouldn’t wear them down, pester then, deprive them of sleep, wake them really early, trap them in a room until they agreed, tell them I had rights to have sex as a husband, threaten to go elsewhere, have sex with someone while they were crying, ill, exhausted. Without full consent and cooperation without fear of any consequences like moodiness, or the silent treatment. All this is not a consenting in a loving caring and often legal way. It’s a downward slope now he feels he can coerce you and is happy to do so. It leaves us feeling depressed because the control of our body is taken from us. And when we are weak or ill they see that as a better opportunity to get their own selfish needs met. No means no means no. It doesn’t mean no but if you wear me down to yes, it’s consent. It’s not consent. It’s bullying manipulation.

[Moonbeam]

You did not consent. By continue to force you into it, that was rape.

My ex would do this constantly. A few times I didn’t even get a chance to say no.

If he continues to ignore your boundaries I would get out, although I know from experience that it’s easier said than done xx

[Lisa]

Hi Chocolatebunnie

I just wanted to show you some support, I can see you have had really supportive replies from other users too.

It is not ok for your partner to keep trying to have sex with you as it was clear you did not want to. He thought you were asleep, you can not give consent while you are asleep. You have been through a really difficult time and your partner is not supportive. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

It may be helpful for you to get some support, you could speak to Rape Crisis or have a look on their website https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/find-a-rape-crisis-centre/ to find your nearest Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Service. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk you through your options and offer emotional support.

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are doing,

Lisa

[maddog]

What you describe was my ex’s way of ‘showing affection’. It’s just horrible and yes, it is rape. You absolutely cannot give consent when you are asleep. It’s not good enough to wake you up with the cattle prod of doom and assume consent. My ex knew I was asleep. He later told me that I was his wife along with the above. Some men just assume consent for their own reasons and rape is their way of doing sex. They don’t need to hold you at gunpoint and be physically threatening you. You need to have the freedom and capacity to consent. We don’t have either when we are unconscious.

[Minimrs]

My husband just asks and asks I say no to him but he won’t stop until I say ok. If I don’t say on he’s in a huff with me and asks me where I’m getting it from or if I’m doing it myself. I thought it was in my head but he doesn’t try when I’m asleep I don’t think.

[DjangoPony]

All sounds familiar, has happened multiple times here. It’s not consent if you don’t feel like you can say no.

[Chocolatebunnie]

I am sorry to hear so many of you have been through this I appreciate your responses

Minimrs you should consider getting support with this.

I discussed this with my counsellor and her reaction frightened me, she was going to help me report it.

I was close to a panic attack the realisation of what has been happening to me. I’ve put up with this for the duration of our relationship on and off.

I need some time to digest this some more, and KIP I watched the tea video, it explains things well doesn’t it

X*x

[Minimrs]

Chocolatebunnie I told women’s aid at out meeting today she was concerned at his controling behaviour and told me I was high risk I also told her I was pregnant and didn’t want or plan the baby but he refused to wear any protection and still does. She told me I need to get away from him but I know that one of my children will not want to come with me because he blames me for rhis. The children don’t know I’m pregnant I haven’t even told my mom because I’m ashamed.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Minimrs

Just read your reply and relate to your situation. Nothing will change but you can get away and things will improve for you.

I do hope you’re getting some help and been able to confide in your mother with what’s happening.

I really feel for you and hope you can talk to your child and that they can understand and leave with you.

You’ll need your strength with pregnancy and a new baby. You don’t need your husband you can do this with support he will only drain you. I’m sure your child will see through him soon enough do what’s best for you and take care x*x

[KIP.]

It’s not your shame. Many abusers keep us pregnant as a way to control us and know we are extremely vulnerable when pregnant. Keeping us dependent on them. If you ask him to wear protection and he refuses it’s a form of rape or sexual assault. You should ask for an STI test next time you’re at the docs. Mine was cheating on me too which is also very common. Can you get contraceptive implants. Speak to your GP about what’s going on. The WA lady is right. You need to get rid of him. He doesn’t have your best interest at heart and will watch you be destroyed. They like us weak and vulnerable and easy to manage x

[hop]

I used to wake up and my ex was having sex with me. It was something that I hated and it started with me pretending to be asleep but I’d wake up with him on me. I didn’t know it was wrong I just knew I didn’t like it. I found out off my therapist about a month ago and she tried to encourage me to go to the police. It must have been so hard to tell them at your group what you’re going through. You should be really proud of yourself. I don’t want anyone to know but as someone else said it’s not your shame, it’s his. Take care x

[Author]

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