Constant casual rudeness

[iliketea]

Does the constant casual rudeness ever end with an ex who you left because of abuse? I have minimal contact since leaving and communicate through a parenting app for the minimum necessary regarding children. But even then he is rude, every single time. It is pathetic and pointless I know. But after so long I was wondering, does it ever end? I’m not feeling my strongest at the moment having been ill for nearly a month. I’m finding it really depressing how he can still be nasty and make pointless put downs even though it’s over. What do they get out of it? Will it ever end?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi iliketea

I am sorry you are still getting regular abuse from him.

Does the app store all these messages that you could pass on to police a long list of continual harrassment from him? He could be issued with a warning. Noone, especally the mother of his children, should be continually subjected to this, thats why its illegal. There is also now a crime of male harrassment on women, andyou have loads of evidence via those stored messages. Up to you though, it might not be something you want to start doing, but it may put a stop to what he thinks he can still do to plague you.

warmest wishes

ts

[iliketea]

Thanks @twisted sister, yes it does store, they’re all low level, I don’t think police would be interested tbh. I did have to threaten a harassment injunction under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 if the threatening emails continued which did put a stop to them, so now Im getting it in a different way through the children and the app. Thanks for your comment, as usual, thoughtful, so helpful and kind x

[Twisted Sister]

I’m glad you take it as nothing and hopefully can ignore them then. Its like many of the coercive control tactics isn’t it, a pattern. You don’t have to engage with him, and its continuing harrassment, but its always your choice. You have choices and that matters.

I hope your situation improves soon.

warmest wishes

ts

[Eggshells]

Oh my goodness – after all this time. That must be so exhausting. Hecreally does sound very bitter. I think they get a sense of power out of it. Also a twisted satisfaction – venting their anger actually seems to make them feel better for a brief moment and this is the only way he can vent his anger at you. So no, left to his own devices, he won’t stop I’m afraid.

I wonder if there are other apps; ones that only allow exchanges of dates and times?

[iliketea]

yep, so sad isnt it. I wish he would meet someone, maybe that would stop it. this one (detail removed by Moderator) and I think is the best, it monitors tone so if you swear or something it won’t send a message – so I suppose it means I dont get rants but I get underhand put downs all the time. Its like when you’re in the relationship and you’re with other people but they still find a way to put you down so you know, but noone else notices. All that crazy-making rubbish. Thanks for your reply @eggshells, how are you doing? x

[StrongLife]

Sorry this is happening. I had it for yrs in person and via phone msgs. This lasted years.

I finally ignored him and he went away. The kids are adults now.

[Lifebegins]

Hi iliketea

Long time no speak. Sorry to hear you’ve been poorly and hope you’re on the mend.

Sadly I don’t think this kind of behaviour will ever stop. Although I’m no contact still, I recently discovered from my child that my ex was saying awful and frankly disgusting things about my looks, personality, ability as a mother etc to my child, even after all this time. I felt really angry and hurt that he could think and say such horrible things about me and that he still felt so much hate towards me. But then I realised for all my flaws and shortcomings that he is so nasty about, it was I that left him, just as you’ve done and we’ve stayed left and survived. Good for us! 💪 And I think these men can’t stand it so all they’ve got now is to do put us down.

Perhaps if you don’t want to take it further legally, is to change your mindset on receiving/reading such messages? He’s totally pathetic so don’t engage/acknowledge/absorb the ‘put down’ at all, expect the worse and then laugh at his meaningless words and feeble attempt to try and feel superior to you. He isn’t. Their complete saddos!

Chin up hun and sending hugs 🤗 xx

As an aside, my child is now having very minimal indirect contact with my ex and no direct contact. Abusers can’t change who they are and unfortunately kids do end up finding out about them for themselves and they then make their own decisions when they’re old enough to have a voice. I’ve heard that many times on this forum and it’s proven to be true xx

[iliketea]

@lifebegins, hi long time, how are you doing?
Thanks a lot for your reply, it helps to hear Im not alone with this. Yes, I dont engage, I just realised it was so non-stop, every single interaction on the app, its never directly rude, nothing the police would be interested in, just drip drip drip constant put downs. Yes they are pathetic, and I know in my healthier and stronger days I can rise above it, but sometimes I just can’t believe someone can be so full of hatred STILL. Incredible. I guess it is that n********t rage bubbling along underneath for him. Anyway, thank you.
That’s really interesting about child contact. Mine is still very much in the Disney Dad stage but there are definitely cracks showing, especially this Christmas when I couldn’t afford many presents and I tried to make it about experiences, and my child kept on commenting how much he liked just hanging out and doing things with me – of course Disney Dad is always busy, always on phone etc etc.
Sent you a dm. xx

[Eggshells]

Yup. They do see through it and get tired of it. Every Disney Dad moment has a price tag, unfortunately.

There will come a point when he uses the gifts to “call in favours”. And when he wants his value for money, the kids will learn not to accept anything from him.

They do learn that it’s not about the big shows, it’s about where they feel most comfortable. Inevitably, that will be the place where they are allowed to be themselves. Their Dad will never allow that.

I’m doing fine thanks hon. It’s good to hear from you. Please do dm me anytime. xx

[Twisted Sister]

that sounds so positive, that its worked out this way for you and your children.

So sad to say that many women also lose their children either temporarily or for good, denied custody, all because power games work on children very well, so does being disney dad. It takes real strong parenting to overcome and address the psychological and emotional blackmail for the poor children (and mum).

Any tips anyone has for counteracting the ongoing abuse are always gratefully received so women can have some tools to help their children through this abusive mire of a perpetrator father and partner.

Police and social services also support perpetrators in their abuses and playing the system against a woman.

Its a continual ongoing battle for so many, and very exhausting.

I am so glad to hear your situation is now so much better eggshells.

warmest wishes

ts

[StrongLife]

“Every Disney Dad moment has a price tag, unfortunately.“

So true on that statement. It’s a hefty costly price tag both financially and via ones mental health.

It still costs me.

I now have zero contact. Still costs me.

[Author]

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