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Oh my word I’m so fed up of the rollercoaster one minute your walking on egg shells and not being spoken to for a week then they ok then one comment and back to not being spoken too it’s exhausting x it appears I can’t have a say on things I don’t like being joked about the joys I’ve got to the point I don’t care now but I wish it would hurry up and be over
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During the quiet times you walk so careful waiting for them to blow during the bad times you walk so careful not wanting them to hurt you anymore not making things worse. Theres no escape right? Sweetie he wont change so you will have too. Have you learned about the cycle of abuse? Its a tough read but an important one. The more you read and learn the stronger you become then when you are ready you can reach out and grab a helping hand. None of this is easy I wont lie Ive been here decades and still fighting each and every day others in here have managed to leave either way is tough. But sweetie you are already brave and tough to be living this life. You arent alone and you really dont have to suffer this there are options you just need to find your pathway through xxxx
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Hello. I am struggling too with walking on eggshells. Is this abusive behaviour? I asked a question last night and instead of just replying I got shouted at and told to read something. Then the shouting and swearing started toward me. It really gets me down. Yet today I have been told I asked the question in the wrong way. I put up with years of physical abuse, that has stopped but shouting and swearing is picking up more and more. I am ashamed to tell people and feel trapped!
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Never feel ashamed lovely we are all here for you x yes it is mental abuse also as it is belittling you x how are you meant to know if it’s the wrong way or not x to be honest it won’t matter what way you say it it will be wrong x x x this site has taught me so much and things that I didn’t think was it is x I also feel trapped and it’s horrendous isn’t it x I tend to keep as quiet as I can now which is not me at all but I can’t deal with it x
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Oh honey bless you xx I am ready but I just can’t find the words or bring it up x I don’t know why as this is what I want x
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I know i do.
Im the same i have a counsellor but yet I xant open up fully say what I want to it really isnt easy but you will find a way you will you just have to believe in yourself dig deep down inside find that fire in your belly give it a poke and let it start up.
Some people find starting small helps just contact womans aid or your GP a family friend start with small details you are unhappy etc then just go with what happens, others just wanna get it all out in one go. Maybe write it in am email if you cant say tne words whatever way you do it is ok just dont suffer alone. X
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I thought it was just me and couldn’t understand why I can’t do it even tho I want it so bad. I feel for you all as it’s so hard x I’ve managed to open up to family over the last year some have been amazing some don’t understand and constantly ask why I haven’t done it yet which just makes me feel low! X he tends at the moment to do parting shots as he goes up to bed then the next day is waiting to see if I’m going to get the silent treatment or normal him. I feel as if I’m waiting for him to bring it up which I know is bad but I also have hope that I will get to the point that I just say it! Thank you to each and every one of you as your words help me so much to realise this is ok and it doesn’t mean I’m weak and failing. X*x
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Don be hard n yourself, this is so familiar to a lot of us. I’ve wasted so many days hiding in bed, pretending to sleep to try and work out what mood he was in before I came out. Taking the kids out every weekend to get away from him. Avoiding him so i dont rock the boat, just trying to avoid an argument bevause i swear that man would argue with his own shadow! There was always a reason why he did what he did, and i kept waiting for those reasons to go away – for him to get help with his depression or his addiction, for him to find a job he liked, neighbours he liked, friends he liked. He’d complain he had no-one but then complain and push everyone away. I didnt tell anyone the extent of what was happened – how utterly miserable my existence was. I was ashamed that I was letting it happen to me and I couldnt find a way to explain what it was like. Unless you’ve lived it how can you understand. Unless you’ve lived with someone who doesn’t want to resolve any issues you dont know what its like to defend yourself over petty things and find yourself crying and locked out of your own house. And you still go back and take more. After a very long time I started to tell a friend I trusted small bits and she was amazing, totally non judgmental but she couldnt hide how wrong she thought his behaviour was. That helped. I’ve had so much counselling over the years to how i react to his behaviour and I was never truly honest with the counsellors because i thought they would consider me in danger and notify authorities. The latest one made it absolutely crystal clear that I could not change him or his behaviour and it sparked something in me to start thinking did I want this for the rest of my life. Waiting for him to meet someone else or die so I could be free and happy. So I’m doing it, I’m making it happen. No judgment to anyone w ho doesn’t because its different for everyone and I know that the reality is incredibly hard and its sometimes easier to stick with what you know. And when you are in it it is so unbelievably exhausting and tiring that just getting through the day sometimes is an achievement. You never relax and your nervous system is working constantly because you are on eggshells. Thinking of you. x
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Thank you and well done I’m so proud of you for managing to break it x trust me I’m ready I don’t want to put up with it I just can’t seem to say the words to him I can to others easily but to him I fall silent I keep saying I’m building strength and I honestly think I am x but yes it’s hard and no excuses for him what so ever he has his issues which I’ve tried to help but you can’t help someone who doesn’t realise they need it x my heart is ready my head is ready it’s purely the doing it now x
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I’m sorry this has happened.
Being ignoring is a tactic- it’s just more emotional abuse. It creates a tense environment for you.
Similar things are happening to myself. I don’t like it even though I left as I wait for the next explosion.
Please keep going and seek help in your area through counselling and helplines/groups.
I am glad you found this site for detailed information from other survivors
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Hey Newgirl, you will get there, that final leap to leave is so hard… you have been building up bit by bit and you will get there on your time… that final leap took me a few attempts…I was where you are now, my heart and head new it was over, I think what held me back at that time was how he would react, I was terrified of his response.
You are right in saying that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves, he also knows what he is doing, that how he treats you is wrong and you are miserable. If it was a normal relationship, not DA/DV it would be a conversation, Albeit a sad, difficult conversation but as adults we converse and even though it hurts we recover and move on. With an abusive partner, we all know it isn’t the same as they start different tactics, anger, playing victim, buying time just to keep themselves there, all unhealthy… hiw do you think he will act if you say you want to separate? And do you have support in place now as leaving is the most dangerous time?
HFH ❤️ -
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