This topic contains 8 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  fizzylem 4 months ago.

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  • #76031
     Woollymammal 
    Participant

    Hi all, you’ve been such a great help with answering my posts and at the time I read them feel assured it is him not me..But then he does something else and again I find um questioning myself all over again..
    Like how can he sit next to me and hold my hand and I try and talk to him and try to start some sort of normal conversation, all I get is eith Mmmmm or nothing, or sorry what did you say .I have to answer him if he talks, which of course is constant .Always about work, I feel like shouting at him and saying I need some sort of normal conversation orher than your work and about yourself..Several times I have said, I’m waiting for you to answer..But he doesn’t have an answer..
    Before I left him (1 of 3 times) I used to say I need you to listen to me, I need you to just hold me if I cry about my Angel daughter, he’d just say I don’t know what to say .I said you don’t have to say anything just listen..
    I asked him 1 time when we were out to take me somewhere so I could just shout my daughter’s name..He just replied, there’s no where to go..
    Before I left him and found out it was dv and dad, it was so clear cut..
    Since I went back to him it’s more subtle therefore more confusing to me, has he changed? It’s not so threatening like I’ll break your nose , etc…
    I find him looking at me sometimes, it’s not love in those eyes but a sort of look like I’m a stranger, and an empty look..
    Maybe it is because I often don’t question any thing anymore and do as I’m told …
    I think I’m more confused now than ever. There’s so many things I need answers as to is that abuse still or was that what he just did abuse?
    I just feel totally insane..
    X*x

  • #76045
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Hey Woolly, feeling insane is dreadful, it was feeling this way that was the straw that broke the camels back for me; I couldnt cope feeling like this in his company, it felt too unsafe, as I’d learnt quite a while before hand that he will exploit me and verbally attack me whenever I felt vulnerable. I think this came about because of the self doubt, and starting to question is he right about me, the derogatory things he says, it felt like I didnt know what was real anymore. At that time I had been thinking we have had adult discussions, the same ones over and over but nothing changes, we would agreed a way forwards, then nothing changed, I doubted myself a lot, am I being unreasonable here, am I not communicating well enough? Is it me not him?

    On reflection now I can see that I was clear, he just chose to ignore me and carry on regardless. I was not trusting my gut feelings, I’d learnt to ignore them, shelve them, put them aside. I had thought I was in an adult relationship and we were open and honest with one another, only it turned out this was not the case at all. He was only driven by his own needs, he couldnt care less about my needs. He also reacted from his emotions, made emotional decisons in the moment, he wasnt capable of being rational or reasoned or seeing the bigger picture. I started to notice this, that he never made a sound decison for the family, his answers were always what he wanted to do in that moment.

    He let me down a number of times when in my hour of need, because he just didnt have any emotional understanding / intelligence, he seemed to miss the part when this is one of those times she needs me to do this. His response, or answer was always an answer that ‘suited him’ – he never had my best interests at heart because he was completely self driven.

    I can also now see that he simply does not have the capacity to think about anyone other than himself, I can relate so much to your post, all converstaions were only about him, and if they werent, it would only take him seconds to turn into being about him. Was very dull. There were no stimulating converstations ever.

    I think the mistake you are making possibly, is the same mistake I made, you’re assuming he is an adult with emotional intelligence and there is openess between you, that he is adept, when he really is not, he’s actually inadequate in many ways – which is why he needs you, to take care of him and the stuff he finds tedious in life. Have you read anything on n*******m yet? FL.x

  • #76046
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    He had a good way of half listening, he only picked up stuff he might be able to use against me in an attack, once I’d realised this, as I stopped sharing with him, and only gave him bits, I could see it for what it was, anything I gave him about me was just something he could use as a weopon later. In the begining, because there was a shread of truth to what he was saying, this left me questioning does he have a point? Only now I can see how he twisted things, and projected his thoughts and feelings onto me – if you listen to what he says to you, this is actually who he really is, I got your sick, twisted, controlling and many many more, which is who he is – who I was dealing with. Stand back and listen to this, but read it as a confession – will b**w you away x

  • #76049
     Woollymammal 
    Participant

    Thank you FL for replying, I think when I’m away from him I can see things different, but he has confused my head so much .. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, I often wonder is it because I don’t want to believe when he’s so nice he’s so capable of the abuse .
    Even though I know what he’s done and doing to me..
    I have looked at N******m on YouTube.. and it all points to everything he is and does..
    Having ptsd, depression and anxiety it took 3 years to see a physchologist. It was to help with my daughter being killed but because the abuse has taken over and seems I’ve always had some sort of abuse in my relationships that has got to be at the moment the priority ..
    Sometimes I just wished I could just take my dogs and go, but where?
    X*x

  • #76052
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Youve hit the nail on the head there, you’re struggling to be face the truth of it; this is a really hard pill to swallow for sure, but it’s not as bad as you think it might be, it actually frees us. For me it was removing the love filter, I removed the belief he loves me – this was a real turning point. Can see I didnt want to let this go, but once I did things really started to make sense, and it came thick and fast.

    Youve been through some horrendous trauma havent you losing your daughter, guess this would blurr things for you with him, as there’s been so much going on for you to emotionally process. Understandably you’ve had to try and stand still for a bit. 3yrs? Tells us a lot hey, tells us you have been on lock down, that you’ve been doing what you can to get through. Of course leaving him would be another loss, a loss you have not been ready to deal with.

    So glad to read you are putting you first now, giving yourself what you need xx

  • #76055
     Woollymammal 
    Participant

    I totally agree, I still haven’t really accepted or grieved for my daughter as he would Ssshhh me if I cried, or if I was angry he’d say don’t take it out on him, even though I gave him a leaflet on ptsd the day before..
    So I kept my grief in and tried to in private have a little cry, but he’d always catch me and give me that evil look!
    He even used to say to people he knew that it was our daughter that got killed, I’d say it wasn’t your daughter, she was my daughter..
    Gosh things keep coming back to me, I need to write these ones down, they suddenly pop into my head, and I try and write them down before I forget..
    Thank you FL..
    X*x

  • #76063
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    This really saddens and angers me Woolly; you need to be free to greive and do whatever it is you need to do to help with that. Because it’s all about him, when you need time out for you it means he doesnt get his needs met, that’s why you’re not allowed to be ill or greive, as this is no use to him, sometimes it even means he has to take care of you, which he doesnt really want to have to do hey, he’d much rather you be ok and working for him.

    It may be that you find you can only really be free to grieve for her when he’s not there anymore, as you relax and start to feel ok to be you again; and give yourself more of what you need.

    Yes a mature adult would understand you will be naturally angry and tearful, I would get this, and thus be able to hold you and give you that space to help you get what you need, especially when you feel angry, as I can see it isnt about me, it’s about you needing to express this and work through it; whereas he cant cope with this, it is more instinctual to him to retaliate. No capacity to think of others – remember, he just doesnt have it, his head is full of me thoughts; he’s egocentric just like a child. Happy to be comforted, not so able to be the comforter.

    I feel a bit sickened by what you’ve said re him telling folk he lost his daughter, can you see how he plays with a person’s perceptions here? Manipulates others into feeling sorry for him – the N is highly skilled in this game. They do this in a grandiose way was well, make out he or things are bigger and better than they really are – utterly delusional.

    He hasn’t been the loving rock of support you’ve needed hey. You need to find this in others flower.

    Yes, write things down, it helps a great deal to process how you feel, reflect, make sense of things. Hugs x

  • #76064
     Woollymammal 
    Participant

    FL, thank you for those words you don’t know how much they mean to me… In my mind I kept giving excuses for him.. Don’t think I even know what a normal relationship is anymore..I suppose that’s what I would have loved to have him do, but in a way I should expect his reaction..
    You can tell yourself this isn’t right but seeing someone else say it in black and white. Makes me actually start realising the evil in him at long last …
    She is my baby still wherever she is, not his .. Never was his, he knew her for a few years..
    My whole mind is just taken over with him.. I long to think of my daughter but I’ve learnt to keep my emotions in now…
    Hugs x*x

  • #76069
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Great. Have a rant on here, get angry with him on here, sounds like you need it.

    Find that place outside you seek Woolly if this is still important to you, go shout your daughter’s name as loud as you can and do it over and over until you can’t breath and do it any longer, then lie down on the ground and be with how you feel. Do whatever you need to do to grieve. However mad or strange that seems to you or to others – roll with it, do it anyway x

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