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    • #17138
      Whathaveidone
      Participant

      I am constantly thinking about what he might be thinking about me. I know I shouldnt but I’m just so used to trying to assess his moods that even now I’m not with him and dont want to be I’m still doing it.

      Is it weird that now that I’m out, I’m getting flashbacks of the nice/good times but when I was in the relationship – all I could see was the abuse. The ‘nice times’ were not real though. I have to remember what I really felt even during those nice times.

      Just trying to find my feet.

    • #17143
      Ayanna
      Participant

      This is normal.
      He is probably mighty angry and blames the whole world but not himself.
      Write down whatever you remember and how it made you feel. It will help you later.

      • #17179
        Whathaveidone
        Participant

        you’re right Ayanna. I did write how I was feeling at the time actually but I have read through them today so I’ll do that when I’m feeling like this just to remind myself of the reality of the situation.

    • #17152
      Pineapple
      Participant

      I’m doing this too I feel so responsible for him and so guilty and wonder what’s going through his mind it’s so hard

      • #17180
        Whathaveidone
        Participant

        Hi Pineapple. It’s hard isn’t it? In my mind, part of it is wondering what he’s feeling, how he’s doing but then another part is trying to block out things then another part is actively trying to not forget exactly all the things that has happened. I’m just trying to take it easy now.

    • #17182

      Dear WhathaveIdone

      I have read the first paragraph of your post today and I can identify with every single word that you wrote, I am in exactly the same position now. I was in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship and ended this over (detail removed by moderator) ago. I believe that he took back control by agreeing with me to end it. Since then the thoughts that I have had about him/it and us have been virtually constant, all day every day beginning from when I opened my eyes in the morning up until when I closed my eyes at night, and then I would dream about him. As the time has gone on, particularly as I’ve found some closure possibilities, I have found these obsessive/intrusive thoughts have lessened. Like you, I knew that I didn’t want to be with him. I tried to force the thoughts to stop but they wouldn’t. I have recently had some contact with a relative of his (they contacted me), this has quietened the thoughts somewhat, together with feeling your pain, time, acccepting your pain and taking every bit of advice you get from here. One of the things that gave me some closure was reading; H G Tudor, From the mouth of a N********t, it gave me insight into why I was obsessing, its all down to him having the last word when he finished it, trauma bonding, silence. Its complex but you can work it out.
      Dear WhathaveIdone

      I have read the first paragraph of your post today and I can identify with every single word that you wrote, I am in exactly the same position now. I was in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship and ended this over 2 months ago. I believe that he took back control by agreeing with me to end it. Since then the thoughts that I have had about him/it and us have been virtually constant, all day every day beginning from when I opened my eyes in the morning up until when I closed my eyes at night, and then I would dream about him. As the time has gone on, particularly as I’ve found some closure possibilities, I have found these obsessive/intrusive thoughts have lessened. Like you, I knew that I didn’t want to be with him. I tried to force the thoughts to stop but they wouldn’t. I have recently had some contact with a relative of his (they contacted me), this has quietened the thoughts somewhat, together with feeling your pain, time, acccepting your pain and taking every bit of advice you get from here. One of the things that gave me some closure was reading; H G Tudor, From the mouth of a N********t, it gave me insight into why I was obsessing, its all down to him having the last word when he finished it, trauma bonding, silence. Its complex but you can work it out.
      Please try & read some of my other posts as i’m on the same wavelength as you X*X

    • #17184
      Pineapple
      Participant

      I’m on day (detail removed by moderator) of leavin. I was thinking about him this morning and just burst into tears saying I wanted to go home to him and get back to normal. Then I went shopping with a friend and ended up crying cos I kept seeing things I knew he would like then remembering I won’t sesee him again. Have just been thinking about what he’s thinking and doing, if he’s told anyone what’s happened, what he’s said about me etc…

    • #17191

      for weeks & weeks all i thought about was him, i had a variety of really severe emotions ranging from anger, love, missing him badly, depression etc etc. I literally was in so much emotional pain. Only yesterday I was feeling sorry for him and pity, today i feel nothing. It does get better with time. I also had many flashbacks of the good times and felt deeply sad that It hadn’t worked out. That i still loved him. X*X

      • #17195
        Whathaveidone
        Participant

        Thanks for sharing this HealthyArchive. It just feels like he still have a slight control over my mind still even though were are physically apart. I try to block it out as best as I can and keep telling myself that its the right thing to do. My mum is in total shock and it is breaking my heart as well because she is blaming herself for whats happened but its not her fault. It’s none of our fault. He blamed everything on us and controlled us all and even though he’s not allowed no contact, he’s still managed to destroy some of our happiness.

        The police are investigating but it just feels like they don’t believe me which is not helping. I know its procedure but…it doesnt stop how I’m feeling.

        I’m going to read the books you’ve been suggesting by HG Tudor at some point. I’ve just had information overload from so many people, internet, books I’m still trying to process it all. In my heart I know it will get better some point but for now I’m just trying to survive.

    • #17199
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there. I wish I could fast forward this bit on your road to recovery. It’s draining and exhausting for us. In the future you will not give him a second thought. You will reach a stage when your really won’t remember what you ever saw in him. Until that day comes, try to be gentle on yourself. The brain chatter subsides and is replaced with peace and calm. There is hope for a very happy safe life full of wonderful things again❤️

    • #17204
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Try to make plans, try to think how to re organize your life. Keep yourself busy. That helps a lot with coping.

    • #17224

      Dear Whathaveidone, when I first split from my ex I felt that he were still very much controlling me, allthough we didn’t see each other anymore, there were no loose ends and it was strictly contact on both sides, he did not pester, stalk, contact me in any way, nor did any of his associates. However I still felt totally controlled, it was such a horrible feeling, i felt lost and devastated. When I ended our relationship I was sure it was the right decision, i did it in a nice, respectful and honest way, admitting my faults aswell as telling him about his own. Immediately he mirrored what i said totally. Not the nice, respectful, honest stuff. He just said to me he felt we had no future and he did not want to see me again. Bearing in mind one week before he was telling me I was his soul mate and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I felt that the carpet had been pulled between my feet, it was so difficult to understand but I came to think that he had taken my right of choice away from me. He had taken control and had done that deliberataly to stay in control & get the final word. This left me for weeks in total despair and desperation. Like your ex, mine blamed me 100%, he admitted nothing and apologized for nothing (allthough i did). The most recet book I read by HG Tudor helped me to see that him having the last word was a deliberate control tactic, when you see it written in black and white it feels like a load lifted off your shoulders. Like you I have been trying to function & have had such a wide range of very strong emotions, i have put on a stone and am so unfit right now, i let myself go and had quite a mentally stressful time for some time now. BUT you start to see more positivity in your life and gain true strength. A few days ago i was so desperate to hear from him or a family member, it felt as though someone I loved had died, the grief was so severe. Then I received a text from a family member and it unsettled me, but in a way made me feel good. I have taken back control. Keep posting and sharing your thoughts and feelings. If it had not been for this forum I would have begged and pleaded with him to take me back months ago. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (I am thinking of you).

    • #17225

      Sorry i meant strictly NO contact on both sides.

    • #17233

      These chapters from Ask The N********t, the answers to your questions gave me to much understanding in why I was feeling the way that I was & still am sometimes:

      Why can’t i get closure with a n********t?
      Why do you spoil special occasions?
      Are you ever sorry for what you do?
      Why do you make it so hard work to figure you out?
      Why do you always have to have the last word

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