Contact due to young children

[SeekingPeace]

Hi everyone,
Just interested to know how others navigate life after you’ve left when you have children.
Obviously co-parenting with an abuser is not possible though my ex communicated via his solicitor his desire (detail removed by moderator)
Currently I am the residential parent, I always have been, and he sees them on a regular basis but so far they haven’t had any overnight stays with him.
I have communicated via my solicitor the reasons I have declined his proposal and I have gone “no contact” as far as thats possible when you have children! By “no contact” I mean I’ve communicated via my solicitor I do not wish my ex to text, phone or email me directly unless it is an emergency involving the children. The only exception to this is that he calls the children (detail removed by moderator) -between seeing them. As they are too young to take the call themselves, I have been facilitating the call.
So far I’ve been very fortunate in that ive had a third party, a good friend of mine, who was wiling to do pick up and drop offs on the days the children spend with my ex. As well as that she was happy to act as go-between so if there was anything that needed to be communicated with regards to the children, in-between the days that they were with him, I text her and she would text him my message and his reply.
It certainly cut right down the post separation abuse as he is careful how he interacts with her and his texts are purely factual. It was awful before I had the third party arrangement in place!
That said, he never initiates any communication with me via my friend. He has continued to contact me directly, usually by email but occasionally by text or voicemail. I’m actually considering blocking him so he can’t email me anymore!
Sadly due to personal circumstances my friend is no longer able to be my third party for contact.
Of course I always knew it
could only be a very temporary arrangement/solution but I’m struggling to decide what to do next.
Id love to know how other women with children navigate this situation as I’m really keen to maintain as little direct contact with him as I can. I’ve been looking at parenting apps such as My Family Wizard. Does anyone else use one of these apps.
But I’m not sure as my domestic abuse support person doesn’t think this is a good idea. I’m struggling to think of an alternative though. Even if I don’t need it in the immediate future, what about as the children grow and there need to be discussions/agreements re schooling or medical care etc.

[Living Warrior]

hi hun,
i have “some” experience with this although atm, due to issues we have no contact at all with my ex. i had no go between, i had to get my solicitor to engage him, as he constantly contacted me, (detail removed by moderator) as long as it was for the kids, he used this to “start” a conversation in msg or email and trail off onto us. so i stopped replying. (detail removed by moderator) kept my answers, polite but firm. and kept EVERY MESSAGE. Calls were given to my children, but as you have said they were too young to do this themselves so he was given days and times to call my phone. i would press accept, put it on loud speaker (detail removed by moderator) and left them to talk- this didnt work, because he was still controlling and contact has stopped.

i know of incidents where there has been a “communication book” between parents, if there is an issue or something needs to be spoken bout, then you right it in the book, the book goes with the child, and is returned with a note from the other parent on return. some find it better- but ALWAYS photocopy or photograph the pages, for your own records incase it goes “missing” 🙂

i hope this helps.

[SeekingPeace]

Thank you v much for your reply!
Yes I did consider a communication book about a year ago but then decided against as I didn’t want an open ended thing but was struggling to find a diary style that I thought might work better with limited spaces so he could only write within the space.
Hmmm I’ll need to have a further think! I might run it by my solicitor.

[Anonymous]

Hi I’m in a similar position with no third party to help with handover or communication. I try my absolute best to make all communication Regarding children via email in an account set up solely for that purpose which I check on specific days, occasional texts only and use a contact/communication book. It’s very difficult when there is no third party and sometimes I have had to have support from professionals to help me find ways to manage this and deal with him.

[Hope4future]

It sounds difficult. I always used a contact centre he would have to pay. The staff would undertake the handover so I didn’t have to. Days and times were set with no flexibility so I dudnt have to speak or arrange anything. When the children got older we would meet at a shop front in public. I never accepted phone contact when my childre were young as I felt he used it in a way to control me. Contact can always be letters or pictures, it’s all about the child knowing who their parent is. Courts do not always think what’s best for the child. Good luck I hope you find a solution

[cakepops]

With young children I would go for a contact book. Bullet point anything you need to say. Literally along the lines of:

– X has a cold, Calpol given at 14.20.
– Copy of Y’s school report enclosed.

If he wants to reply back with pages and pages of c**p, just entirely ignore it. Only respond to the specific issues that need a reply. So if, for example, he send you two pages about how you’re an awful mum because your child had a huge cut on their knee that hadn’t been treated, that this shows you are abusive and horrible, and reminds him of the time when you did xyz blah blah blah… You would ignore this until the time of next handover and just saying something like ‘Thanks for your previous comments about X’s knee. X had a small cut from falling over, which I cleaned and did not need a plaster.’

The advantage of this approach is you are documenting your ability to communicate appropriately, and he is doing the opposite. Be polite and ensure you share all info on education, health, behaviour etc and nothing else.

With regards to handover, is it possible to arrange there at a large shop with cctv?

[Living Warrior]

i agree, contact book would be safest- also can be used as evidence of him “not communicating properly” and a reason to stop contact on the side of “your emotional health” it proof of the abuse.

Then it would be up to him to go for contact through the courts, as long as you have a reason for stopping contact, its not an issue. i found a good help page (detail removed by moderator).
they have a brilliant guide on “how do family courts deal with cases about children where there might be domestic abuse”

i found this very helpful. i hope this helps you too if you do have to go down that route-
courts and cafcass will then sort out whether contact is appropriate and where and when it takes place.

[Author]

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