Contact from ex

[RedStrawberry]

So I still have to have limited contact with ex as we have kids and he’s has to pick them up and drop them off etc. Less than a week after he left he asked to videocall them I said it was too soon. He’s asked again today. The kids are settled and much calmer since he’s gone especially the youngest. They’re too young to call him themselves. It wouldn’t be every night because of his job but I don’t know if that would just confuse them and upset them. I feel like it’s an intrusion into the life I’m trying to build without him. I never called him out on being abusive as I didn’t realise it was til it turned physical and I explained everything he’d been doing to a counsellor and they told me it was. So i have no idea if he actually realises the effect his behaviour has had on me. I would happily not ever have to see him again but that’s not an option because of the kids. I don’t know what to do. I’ve asked my friends what they think and had mixed reactions but none of them have gone through da. Any suggestions from people who actually understand?

[Lisa]

Hello RedStrawberry,

I’m sorry to hear that you are still having to have contact with your ex due to him seeing the children, we understand how difficult and distressing this can be, particularly when you really need space and zero contact to begin to recover from the impact of the relationship.

Unfortunately, you might find that even when an abuser is made aware of the effect their behaviour has had, they will often reflect, deny and dismiss this. Sometimes making themselves out to be the victim or rejecting any responsibility for their behaviour. They might blame their partner for their abusive behaviour or even accuse their partner of being the abuser. Therefore, it can be an unproductive, frustrating and confusing conversation to have.

Unfortunately, the desire for closure can be really strong, and it can be really hard to accept that we may never receive a genuine apology or any remorse for what’s happened.

In terms of the contact, it might be helpful to access some legal advice around your rights and options. Rights of Women have a free family law advice line and lots of information on their website: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[RedStrawberry]

Thanks. It’s really hard, he did blame me for everything even things I had no control over. He accused me of gaslighting him and refused to accept any responsibility for his actions. I had just started to question his behaviour around alcohol and some of things he was asking me to do when he got physical. Even if it was spelled out to him I think he would deny it because he believed he was always right, so I know I’ll never get an apology for anything. I find it so hard to have to see him and remain civil when all I want to do is scream at him to go away and not come back.

[searchingforhope]

i’m sorry you are experiencing this. I feel the exact same. Newly separated and mine asks what has he down, didn’t cheat, didn’t hit me, but I can’t explain what he has done. Because he won’t get it. I’ve been blamed for so many things and all I ever did was probably do too much and love him too much and probably enabled his depression more as I took on everything myself. Of course that’s all my fault now. In his eyes I didn’t support him the way he wanted support.
I’m so lost now. I don’t know what to say anymore.
I’m spooked this evening over him coming into the house. Can’t explain more as detail will probably be removed as too specific. But I don’t know what to do. I genuinely feel I’m not ready to say it’s definitely over, but if I could wave a magic wand I would never want to see him again so I hear exactly what your saying. Because of the kids I can’t cut contact. He can contact some of them through apps but not the youngest. That’s hard trying to navigate that then too
Definitely think there is no point calling him out on the abuse, you’ll only get the blame and have it twisted back on you, if my experience on the things I’ve tried to say is anything to go by. It’s so hard to know your own mind in this. So so hard. Take it hour by hour. You’ll get there x*x

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