Contact or no contact????

[mixed-up mum]

Today is my ex sister-in-laws birthday – and I thought about sending her a text to say happy birthday, that’s me the nice person I am, the REAL me……

BUT when I left my ex ALL of his family totally cut off me and my my daughter (not my son – boys in the family are ‘special’ and almost ‘Sainted’ – as THEY carry on the family name, where as girls are worthless, and can easily be ‘cast aside’ !!!!!)

Me and my daughter got the blame for the breakdown of the marriage by ALL of his family ( there was never any question that HE was actually at fault!!!), and so we were totally cut out of the family forever!!! We no longer excisted to them.
My son still gets for Xmas and birthday, but not my daughter.

So for most I have kind of accepted that they want nothing more to do with us – but just occasionally, on days like their birthdays, part of me thinks the nice thing to do would be to say happy birthday, but then I think why should I, they have treated us so badly, why should I bother with them.

I just feel bad at NOT doing something that the nice person inside of me WOULD DO.

Have many of YOU been cut off by your ex family?
Or have you successfully managed to keep a good relationship going with them??

[White Rose]

Hi M.U.M sounds like you’re having a bad day!
Thing is – do you want to say happy birthday as a duty or because actually you want to and you like her, you care and you’d like to try to keep contact? If it’s duty don’t do it. If you want to keep the link with her then do it.
I’m in a very lucky position in that the vast majority (90% or more) of my ex’s family are so supportive of me. It’s him they don’t want to know having been treated like dirt by him over the years. It’s a strange position to be in as they have no contact with him and welcome me and include me, who is essentially an outsider, in all family events.
If you send your sister in law a text she can either reply positively, be a real b***h back, or ignore it – what would each of those actions make you think and would any make you feel worse? Would you contacting her mean you have let down your no contact barrier in any way?
I don’t know what’s right to advise sorry but felt you needed something xx

[Ayanna]

My gut feeling after reading your story says no, I would not do it. It would let you appear like a beggar, like someone who is needy. I would not allow them to see me like this. I would keep zero contact and enjoy my life without them. They only meant grief to you. Why stirring up grief again? Life is hard enough already as it is for us women who flee domestic abuse.
I can understand that you feel a vacuum after losing extended family. Just remember how they treated you. That will give you strength to avoid them. I would also try to cut contacts between them and your son. The boy receives the wrong message and that influences him how he sees women. xxxxx

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Ive been trying to reply all afternoon to u just log in now, no def dont wish her happy b day, when u left they made there choice to take ex side and not support u , even now u say they r keeping in touch with just one child, again mind games, my ex side cut me off after 6 months when they realized im not coming bk, she prob wouldnt even appreciate and would ignore u which would upset u more

[mixed-up mum]

Thank you all for your replies – well birthday is over and I didn’t text her after all.

White Rose – well I DID like her, and we WERE very close before I left her brother – and how they could all drop me like that when I had been a part of their family for more than (removed by moderator) – how could they – did me and my daughter mean nothing after all that time……

I was quite prepared to keep in contact with them, and remain on decent speaking terms – it was THEM who decided to cut us out.
I actually told her what he had done to me – and she refused to believe me – siding with her own brother – how could she ever think I would make it up……makes me sad that she thinks that of me after all these years.
You are so lucky that you have decent in-laws, who have remained in contact with you.
I didn’t expect my exes family to cut him out of their livrs, but equally I did not expect them to cut my daughter and myself out of their lives either……

I really don’t know what she would have done had I tx her, I would like think she would find it in her heart to reply, but I know it would have been a very basic one line reply…..
After I had been in hospital last year, she did send a card TO MY DAUGHTER – saying – tell your mum I hope she is better soon – she couldn’t even find it in her heart to say to ME, hope you are better soon. And a few month after we left him she did tx me saying “how are the children” – she couldn’t even call them by their names!!!!

Ayanna – I do agree with you to a certain extent if I had messaged her it would be like I was begging for her attention, trying to get back in the family, ‘ASKING for her forgiveness’…..

It’s more than a year and a half now since I had contact with any of them, and I can get on with my life without them in it, but on occasions it hurts me to think how they have all turned their backs on me and my daughter, for no good reason…..
You are right if she had ignored me again it would have hurt me and opened up old wounds……
They have no contact what-so-ever between them and my son – only a card for Xmas and Birthday, and that’s been the sum total of their efforts over the space of a whole year.

Hi Confused123, yeah you are right they made the choice as to who to support, me or him…..and they chose him. And yes you are right they chose to keep in contact with only one child, and cut out the other, which is pretty bad on their part…..

Thank you all for yor replies, just what I needed to help me see things clearer….I knew it all in my heart – but hearing all three of you say it hepled me know I was right.

Thank you all x*x

[Author]

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