Continual accusations from ex

[privatelady]

I experienced emotional and controlling abuse from my ex husband whilst we where together.
I gained my freedom from him (detail removed by moderator) ago but I can’t shake him Completly as we have a child together, well when he decides he wants to be part of her life and dad of the year but the kid is noticing that already and I swear he’s using his in and out of the life as a way to control mine.
She told him (detail removed by moderator) on the phone we had been out with friends, who have a child (detail removed by moderator), friend of opposite sex, known for (detail removed by moderator), messages continuous (detail removed by moderator) too. I went out with my brother, didn’t tell him who I was out with and got accused of being in new relationships and mounds of abuse.
I’ve reminded him of the bounderies, when we ar win contact it is to discuss our daughter or the divorce (which apprently he filed for but I think that’s a lie too as I haven’t had anything through not even notification from a solicitor of his intention months and I mean months on) but he’s still trying to abuse me from a distance.
Like what the hell?

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Privatelady,
Please be kind to yourself, this is still very early days for you as you have not been away from your ex for that long and it does take time for the wounds to heal
I understand that this is not helped by you having to have contact with him for your child as there is no real space and time for you to do you before he pops up again
I think it would be a good idea to look at putting a legal arrangement in place for your ex to see your child, this way the boundaries are automatically established and clear to adhere to
This is a difficult situation as you cannot go completely no contact, so I would start to look as well at what boundaries you can set for yourself
Do you need to answer the phone to him everytime, can you just text a time/date arrangement for you child?
When you do speak to him, what are your boundaries? If he starts to talk about anything other than the arrangement for your child are you prepared to listen or is this your boundary for cutting him off?
Know yourself first and what is acceptable and what isn’t, this might not sit well at first with your ex but you might find like setting boundaries for a child that his behaviour starts to change too
Step into your power my darling and control the direction you want yours and your child’s life to go in… it wont be easy and it requires you being really strong, but in time the rewards will come… like I said this is early days and both you and your ex are adjusting to a new way of being
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[privatelady]

I’ve been trying to get legal advice and but pushed it forward a little more.
I got the number for one who is good at dealing with these type of issues from a local women’s empowerment charity via welfare calls. I need to take on more of there support really but with half terms and juggling work, childcare being unavailable at certain points and my head being in the clouds and in survival mode at times it’s been hard to find direction. He has done me a favour with the latest tirade though in truth as its taken me back to the main goal and focused.

I’ve diverted to voicemail and send him an email simply re iterating the bounderies, that if he had anything to communicate with me he can do it via email. I will be unblocking the phone at certain arranged points during the week for him to talk to his child, that the calls remain child foccussed and not used to communicate with me or ask me anything or tell me anything as the call is for our daughter and him to talk. Anything else he can email. I’ve set days when I know we are home at reasonable times for her age and plans which I will stick to. I’ve re iterated the contact arrangements and when he is to see his daughter which is already in place (which he hasn’t been sticking too but I’ve kept records and evidence of it)

And I’ve (detail removed by moderator).

As expected I’ve had the flip out reply (detail removed by moderator) however it’s all worded with no emotion, daughter at centre but it simply cuts his opportunities to be little and berate me from a distance (although I havnt said this is a reason in the email, just that, this is the plan). I’m being more than reasonable and infact I am fighting for him to keep his relationship with my daughter for her sake.

Thank you Darcy for replying, its appreciated.

[Darcy]

I think that’s great you have set the boundaries for phone calls etc… well done
It can be over whelming so make a list and get what needs addressing down on paper, then you can start to prioritise, start to talk to other Mums or family or friends and put it out there that you may need help in the holidays with childcare, you never know what offers may come back
Remember you wont resolve everything in one go, so mark the achievements and don’t forget how far you have come
The most important thing is to get you strong, plant your roots firmly in the soil so when he does come around again you will not be so uprooted
D xx

[KIP.]

Make sure you’re the legal resident parent or he can keep your daughter and simply not return her. Also, think about the type of man you’re exposing your child to? If he wasn’t her father would you allow an abuser near her. Talk to women’s aid. If he’s using her now, he’s abusing her too and doesn’t have her best interests at the fore front. Can you use a third party for all contact? That way he doesn’t get the opportunity to harm you.

[Whyohwhy]

Sounds very similar to what I am going through too. I am always being acused of seeing another man, although I have every right to. It just shows how little he knows about my life as chance would be a fine thing! The thing is he keeps bringing it up in front of our young daughter, but now she says to me (detail removed by moderator) out of the mouths of babes!

[privatelady]

As expected he finally blew up over the limited means of contact (detail removed by Moderator) when he was supposed to be on pre arranged call to daughter. He asked her to put me on the phone and the shouting began.. I reminded him the purpose of the call but he carried on shouting. Can’t block voice mails so they came through thick and fast. He’s not planning anything unless it’s over the phone.
Stuck by guns and contact with me is email only

Really sad tonight as little one wanted to phone him as he didn’t make the plans with her he should have (detail removed by Moderator) as he spent time shouting at me, which again she heard. We have had chats about how it’s not fair for grown ups to act like that and that if she did ring him I wouldn’t be speaking to him on the phone. Clear as day she says to him please don’t ask to speak to mummy so you can say “****** this thay the other) like you did (detail removed by Moderator) or shout like you do sometimes.
I’m now worried I’ve put that thought in her head unintentionally by trying to reassure that he loves her very much and whatever he says to me won’t change that

I’ve got someone with me when he next collects and drops off. I’m feeling lost again.

[cakepops]

I would email him and tell him that you will no longer be speaking to him via the phone due to his harassment. All contact will be via email, with calls to child via something like zoom that you can record. This way if he continues to harass you you can get the police and/or family court involved and will have the proof you need.

[cakepops]

To add – look up ‘yellow rock’ (as distinct from grey rock) communication – this will help you to put boundaries in place. For example, if he makes more accusations about you dating or similar you can entirely ignore. Only reply to anything specifically about your child and contact.

[privatelady]

I’ve been using yellow rock anyway as I can’t truly grey rock when it’s around our child.
It’s the yellow rock which has esculating him which with warning about how individuals of controlling nature’s may react, he’s following the rise up and try and make things harder and is digging deeper for the reactions, which he’s not getting from me.

I think it’s truley bugging that I’m not showing him any response to his manipulation so he’s usin g now, the one thing I have to respond to and that’s the issues around his contact with our child, but it’s harmful to her

Anything not to do with our child I’ve not been engaging in conversation about
I’ve made it quite clear there are certain things I will discuss which are important we discuss but will be done by email only.

For months every time he’s had a go or shouted or demanded down the phone I’ve followed up with messages to confirm what his main point was (mainly so I’ve got screenshots of him admitting the accusations and gaslighting and not denying anything. Infact to be fair I’ve got years of it if I really needed it, he’s now gone but his behaviour isn’t changing. So if he’s saying a, b and c I’ve purposefully messaged regarding this you said… Etc..

and this is how he’s behaved for a long time.
I’m going to drop in tomorrow for further advise regarding legal processes and domestic abuse advise as a first step as its time I build my own life back.

We now have routines and stability (of a sorts) but I need to find me again without feeling anxious all the time.im never going to heal and need to so and whilst he’s behaving like this it’s only going to impact our child and with everything I’ve got she is the centre and his behaviour often not realising he’s beong coercive and nasty is not going to impact her life anymore either

[Author]

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