Continued control through contact (detail removed by Moderator)

[Balletdancer]

I kind of new here. I was around a few years ago and am now back.

I left my abuser (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. For a long time and because of my stupidity he continued to abuse me via contact with our child which took place in my home as I thought that was the best way to keep her safe. Once she got older I realised I couldn’t let it continue and that the manipulative abuse she faced happened whether or not I was there and there was nothing I could do. So he lost control of me. That meant he needed to find another way so even though he had regular contact (detail removed by Moderator). Things seemed to have settled for a while but now I’m back at the beginning again and can see he’s planning (detail removed by Moderator). This has nothing to do with what’s best for our daughter. I feel there’s nothing I can do to stop this going on and on. (detail removed by Moderator) He just can’t accept how unreasonable he is. It feels like a life sentence.

[fizzylem]

Its a long process for most of us, try not to beat yourself up balletdancer, his behaviour will stir old emotions, trauma, memories, so it will feel old, familiar, I’ve been here a thousands times before. But, you are further on down the line for sure. I’m (detail removed by Moderator) years out but only now removing myself completely from the contact arrangement, almost there now and this feels great. It wont be able to mess me about anymore. He only uses his parental rights to abuse me with and unfortunately my daughter has suffered as a result. Could you use a relative for drops offs etc or a contact centre? I found that there really is no other option than to remove myself from the contact arrangement so he can no longer mess either of us about. If he doesn’t agree to this in a private agreement I have decided I will make it legal. This really is what is best for my daughter.

You can not reason with someone who is unreasonable hey x

[Sunshine]

Hello both,

I too have been experiencing this. I left and he continued to abuse me about money for my daughter and contact. It then escalated to him texting her filth about me and a few occasions he has had contact and ruined her day by swearing about me calling me a c*** etc to her. (detail removed by moderator). It’s early days but access has stopped. (detail removed by moderator). But am going get peace from him. It’s the access to my daughter now that’s the problem. It’s so hard when they use our children. And my child had seen enough when we were together. Am finding it difficult to handle at the moment. No money off him etc but I know my daughter is better not seeing him, at least for the time being. Feel sad it has resulted in this …

[fizzylem]

Oh sunshine, well done for collecting all the evidence you can. Poor little thing, another man who puts his ego first, second and third before his child’s well being. They don’t deserve them do they. I really hope you get justice (detail removed by moderator) to keep her completely protected. This would really enable you to make a clean break wouldn’t it, start again. This is a difficult time filled with uncertainty and unknowns, court is never where we imagined we’d be is it. Hoping you’ve got plenty of support; you will get past this at some point. You do whatever you need to do to get through it for now x

[Sunshine]

Thanks fizzylem,

I said the other day, I don’t know why am so suprized! He didn’t care about what he said or done in front of my daughter when we lived together so why did I think he would of been a respectable dad during access. Sad times but as you say you just keep going. I left him as I didn’t want the police and social etc involved in her life, it happened anyway! But all services and police are on my side which is great! They know I’ve done everything to protect her to try and keep her safe. I hope I look back in a few years and I get closure. We all deserve that xx

[fizzylem]

You sound a little more buoyant today, hope this is reflective of your day. As awful as it has been to get to this point, and as awful as getting through it all is, reading your post it sounds very hopeful because when it is done you wont have to deal with him again, either of you. I mean it won’t carry on will it on some level because he wont have access. The sun will be shining for you over the other side of the hill. Hang in there for now x*x

[Sunshine]

Thanks fizzylem,

Am trying I think. The great thing about this site is women who are going through the same thing. I have good friends and a good family but no one I know can relate to this at all. I’ve only just started to post on here to help others and express my feelings. It does help I think xx tomorrow is a new day 🙂

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