Continued PTSD/ Fawning/ Anxiety in Dating

[Snyff]

After abusive situations many of us experience PTSD and are left unpicking pawning behaviour or trying to learn how to recognise unhealthy behaviour in potential partners. I often feel like I am stuck being hyper vigilant and then the anxiety sets in. For me a huge part of my life at the moment is trying to unpick these fawning behaviour patterns of people pleasing and assessing if people I am dating are giving off red flags or not and trying to explain my ptsd/ history with out overwhelming them/me.

I find this all very hard and exhausting, I feel unsure about whether my needs are normal needs or specific needs to reassure me after my experiences with men and my fears arising from that.

How do you ground or reassure yourself in these situations?

For me it especially prevalent in the early days of dating where Im learning if I can trust someone, which is frustratingly exactly when I don’t want to go into explaining into my past experiences. Its very hard to be light hearted and early days whilst managing anxieties.

I am on the waiting list for therapy and hope I can work though this more then and make real progress. I do just hope I can get to a normal space one day. I am exhausted by having to exist like this.

[KIP.]

You wont always feel this way. Women’s aid recommend leaving two years to heal before dating again. We are extremely vulnerable and it sound like you’re still vulnerable. I’ve been through the stage you’re at and my advice is to stop dating for a while. Keep building on existing relationships and friendships with people you trust. Get some therapy in place and return to dating when you’re ready and it won’t cause you these anxieties x

[Snyff]

Thanks, Its several years since my major abusive relationship but more like a year and a half since my last emotionally abusive/ manipulative relationship. I appreciate where that advice comes from and will bear it in mind.

[Happyskies]

Hi,

I feel the same. Its about (detail removed by Moderator) years since my unbearable experience but (detail removed by Moderator) years since the last lot of manipulation. I started going out with my current partner almost a year after the last person was unhealthy. I find that I’m completely different to how I was before. I feel like I’m grieving for who I could have been. I’m waiting for emdr therapy but I have episodes of being suspicious of my partner. He really deserves much better behaviour and I can’t stand that I’m like this with him. I isolated myself from everyone so I only have a couple of new friends that I trust, who are doubted about the globe now! I want to put it all behind me and stop feeling ashamed of myself and what I’ve done and the things that happened. How can I accept this and be a better person?

[Author]

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