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I know I still need to see a counsellor to make sense of things and im on a waiting list but until then, there’s still so much that I can’t figure out… am I clutching at straws over things. A friend told me that he will be controlling the new partner like he controlled me. But I didn’t feel controlled by him… he never directly stopped me doing anything or speaking to anyone… he didn’t tell me what to do or not to do. Sometimes I’d stop doing things he didn’t like because I knew it made him feel bad. He didn’t like me posting selfies or pics of myself on Facebook.. but then I could understand why he didn’t like that, there was some people he didn’t like me being friends with (mostly males) and i could understand that too. There was times I told him that I felt uncomfortable him talking to certain girls.. but I wouldnt like to think I was controlling.
Sometimes i was scared to talk to him, friends have told me it’s because I was scared of his reaction and to an extent it was… but that’s not because he’s abusive.. I’m scared to ask my own mum for things sometimes, because I’m not very good at rejection and the idea of asking for help and being rejected makes me anxious. So that’s my own issue where id build tbings up into things they aren’t. Sometimes I’d assume he was going to say no to some thing or that he was going to dump me so he’d get annoyed at how i asked for things or annoyed at my reactions to things and then hed dump me Any way so it was a vicious circle. And I’ve been wondering about sexual abuse too. On on occasions I’ve thought he sexual abused me but then now I think it really is my character that’s so weak and flawed. There was times I wouldn’t say no because I didn’t want to make him unhappy…. but that’s just pathetic isn’t it.. if I didn’t want sex but I did it Any way, that’s my fault not his fault -
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You stated that he did not stop you from doing things or from speaking to people “directly”, even if he did it “indrirectly” that is still control. You can go anywhere and speak to whomever you would like to.
What you described in sexual terms, “does not” constitute rape. But it is unhealthy.
I suggest concentrating on you, self love, get “healthy relationship” ready!
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The indirectness if the control is one of the hardest things to get your head around. I never suspected that my ex controlled me until years into the relationship. It was only after we got engaged and he started forbidding me to do stuff that I began to realise that he was. The stuff that opened my eyes seems frankly stupid. He wouldn’t let me wear a particular dress out of the house. He told me I couldn’t dye my hair. It really doesn’t sound that bad. But it was the tip of an iceberg made of indirect control. He told me he’d never stop me seeing my family, but he made me feel guilty about meeting them without him, and he never wanted to come with me. Or he’d pressure me to overeat because he’d bought me the food and I wasn’t appreciative if I didn’t eat it. I am not a weak woman, but the relentless onslaught which wore down my self confidence left me being controlled in a miriad small ways. I couldn’t go out without telling him where because he worried about me. It was bad. But I couldn’t see it without the benefit of hindsight.
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