Controlling/abusive behaviour but feel sorry for him

[Sunnystars]

My husband is significantly older than me and we met when I was in my (detail removed by moderator). He was charming, confident and made me feel that if I didn’t want him then there were plenty other women waiting to take my place. He started with being very verbally abusive towards me when he had been drinking, sometime taking it a step further and pushing me and hitting me but not hard enough to leave a bruise, it always made me question whether he had hit me or not. If I confronted him about it, it was always my fault and he always denied hitting me. His temper can be awful but he also has a lovely kind side to him, he will do anything for me sometimes he’s too nice if that makes sense. I’ve tried to leave him a couple of times and he point blank refuses to let me leave, he cries, begs, stops me from leaving the house. I have a plan in place to get away (detail removed by moderator) but I have constant guilt knowing what I am going to do and he has no clue his world will be turned upside down. Why do I feel so sorry for him when he’s he’s turned me in to a shadow of my former self?

[KIP.]

He’s counting on you feeling sorry for him. That’s how he’s controlled and manipulated you for years. Please get in touch with your local women’s aid. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Years of programming and brain washing. Google the cycle of abuse x if he wasn’t nice sometimes then you wouldn’t say.

[Sunnystars]

Thank you, I will have a look at that. It’s funny because if it was a friend or family going through this I know exactly what I would be saying to them. I just hate the feeling of hurting somebody else, no matter what they have done to me.

[KIP.]

Thats because you’re a good decent person. He couldn’t care less about hurting you x

[Hetty]

When I was feeling plagued with guilt I read up about trauma bonding recommended on this forum. It helped me see the reality of my abusive marriage. Use your emotional energy on self care and focus your thoughts on number 1. My husband was lovely to me too as others have said but that came at a price – me being an emotional punchbag as and when the chose. I recently left and the relief to be away is amazing. I have no doubt that my husband feels no guilt for me having to leave while he’s quite comfortable in our lovely family home. If anything I pity him. I got all the begging and pleading messages and attempts at guilt trips. Make a list of why you’re leaving and have people around who you can talk to. Let him him carry all the guilt, it’s his doing. Seriously, why should we feel guilty for saying “no more” to abuse. Good luck and keep posting.

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