Controlling Behaviour

[Dragonfly]

I split up from my husband and a few months later got together with the man who ultimately attacked me. (detail removed by moderator) he’s gone 🙂

I now feel my husband is trying to control and manipulate me by using our son. When I call him the call is not answered and after one ring is cut off. I have to text him to ask him to call me back. I ask why he doesn’t accept my calls, he says he doesn’t get calls from me. He would’t let me speak to my son (it was his weekend to have our son, son’s phone was out of charge). My son came home (detail removed by moderator) and said dad wouldn’t let him call me until his phone was charged, he asked to use dad’s phone but was refused.

My husband had been abusive to me previously but not as bad as the next ‘man’. When we split up we got on a lot better. It’s only since I went to the CMS as he wouldn’t pay child maintenance, that he’s turned nasty again. He wants £(detail removed by moderator)  from MY house now. He won’t come to parents evenings anymore but dictates what subjects my son should do etc.

Just before the trial he came to my house, listened to me and I thought he really understood how horrible this was for me, he gave me a hug and wished me luck and left. On the night of the trial I actually needed him, both my son and I were in tears. He ignored my texts, our mutual friend’s messages and calls were also ignored. He hasn’t even asked the outcome of the trial.

When our son is with him, he rarely lets him go out, doesn’t give him any money and doesn’t wash his clothes. (he can’t as he’s already done a washing and it’s a waste of electricity to wash just our sons clothes apparently)!! He won’t let me talk to my son when he’s there. He feeds him rubbish and stares at his laptop all day. He doesn’t take my son anywhere. He dismisses my son when he tries to talk to him, just like he dismisses me a lot of the time.

I hate that my son is in the middle of this. There’s no need for upset, we don’t want to be together so why does he make life difficult again. You see, he’s lost all power over me and the only thing that he knows will irritate me is using our son. I can’t stand it.

[KIP.]

Hi there, I’m just wondering if he’s always been controlling but after we have been with an abuser and survived, our senses are heightened to spot abusers. I may be wrong but since I’ve got out of the abusive relationship I can spot these people miles off. You are also very vulnerable at the moment and Perhaps it’s time to go no contact with him. If he’s that unreliable and is bringing you down then try using a contact book when your son goes from house to house. I’m not sure what age your son is but you can co parent separately. You can’t force him to take an active part in his sons life. You can only be a strong consistent positive role model for your son. Don’t be hard on yourself. Try to keep positive reliable people round you just now until you regain your strength.

[Serenity]

Hi Dragon Fly,

I agree with KIP that you probably weren’t as aware of abuse tactics as you are now and are now seeing your ex husband for what he is.

It could be that he acted concerned to allow you to let him into your private space, but that when you really did need him, was deliberately absent. On this forum, a lot had been said about emotional abuse, as in the deliberate withholding of support, and the deliberate push- pull tactics.

You’re in a stronger place now and can see him forcehat he is, so I would avoid as much contact as possible, and don’t reveal any information about your private life to him. Don’t trust him to come to your aid, and don’t confide in him.

As for your son: I don’t know what age he is, and whether there is a court order in place: could he reduce the hours he goes there?

It is awful. My youngest has started to text me often whilst he is at his dad’s- often about silly things, and I am sure it’s because his dad neglects him whilst he’s there, and has no real concept of his needs.

Carry on making a fuss of your son and attending to all the things which are important in helping a child feel loved and secure- including him having fresh laundry, and you to chat and listen. With you as the loving parent, hopefully he will develop in strength and be able to stand up to his dad.

[Dragonfly]

Yes I agree I am on high alert now and can spot the signs now. I think it really gets my back up now because I recognise it and my emotions and reactions are heightened. Husband was a controller too.

Best not to give him any ammo. It’s my nature to trust people tho. I’m not stupid with it but manipulators are exactly that. So I really need to count to 10 before communicating with him.

[Dragonfly]

My son’s a teenager and has a beautiful personality. He knows what’s going on. Dunno if that’s a good thing or not. We have a great relationship and he’s loved and healthy. That’s all that matters

[EeyoreNoMore]

A few things from me:

– why do you need to speak to your husband?
– why do you need to speak to your son if he’s only away for the weekend?
– why are you expecting your husband to show you support after your next man’s trial?

It sounds to me like you’ve too much emotional attachment still to him. Let him go and if there are any issues with your son, raise them by text or email. If he doesn’t want to speak to you there’s no point pursuing it and causing yourself more stress then necessary.

As long as you are the best mum you can be it’s job done. We cannot make any of these men better fathers and we are not responsible for their actions.

[Dragonfly]

I needed to speak to my son to let him know I would be working later that day. I couldn’t get him on the phone as his phone was out of charge so I phoned the ex husband to check my son had arrived at his place. My son may be a teenager but I still want to make sure he’s arrived at his destination.

I’m most certainly not in any way attached emotionally or any other way to the ex.

On the night of the trial my son needed his dad. As did our mutual friend. Ex husband has actually helped me over the yrs with my illness (detail removed by moderator) he’s not all bad. I just felt he’d reverted back to the not so nice person I married.

[danicali]

OK. I understand where you’re coming from, believe me I do, but… You are going to have to learn to “let go” of a lot of this, because there is nothing you can do about things you mention he’s doing, such as not allowing you to phone your son during HIS contact with him – this is actually a form of contact interference by yourself unfortunately, courts would view it that way, so I know it’s hard but you need to learn to back off a bit and let him have his time with his son… he is under no obligation to allow phone calls between you and your child unless a court order states this clearly. So, you could try to get a court order allowing for reasonable phone contact when the child is at BOTH yours and his (it works both ways according to the courts so if you get phone contact, he will as well), or you could leave it. As your child gets older he will have more control over texting and phoning you as he wishes.

Nothing you wrote is enough for authorities to step in. He may not parent how you parent, but what you’ve described, least to the courts, is just a difference in “parenting styles” between parents. That is something else we all have to learn to live with following a split where kids spend time with both parents. One will always be more strict, the other one more relaxed. Just the way it so often is. And no way am I saying that these men don’t use this as a means of causing upset – they often do. But also some of it is just him being a different type of parent…

I had to deal with my ex not washing our son properly when our son was much younger, then returning him to my care filthy where first thing we needed to do was rush home and have a bath… including on Mother’s Day just to spite me… but these stupid things will quickly become part of the past and remember schools get involved if they come to school filthy so your ex will have to be careful as it’s not just YOU who sees this sort of thing…

You mentioned that he no longer attends parent’s evenings – that is actually a positive because with my own ex, he has obsessively attended EVERYTHING to the point I am sidelined, shut out, etc. so view this as a positive for yourself. It also shows he’s not quite as obsessive as some of these other men. Some of these men, including my ex, take over virtually everything, they are always there, always

Regarding child maintenance… be careful how far you push for this, because some of these men use child maintenance as an incentive to go for custody, prodded on by their new partners, so they don’t have to pay maintenance. If you can afford to live without his “help”, then try to do this or at least on less. And remember, the more overnights your child spends with dad, the more he can reduce CM. Once it gets to half and half, if it does, he no longer has to pay.

I hope I’ve helped with the comments I’ve made. I have been where you are at and I know full well how frustrating this all is, but there is so much you just cannot do anything about, so let it go… use your energy for the bigger battles x

[Serenity]

I think, Dragonfly, you sense a lot of neglect and you are concerned for your son and feel protective.

I think you should be able to reach your son if he’s at contacts with his dad, if it’s important. Maybe ask your son to ensure his phone is charged so you can reach him in an emergency, or to relay something important.

I think if you embody care for him when he’s with you, they will give him the feeling of self worth to ask for what he needs when he’s at his dad’s or to stand up to him if ever nevesssry.

It’s hard, and we worry about them being with their dad if we feel they aren’t being cared for properly, but all we can do is focus on building them up when they are with us and teach them to value themselves and find their own voice.

[Serenity]

PS Just wanted to say that I completely understand where you’re coming from, and ylu should trust your gut- I am sure that these are all covert abuse tactics by your ex: just believe that you are stronger then your ex or any legal
system, merely by being you and living your truth. You can engender healthy self respect in your son simply by loving him. 💛

[Dragonfly]

My ex is an a**e. I’ve known him for (detail removed by moderator). Thanks for the positive responses. I’m done with negativity.

To be clear. There is no love lost between us. I could not give one jot about the man. I am not hanging on, hoping for some magical enlightenment. I just don’t see the point in causing upset which is exactly what he does, for no reason. There is no court order in place, no impending doom. The point of my post was to say how I felt about a very avoidable situation.

I’m not going to explain myself anymore because it now feels like I’m justifying why we contact each other. We have to!!!

[Serenity]

Big hugs, Dragonfly. I know exactly what you meant x

[White Rose]

I sympathise with you dragonfly I have to have open chanel of communication with ex and its blooming hard!!
I’m lucky in that it will end shortly and I can block him totally.
Hope things get easier for you.
I’d nag your son about keeping his phone charged – so infuriating yet if ours are flat and they need us it’s the end of the world! xx

[Dragonfly]

Thanks guys. Sorry I was a bit p’d off last night with some comments. Nothing’s straight forward in life. I really do appreciate your understanding

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