Controlling me and I feel bad

[Robin]

He has blocked me from attending an evening course, even though the kids are in bed at that time. He said it was because I didn’t tell him about it, which I’m sure I did. He went out so I couldn’t go. When he came back he said it’s all about me and the kids, there’s never anytime for him, that there’s no intimacy. He’s right, there isn’t. I told him that because of the way he speaks to me it makes me feel upset and I don’t want to. He’s telling me that I have a problem and that I should see my solicitor (I don’t have one!) as he’s done with me.

I feel like he’s making out it’s my fault. I’ve asked so many times for him not to shout and swear at me but he seems to think he’s justified. I have such mixed emotions now. It feels like he’s trying to control what I do and stop me going out because he’s in all the time. I actually don’t go out that often.

I’m feeling sick of what lies ahead. I thought I wanted this and now I don’t know, he seemed relatively calm when he was speaking to me about it. I don’t want my kids to grow up in a house where there’s lots of shouting but I’m worried about moving school, area and being on my own. I need some wise words please.

[KIP.]

Typical abuser behaviour to hold you back from achieving your full potential. I can only say I stayed for decades waiting for the right time, hoping he would change, making excuses why I couldn’t go. From the dog to the kids to the finances. Broken mental health. I’m now in my (detail removed by moderator) and only recently got rid of him. Don’t make my mistake. There is lots of help out there now which wasn’t there when I was younger. Grab it with both hands. Give your children the peaceful loving home they deserve and you deserve too x you truely do not have to be unhappy, there is a wonderful world out there without him. Even though he’s brainwashed you into thinking otherwise x

[Tiffany]

I spent years thinking that if I could only explain things in a way that he could understand that our relationship would improve. What actually happened was that I kept meeting him halfway, only with his standpoint never moving. I realise now that nothing I could have said would have changed things as he felt entitled to abuse me, and knew that his behaviour was hurtful. I thought that leaving and moving were going to be the hardest things, but actually they have been much easier than living with an abuser. Based on what you have said it sounds like your partner is controlling you, and also gaslighting you, making you feel like you are going mad because he is adamant that you didn’t tell you something that you remember vividly happening. It’s a horrible trick that batters your self confidence. I would be moving. Kids will adapt to a new school, better that than growing up in an abusive environment.

[SunshineRainflower]

Yes a typical abuser trying to stop you from going out then blaming you for everything. Don’t believe a word of it. It is awful that he is trying to stop you from enjoying hobbies and a social life whilst guilt tripping you into sex after swearing and shouting at you, no wonder you don’t want to be intimate with him.

I have recently moved into my own place and although it has been emotional, lonely and scary at times, it is better than being controlled, monitored, bullied and abused. Lots of women go it alone and in time their confidence builds and they thrive. It is bound to be daunting because it is different to what you know.

[Author]

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