This topic contains 12 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Camel 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #86193
     Teehee 
    Participant

    Hello, I’m new to this forum. I’m unsure if what I’m experiencing at home is emotional abuse and I’m unsure if there are signs it could turn into physical abuse. I’ve been married a few months but dated my husband for (detail removed by moderator) years. He seems agitated easily with the most recent bout of anger (detail removed by moderator) ago when he came in the house (detail removed by moderator). He was visibly angry then proceeded to berate me about why I was making juice at that hour. This escalated when I told him I have a right to make juice without him telling me when or how. Eventually he slammed the palm of his hand into the cabinet in anger yelling at me. It was shocking and scared me that he could be that angry with me over juice.

    He left the room but came back 10 minutes later to sarcastically apologize for coming into the house with an angry countenance, but the sarcasm makes me believe he didn’t want to apologize and maybe didnt really mean it but was in an effort to get me to not be so upset with him.

    This isn’t the first time this has happened and it’s always over things that are insignificant. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’m starting to get anxiety about when he comes home that I have everything in order and tasks done that he would expect. I don’t like living like that; I want to be me and do things the way I do them in the order and time in which I choose.

    What’s going on? Is it me? I also need to clarify that he is around (detail removed by moderator) years sober though he has not been attending meetings regularly like he use to and this may be contributing to his bouts of anger. I don’t know. There really isn’t an excuse. He doesn’t treat his daughter the way he treats me. Its all very confusing. I left one alcoholic husband of(detail removed by moderator) years who would gaslight me and sexually assaulted me twice while drunk to this. What the heck!! I am a magnet for dysfunction.

    Help!

  • #86201
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi and welcome to the forum. You are not a magnet for these men as such that you are in any way you blame. What you are is a living kind soul who treats people with compassion and had enough love for those you care for to go around. That is what these men hate. They need to be the centre of your world with no attention going anywhere or to anyone else. You are right to feel this way, this is your inner voice telling you what he’s doing is unacceptable behaviour. Don’t be afraid to stand up to him, the more he is allowed to get away with this behaviour without any consequences the more he will think his behaviour is normal. I’m only recently out from more than 2 decades with my oh. I took the blame for his behaviour, found other reasons why he behaved the way he did. I finally admitted to myself late last year that my oh (I rarely use the term husband, it sticks in my craw) abuses me. It took meticulous planning to escape, I now live in a wee flat provided through my local WA, I am finally finding peace, (but only when I have no contact with him) circumstances dictate I have some contact for now but when that avenue is done, then I will cut all contact. Nothing they say or do after you leave, shows they can change. Reading the after behaviour from so many women on here, it’s like they all go to the same school on how to behave for that as well, they are so predictable, I struggle not to laugh out loud at him. Mine is at the he’s so ill stage or how he was very nearly at A&E, aye right then. Fae soneine who’s never go before cos he wouldn’t sit that long to be arm to now going for the leeway we thing. It’s all done to make you drop your guard, believe their lies.
    Being (detail removed by moderator) years sober is a great achievement, but his behaviour had nothing at all to do with drink or not drinking. His behaviour is that of an abuser who will blame anything/anyone rather than take responsibility for their actions. If they do and sometimes they do summit they’ve abused you but it doesn’t last, sooner or later that enlightenment changes to blaming you or saying it takes two. Had anyone suggested some reading material to you. Lundy Bancroft is a good start, Why does he do that should be part of every police officers training, every judges reading material. Patricia Evan’s is also a very good author.
    Keep posting and reading others posts. Have you reached out to your doctor yet or women’s aid. Once the abuse is no longer a secret, it gets easier to talk about it.
    Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

  • #86203
     Escapee 
    Participant

    Hey Teehee,

    You’re not imagining things, it’s not you, he is behaving like a complete arse.
    I can’t say if it’ll turn into full on physical violence as my husband is the emotional and psychological type. Someone on here said if it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right and I thought that was a brilliant way to weigh things up when we feel so confused.
    Have you spoken to anyone at WA yet, they will listen and advise – I’m so impressed and grateful for the help they are giving me.
    And even though he hasn’t hurt you physically yet, his behaviour is violent.

    Xx

    • #86205
       Teehee 
      Participant

      IWANTMEBACK, you said something interesting, that these men want to be the center of our attention. This triggered memories of trying to talk on the phone and how he constantly interrupts me with questions that could wait until I’m off the phone. It’s actually very irritating when I’m trying to have a conversation.

      I have stood up to him, but when I do it escalates his anger. (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago he was so enraged over nothing that I boiled over screaming and crying like a maniac. That’s not me. I’ve never done such a thing. I was ready to leave; I didn’t want to be anywhere near him but he calmed himself and was shocked I responded that way trying to get me to calm down. He said he was shocked his words could make me so upset and turn purple. It was awful. It took me two days to come down from that episode yet I still feel the sting of his words, anger, and hate filled look toward me. And again, over silliness.

      I do have the book by Bancroft and I’m in chapter 1.

    • #86206
       Teehee 
      Participant

      Escapee, I don’t know what WA is because I live in the (country removed by moderator).

      Yes, he is violent. I’m still shocked that someone who claims they love me and I’m their life can treat me with such rage and hatred. I could understand being mad at me for going to a casino and spending all our money gambling, or if I cheated, but literally it is insignificant things that set him off. I can see on his face when things are going to turn bad.

  • #86208
     Teehee 
    Participant

    I did call a local domestic hotline. I know that he loves me so it feels like I’m betraying him and our marriage doing it. Perhaps I’m blowing things out of proportion. I don’t know.

  • #86213
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    You are not betraying him teehee. If you found the strength to call a DA hotline then you know how he is treating you is not right. In my experience, this sort of anger does escalate into physical violence. Mine started with pushing me against a door and I grazed my hand because he didn’t want me going to a particular class. He was apparently mortified and apologetic so I let it go. X years later I’m in the ER getting my head stitched back together. I’m not saying every abuser would escalate like that, but how you describe your experience reminds me of mine. He also drove me to a screaming indignant wreck because his b**w ups over seemingly nothing drove me to distraction. Your gut instinct is usually right. Xx

  • #86214
     Escapee 
    Participant

    WA = women’s aid; it’s a brilliant Domestic Abuse charity in the UK. (In my ignorance it may be in other countries too but I’m new to this so only know a few places to get help).

    Sorry I made an assumption Teehee xx

  • #86215
     Teehee 
    Participant

    HunkyDory,

    Thank you for your reply. I’ve been going over in my head things I remember him saying that previously I hadn’t given any real thought to. For instance, he recently told me if I didn’t stop talking he’d make me eat a power drill sitting between us in the car. This fuss was over miscommunication regarding whether a door had been shut or not. There have been other recent arguments, always over dumb things, that he warns me to stop or else. I’m now worried that the “or else” means he will hurt me.

    The evening not long ago I flipped my wig crying and screaming, when he tried to calm me I flinched at his touch. With teary eyes he said that it hurt him deeply that I flinched as if he would hit me. Well, he scared me and at this point I don’t know what all he is capable of; maybe they are just threats that will never amount to anything but words and then maybe not and I should be worried.

  • #86245
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    It’s the most mind-numbing insignificant trivialities that usually set them off. And we don’t get it, because we are normal, loving, calm and rational people – They are not. Your story of the power drill… the last threat of what he said he’d to to me was just disgusting and I’d got to the point where I wouldn’t put it past him and that’s when I told myself I couldn’t stay in this relationship for my own safety (and sanity)’s sake. I guess you just don’t know if they are just threats, but I wasn’t prepared to stay and find out. Hugs & strength to you xx

  • #86246
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi teehee, your body is automatically reacting to his abuse even if your brain hasn’t cottoned on and you haven’t admitted to yourself what it is. The body knows, which is also an ebook i downloaded, it reacts even before we’ve processed what’s going on. How dare he say he’s hurt by your reaction. His verbal assaults are as bad if not worse than physical assaults. Words don’t heal, bruises do. How are we to know they won’t carry out their threats. When you are faced with an angry man in front of you, screaming abusive words and what he’s going to do if you don’t shut up, do as you’re told, you believe in that moment he’s perfectly capable of carrying those threats out. Have you managed to speak to a women’s aid worker yet. Please try, I know it’s scary but hand in heart they won’t push you to do anything you don’t want to. But you know you can’t go on like this. These men don’t change, once you show him you are no longer accepting his behaviour it will be a wake up call to him, that’s when you need outside help. Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
    Love and light IWMB 💞💞

  • #86272
     Teehee 
    Participant

    IWMB, we’ve never had tension like this for this many days in a row. He came home (detail removed by moderator) with a list of questions in a 30 minute of less amount of time:

    (Detail removed by moderator)

    After that, we had to pick his daughter up from her evening school activities. He drove over the speed limit, didn’t speak, drove with visibly narrowed eyes, and I think was trying to scare me with his driving. All done in silence.

    When we got home, I was getting myself ready for an Alanon meeting. Before I left, I asked him tearfully what was wrong and he sarcastically said, “nothing, but there can be if you there to be”. I left in tears.

    When I got home and readied for bed, he sat at the end of the bed and calmly said, as if he was being totally rational and just explaining a truth, that, “(Detail removed by moderator)”.

    We’ve only been married a few months and I’m to the point I have a hard time looking at him. I don’t know who he is.

    I hope to hear from an advocate today. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want another failed marriage if it can be fixed.

    My bowels are screwed up from all of the anxiety. And, as if today were normal (its already started off rough because I didn’t meet his morning expectation), he texts me current events as if everything is right in the world between us.

  • #86311
     Camel 
    Participant

    Hi Teehee

    Abusers mess with our reality, leave us confused and doubting ourselves. So I’m pleased that you’ve felt able to reach out for help and have found it here.

    You say ‘I know that he loves me so it feels like I’m betraying him and our marriage.’ Never forget that ‘love’ isn’t just a word. ‘Love’ is an action – in fact, a measureless series of actions. Does he really make you feel loved?

    Please don’t ever think that you’re a failure for getting out of an abusive marriage/relationship. Who cares if it’s happened before or it’s not your first failed marriage? Really, ask yourself, would you expect a dear friend or relation to stay a minute longer? Please know that you’re not ‘betraying’ him. What does that word even mean anyway?

    You say something interesting (I’m paraphrasing) that if you’d blown all the money gambling or had cheated on him then you would accept his violence and aggression. No! It wouldn’t be right, even then. We all have the right to feel disappointment and anger at other’s behaviour but none of us has the right to dole out fear and pain.

    Apparently you’re still in the honeymoon period yet already his abuse has escalated beyond all reasonable endurance. You have done nothing wrong except love this man. There is nothing you can change about your own behaviour that will transform him into a rational, loving and caring partner.

    It’s important advice to pay attention to your physical reactions, whether he’s there or not. Your body is reacting to the ever-present threat, even as your brain is trying to rationalise everything. Your body isn’t faking a racing pulse, palpitations, headaches, sweating, feeling faint, holding your breath, dry mouth, jumpiness, inability to relax.

    If you can do so without any risk of discovery, document every instance of abuse. Don’t stop to analyse whether you think it’s ‘bad enough’ to merit recording. Take date stamped photos of bruising and injuries if he has turned violent. Refuse to get in the car with him when he’s angry and consider reporting dangerous and erratic behaviour, especially if his daughter’s safety is at stake.

    Make sure you get all the help you can from agencies in your country. If you decide to leave, understand that a break up with an abuser will never be normal as the abuser’s thinking processes are not normal. Get yourself away safely and covertly.

    Then maybe take some time out to consider why you routinely ignore all the red flags – in this and previous relationships. Do not beat yourself up about this. Every single one of us on this forum has done the exact same ignoring. If we’d all paid heed then none of us would need to post here.

    Keep safe x

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