Controlling mother

[Serenity]

My ex didn’t get on with my mum, because they both have strong personalities and locked horns.

My mum is a complex character. She does things for people, but then you realise that she thinks that this entitles her to micromanage their lives and – at times- be unkind.

When I was divorcing, she offered to help me buy my ex out so I could stay with the kids in the family home, with the intention of me paying her back when the house is eventually sold.

I remember telling her thank you, yes, but if that happens, it doesn’t mean you can control my future.

She ‘behaved’ for a while, but she has skyky and gradually snuck her way back in. I’ve realised that she has managed to get to the point where she texts me every day, dishing out orders to take action on a, b or c. It’s like I am her minion. The texts start at 8am. She is ordering me to do certain things and texts until I have replied to confirm these actions are done!

It’s mostly done under the guise of being ‘helpful.’ But the fact is, it is bullying and she is not allowing me space and my rights as an adult to make my own choices and to live my life on my terms.

It reminds me of my ex. He tried to control every detail of my life. I feel angry. I got divorced to gain freedom: now I feel trapped all over again.

I saw red the other day. I was driving miles to an appointment, caught in busy traffic, and she was texting me, with one word rude texts- as if badgering mr to ‘obey’ her.

My ex used to text me in the day, every day, even when I was busy at work. Yet when he came home in the evening, he was uninterested and bad tempered. It was like he wanted to keep tabs on me from afar. I feel so triggered. Why do people think they can do this to me? I am virtually a middle aged adult, with capabilities and ideas of my own. My ex tried to infantilise me so he could gain all the monopoly and power. I am not an infant- I am an adult, for goodness sake, and want to be in charge of my own life. Yet like my ex, my own mother thinks that she can take control of each of my 24 hour day by texting orders from dawn.

These orders, I might add, mostly relate to my own life. So she is basically trying to tell me how to live my own life.

I told her that she was being controlling and invading my boundaries, that I was x years old and it was completely unhealthy for her to act in this way. I told her that I wish I had never let her help me financially, because she’s gone back on her promise and tried to monopolise my life.

To put it into context, this is a woman who onbthe one hand can be financially generous, but the flip side of the coin is that she can become quite unkind if things don’t go her way, and she wants to be the main person in everyone life and the one who makes all the decisions. She was very unkind to my eldest son as he was growing up. She tried to make out he was a problem, just because he stood up to her. I had to tell her to stop bullying him. She also tried to invade my marriage. She also tried to sabotage my career development by creating drama when I had essay deadlines on my college course etc- transparent sabotage. My ex did the same.

This is also the woman who kicked me when I was at my very lowest, in a way that I could not comprehend. She became very emotionally cruel.

Was I rude to her? I believe I was just assertive. I wish I had never let her help me. If I helped my boys out, I would never dream that gave me the right to control their movements or choices.

[KIP.]

Your last paragraph answers your own question. No you weren’t rude and the fact that standing up to her brings its own anxiety speaks volumes. You should be able to get your point of view across without this kind of aftershock. This aftershock I think comes from dealing with an abusive personality. My sister always says you’re spending too much time with a person when they make you feel like this so time to put some space between you. My mum also loaned me money. She made a comment about it recently and I told her if she wanted or needed that money back at any time I would sell the house and give it to her. And I would. She quickly backed down. I won’t be beholden to anyone again. I think we are still trapped in the trauma of abuse. I’m glad you haven’t inherited those traits from her. We can’t choose our family x

[Serenity]

Thank you, KIP.

I keep asking myself if I could have dealt with it any differently, but I don’t think I could have.

I really appreciate the fact my mum helped me, and wish she could have just left it at that. It’s hard, as we love our parents and worry about them as they get older- but we need to protect ourselves too x

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