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When we’ve been at the receiving end of abuse from a dominant, controlling and manipulative person, we feel traumatised. The abuser features in our mind as an evil power figure. We feel destroyed. And this is all very real. They have exerted undue power over us and hurt us badly. The damage is hard to get over.
I’ve recently begun to look at an adjective of my experience which is helping me quite a bit. Yes, they may have managed to exert undue power, and we may spend many hours trying to understand the ‘hidden’ part of themselves which has made them act in this way ( which I think is a perfectly natural stage of trying to make sense of our experience), but this can cloud something very true about our abuser: the fact that must often, these characters are actually downright boring.
These are people who like control, and they like fixed regimes. They often have interests that they are obsessed about, and have strong likes and dislikes: anything that isn’t their interest is deemed worthless and pointless by them. They often have a very narrow life, and are not open to trying new things. They don’t have an open and lively mind, but a narrow and prejudiced one.
They are often horrible company on trips and on holidays which have not been organised by them, or where they are supposed to consider others. This is because they aren’t in control, and don’t like being told what to do or how to spend their time. And on holidays, you’re meant to enjoy yourself: they are basically bad-tempered people, and find being ‘happy’ too much like hard work. They are basically antisocial people. Though they might need people for appearance’ sake or to do things for them, they don’t actually enjoy being with people as equals, or enjoy spending time with them. They don’t want to learn from others or expand their understanding- as they think they know it all already!
I gave up playing board games with my ex in the early days: he’d turn it into another opportunity to show me how clever he was compared to me in his eyes. They don’t know how to have a lighthearted time: everything is over serious and seen as a competition by them.
This is true even if they put on a cheerful public mask. The real them is inflexible and controlling, as we have had the misfortune to find out. They want their dinner cooked in a certain way, at a certain time, or else we are punished. They can’t just relax and have a good time. Even their ‘jokes’ are laced with venom!
One thing that makes us so angry is that, when we first met them, they pretended to be so adventurous and exciting. Very soon, the self-pity and manipulative yes tocs began to rear their ugly head. We found that they weren’t energetic- only for things that they were obsessed with or which suited their own purpose. Otherwise, they were unmotivated and lazy.
My ex wasn’t the exciting and passionate person he pretended to be. I’ve realised he was someone who wanted to confine me, and operated according to a very fixed way of relating to himself and others. Life with him wasn’t a growth experience: it was a exhausting, painful but also repetitive and therefore dull experience. He tried to create drama so so I would stay with him out of trauma and self-blame – because he had nothing in himself to offer that was attractive enough to make me stay! He was trying to divert my attention from seeing the truth- that he was a shallow and actually very boring and small-minded person.
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So true!
I’d forgot about the board games – such a waste of time with him. He hated losing -worse than a toddler!!! My daughter would only play with me so lots of the board games she’d like weren’t much fun so we played cards or yhatzee or uno mostly. He’d never “let her win” when she was little and jsed to delight in thrashimg her at monopoly or chess. All it did was wear her down.
I agree about holidays too – his terms his choice or we’re not going and if you don’t enjoy it watch out Mr Nasty came out or Mr Sulk. So often we’d plan a trip while we were away but he’d ruin it by “going the long way round” so we had no time at the venue having spent hours in the car, or go on a day when things were shut as he didn’t want to go in tbe first place.
I have felt more relaxed and happy in my own skin since I left and my daughter and I had a fantastic holiday in the summer doing what we wanted to do at our pace and we didn’t have to “do” all the tourist stuff. We sat and ate (and drank!) and people watched as well as seeing the sights and we enjoyed it.
I will not be confined or controlled or defined by any one ever again. I’m me again and proud of who I am! I’m learning how to live again and although I’m still not quite “right” after what the world has thrown at me I’m getting better at being happy! -
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Oh wow. You’ve just made me smile on a day where I really haven’t felt like smiling. Thank you Serenity.
It’s so not just the moods. It’s the fact they insist on doing the things they want to do, which no one else thinks are fun – then sulks when we don’t enjoy it like he thinks we should!
That people-watching holiday sounds wonderful White Rose. You’ve given me something to aim for.
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Yes, that is so true about them being very boring people, I remember feeling after the first date that he was ‘boring’ but I felt so GUILTY that I thought that and tried to push it out of my head and told myself off for thinking it. I really need to stop doing this and instead always honour my own observations on people.
My ex seemed to like that I had a lot of interests, hobbies and skills and asked me a lot about them at first which I liked. But I remember feeling guilty (again) thinking that he could learn lots from me but I couldn’t really see what I could learn from him, because all he seemed to have done since leaving education was one travelling trip then just work work work in what I considered pretty boring, uninspiring but decently paid jobs. Again I felt guilty for thinking this and told myself off. I thought he was dependable and reliable and that he could teach me to be more stable like that but he was really just extremely mean, tight and boring. He never shared his financial success with me – never bought me a drink or meal out even though I was out of work whereas I shared my hobbies and interests with him and introduced him to new things and made him tailor-made, thoughtful gifts.
Looking back there were a lot of hints that in the future he would have liked me to stay in his house doing his housework while he went out. Once he suggested that I stay in his house while he went out to do his fitness hobby. I remember thinking it sounded depressing being stuck in his house and he must have meant that I’d be locked in because I didn’t have a key? He also ‘joked’ about me doing his hoovering, washing, seemed resentful if I suggested we cook together at my house rather than I cook and he sits on my sofa (whilst texting other women I believe). Hearing some of the other stories on here, I think what I saw were the early signs of what would have been a really depressing, miserable relationship where I would have been trapped in a house doing endless housework raising his children that he impregnated me with without asking if I was ready for a child (because he had started to act strangely about condoms saying he had run out/was too embarassed to buy any but would then ‘find them’ when I refused to have unprotected sex).
It was a definite red flag in hindsight that his life had been so empty, boring, weirdly uneventful – he never told me about significant exes, life events, trips, nothing. He was like a blank canvas, which seemed great at first – a ready to go boyfriend with no baggage, but actually I imagine there was a steady stream of traumatised exes and other women he fooled in his past. He always seemed to get tetchy and angry when I asked him about his past and any exes.
Like your exes he was also weirdly suddenly defensive about the tiniest of things, so I remember thinking I needed to be careful about what I said as I never knew if he would overreact and get offended if I offered to help with something for example.
I have this theory that my ex is one of those awful online trolls. He was constantly on a certain website and said it was one of his ‘hobbies’ and once showed me this awful misogynistic joke but eerily tried to gaslight me into thinking it was the opposite of misogynistic.
I wish I knew ‘the definite truth’ about him because all my doubts, suspicions and speculations make it so hard to get rid of feeling guilty, part of me still thinks ‘maybe I am wrong, maybe he was a nice man and you have got him wrong’ but most of the time I can see that he wasn’t a good person and did a lot of cruel things to me.
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Serenity you have described my daughters dad down to a T. He is all of the above. When we first got together we would go for walks, go out for dinner, little shopping trips even went on our first mini break together. I love doing new things and he made out like he did too. Months after though all he wanted to do was sit indoors or smoke and watch what HE wanted to watch. He absolutely loathes being told what to do. Despises it. When I was pregnant I couldn’t understand why there was such a change in him going from this bubbly outgoing person to someone who wasn’t moody and wanted to stay in bed all day. He blamed it on depression which would make sense But he had no problem walking over (detail removed by Moderator) miles to go and see his friends and family everyday leaving me
At home not offering once if I wanted to join him. We very rarely did things together and if we did plan something he would wreck it either by getting up late or just being foul to me. He really doesn’t like compromise and he is very rigid in his beliefs so much so that he takes it as a personal attack on him if you disagree. It was very confusing to find out that I had been sucked in by his act. -
Hi,
So glad to see your post and the other ladies’ replies. I’ve been with my husband a very long time and had noticed all the things you’ve pointed out, but just thought he was very stuck in his way and stubborn and lacking empathy. I had no idea it was abuse.
He used to take me out for meals, to clubs and bars, paid for skiing holidays, weekends away etc in the beginning. Whenever I planned an outing it would be a disaster! He would either get so drunk, do highly embarrassing things so that I was totally humiliated, then fall asleep snoring loudly. He is loud at the best of times (he’s hard of hearing), but is an exhibitionist too. I took him out for a meal for his birthday when we first met. He was drunk before we even sat down. The candle on the table went out because he was messing around with it, so he asked around the other diners for a lighter, lit his rolled up serviette to relight the candle, burnt his fingers so dropped the serviette onto the candle which ignited. Large flames and billowing black smoke then started rising up and a couple of waiters had to come and rescue us. As if that’s not bad enough, he started talking really loudly about the other diners and very embarrassing, suggestive and inappropriate remarks. The more I tried to quiet him, the louder he got. Then when the dessert arrived he scooped up a spoonful of ice cream and flicked across the table at me, landing right in my cleavage. Everyone in the restaurant was watching and talking about us. I was mortified. I’ve always been a shy introvert. I asked for the bill, which was rather steep on student salary, and bundled him out to my car as quickly as I could. I tried to end the relationship after, but he claimed not to remember any of it and made me feel so guilty I gave him another chance. He was always doing things like that, then blamed it all on me saying he didn’t usually drink and I was a bad influence on him. But if I tried to encourage him not to drink too much he’d do the opposite. He was always like that. If I told him I didn’t like something he would do it all the more. He refused to be ‘controlled’ as he put it, no matter how politely I asked. I just thought he was a control freak because he was insecure. I never imagined he was a n**********c abuser or that it was illegal to coerce people into doing things against their will. People have been doing that all my life.
Still I’m older and wiser now. Hopefully life will improve in a few months after I’ve left this toxic, controlling environment.😊 -
Serenity, I wonder whether our exes are the same person! My ex had a highly specialised, abstract and notoriously difficult area of research which he was totally obsessed by. He admitted that this was why he was so successful. If he was awake he was either working on it, surfing news sites or watching TV. He had the same routine everyday, apart from weekends when he had a different, but also fixed routine.
He dismissed anything that wasn’t in his narrow field of four primary interests as worthless. When we met he knew what my interests were and even appeared interested by talking about them and asking questions. As soon as I was hooked his real opinions were revealed.
I could predict what he was going to say and do at any moment with over 98% accuracy. The 2% were those occasions when he unexpectedly flipped from nice/neutral to abusive. Most of the time I could predict this, but I suppose he needed to keep me unstable so would occasionally throw in a wild card.
I like stability, I have a routine myself, I also like predictability, but there is a limit. We travelled a lot but it didn’t matter which country we were in or the time of year, his routine stayed the same as at home.
Boring. Absolutely. -
My ex talked endlessly about all his hobbies that he had done as a teenager and how much he had loved them. He made out that he was this active exciting person with loads of interests. In all our years together he never planned a date that wasn’t centred around food or television/cinema. He spent all his time on his laptop or his phone, and never did anything active or exciting unless I had planned it, in which case he complained that the activity was boring, or not his thing, or that he enjoyed it with his friends back home but not with me. I suspect now that he always had few hobbies and was always inactive.
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It is funny reading how a lot of these men are tv addicts/couch potatoes. My ex always wanted me to go round to his house where we would sit on the sofa all evening with the tv on. At first I found it cosy but after I while I started to feel depressed. He almost always had his favourite tv show which is really sexist and I absolutely hated it. I like some tv/films and sofa time but not every single night. I asked if we could sometimes switch the tv off and he got angry and defensive saying he was ‘offended.’ He said he was tired after work and just wanted to relax. He was also always on his phone with it tilted away from me, checking websites and probably texting other women but because I am honest and trusting I literally had no idea he could be doing this and didn’t bat an eyelid at it, I just found it strange that he was protective of his phone! I have a feeling that one of his ‘hobbies’ is ‘being on dating sites’ where he just cruises for new women to fool every day, sort of like having a big fishing net constantly out to see what he can snare. He did have two fitness hobbies, but I always found them boring too, he just didn’t seem all that interested in many things or have an inquisitive mind.
He did make some effort after I suggested we do more things and we went to the cinema a few times, but it is hard to know how much of this was him just playing the perfect boyfriend act in between the abuse. The relationship certainly contrasted with other, healthier previous relationships where I had done more fun things with my exes like going to gigs, comedy shows, folk nights, ice skating etc. With my most recent ex I remember thinking we were like an old married couple after just a few weeks. I felt so guilty that I found his lifestyle depressing – working 9 to 5 in a dull job then sat in front of the tv most nights. To me a life like that is like waiting for death. I’ve found it hard to get back to doing what I enjoy since ending things as I got used to his routine instead but slowly working on it each day.
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These stories make interesting reading as I am now looking at other things in my relationship in a different way. He always has to win everything. Everything is a competition and he always has to come out on top. He cannot bear to lose anything. Also he also has no real aspirations from life. He has now lost his job and spends half the day in bed and then sits up half the night watching telly. He wont go anywhere that I suggest. Everything has to be his idea or he sabotages everything. We havent even had a holiday together in the few years that we have been together. He talks about going away but never does anything about it. He hasnt even got a passport. He sits back and complains about how bad life has been to him and that he is surrounded by horrible people but he does nothing to improve his life. He sits around watching telly, looking at you tube videos. I now realise he falls into every single stereotype of an abuser even down to his laziness. He does nothing with his days at all.!!
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There were only two things that my ex wasn’t lazy about: his special reseacrh interest and making sure that I was kept down and controlled.
He was even lazy with sex. Most of the time it was what I heard described as ‘starfish’. I did all the work and he just lay there. That is if he could even be interested. He spent the last year refusing. -
There is nothing to them , they have no real personality, mine has no hobbies whatsoever, just work or watches TV, Ive even really noticed lately that his catch phrase are always the same, like he has a pre recording in him, uses the same old things to try to upset me or if I complain about something, he will a short time after accuse me of the same thing, he mimics me,
He has no conversation skills we an go out and if I don’t make conversation its silence, if I say to him he never talks he will say what do you want me to say, they only have a false persona there is no depth to them at all.
Mine does not know how to behave in company, he acts silly or makes unkind jokes about other people or put downs.
He has no friends only work aquaintances, his whole family could not string more than a couple of words together to each other, no relationship at all.
He will belittle my opinions views on anything and everything yet will use them to speak to others about as if its his own opinion, when it suits
His Dad was the same no conversation skills he used to hear what someone else said then repeat it as though it was his idea, a friend once met him and said he was like a cardboard statue, no substance, all they say and do is learned from others esp
espcially us -
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I’ve only just found this post, but omg Serenity you’ve hit the nail on the head!
I’ve had two abusive relationships and both my exes were exactly as you’ve described, especially about having interests they were obsessive about. In the beginning everything was exciting and fun; we went to lots of places and did lots of things. With ex number 2 the fun phase lasted several months, but after only a few weeks with ex number 1, all he wanted to do was go to the pub and drink. It was the same whenever we went on holiday because all he did was either sit in a pub drinking or outside our accommodation drinking. And he couldn’t understand why our kids (when they came along) got so bored when we were on holiday. As for ex number 2, we never went on holiday in the entire time we were together – the longest we ever went away for was for a long weekend.
As for being couch potatoes, ex number 1 was either in the pub drinking or in front of the TV drinking while ex number 2 was either stuck in front of the computer or the TV. Oh yes and they both loved their afternoon nap when they weren’t in work.
When I first met ex number 1 he was full of stories about his active outdoor lifestyle of sailing, mountaineering, fell walking, cycling and sky diving etc., but he wasn’t actually doing any of those things when we met, and years later his ex before me said he’d told her the same things, but it turned out none of it was true – he was just telling stories to make himself sound interesting.
Ex number 2 said he liked me because I was interesting! Can’t help wondering if these men are attracted to us because we have the qualities they lack but would like to have. Boring indeed! Xx
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You are so right!That cheered me up a bit!
My father used to throw the bat because Mum beat him at table tennis and my ex used to GLOAT if he won me at Scrabble. My Dad was such a misery on holiday; he was either showing off jumping around on a moat or castle ruins, or sulking outside a cafe because he wouldn’t come in and have tea in case he had to pay.
I used to dread outings.
My two exes got worse and worse oh holidays. Going off for long sulking walks so I had to wait hours was a common one.
Or moaning they are hungry but refusing to pay for a meal.
Neither of my exes had any friends and they made sure I didn’t either.
My ex husband thought it was great I had interests at first. Then he wouldn’t let me do them. And there was no money to buy fabric for sewing or any knitting wool.Then he complained the needles ‘clicked’.
He used to take my tools and paintbrushes and ‘lose’ them.
Ewww they are all so HORRIBLE!
Whatever did we see in them? -
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