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I’d always enjoyed cooking, and when I got married, I enjoyed cooking nice things for my husband.
Of course, him being an abuser, I would never get any thanks. He’d lift up the food with his fork and grimace; he’d complain it wasn’t cooked enough or hot enough, or loudly say how people in his home country cooked it like x,y,z, as if my way was far more inferior.
Over time, I got anxious about the whole cooking thing. It worried me from the morning what so would cook later that day, as I couldn’t bear his negative response. And he made me feel like it should monopolise my day: he’d phone me when I was at work, asking me what was for dinner later on.
He’d come in from work and, if I was cooking, he’d look sourly at the the saucepan, with disdain, stirring the food like I wasn’t doing a good job, or turning down the heat, as if to make a point that I wasn’t cooking it right.
My love of cooking had turned into an opportunity for him to dictate and demoralise. I began to hate cooking. What was the point? He didn’t appreciate it or show any enjoyment. He just used it as an opportunity to make me feel rubbish. He didn’t tell to me as an equal across the table. In fact, I stopped sitting down with him to eat. I found myself ‘serving’ him like a waitress. I would eat after him!
I still tried to cook the things he liked, (removed by moderator). But I hated it. I was sick to the back teeth of cooking for him. He just critised, or ate it but sat in stony silence afterwards, never saying thank you.
After he left, I felt liberated at having to never cook or him again.
But one thing confused me. I knew I wasn’t a bad cook, so why all the negative response from him?
In fact, the entitled abuser even tried to say he wanted to come back (removed by moderator) for coffee and ( he added) cake- suggesting that yes, he actually did like my cooking, though he’d never said so. I think he wanted to keep the door open for coming back, and also wanted the chance to monitor me and my actions s by regularly returning. I just found it hilarious that he slipped in the fact that he thought he still deserved a slice of my baking!
Now, I love cooking again. At last, I have the peace to think about what ingredients to buy to cook healthy things for myself. I buy myself lovely salad ingredients, as I used to always eat lovely salads and healthy things.
Cooking for my kids doesn’t worry me like it did my abuser. I find it easy to think of a recipe I know they’d like, or an easy dish if I’ve been working and am home late, and they wolf down my cooking and always say how nice it is, and always say thank you- unlike my ex!
So he lied all along. I wasn’t a rubbish cook. So why make out I was?!
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Although I read the forum daily I find it increases my anxiety to respond but this resonated with me. My experience was exactly the same. He would also do things like praise a dish to the heavens one week and then refuse to eat the disgusting same thing the following week.
I loved cooking but he ruined that. It has taken 2 years to be able to enjoy cooking again.
On another note, I am really struggling again at the moment. I feel so angry that he got away with it all. -
Hi there, his abusive behaviour had absolutely nothing to do with your cooking. You could be the best cook in the world, a five star Michelin chef and he would still criticise or just change the goal posts. Mine used to insist that his diner was on the table for him coming in from work. Even though he often worked overtime and I had no idea when he would be in. But I still got a terrifying outburst from him. For me it was housework, I used to clean and re clean the house for hours and hours each day because of his outbursts and criticism about the state of the house, which was and still is immaculate, and it was never good enough. Please don’t let their behaviour reflect on you, your cooking, your shopping, your housework, your choice of career, how you bring your children up. There was no substance to their criticism and that was the point. It was just him dumping his c**p onto you, leaving him feeling good about himself. Typical abuser behaviour. Good riddance to bad rubbish. It’s great when we begin to get enjoyment back in our lives, cook, bake and enjoy yourself 🌮🍜🍲🍧🎂🍰🍰🍵🍝🍷🍷😃
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The fussy-ness about what he wants to eat gets to me, yet I see all the junk and other stuff he wolfs down other times and know my cooking is fine. He complains I burn things a lot. I do sometimes head off and totally forget that I have put food on (head all over the place syndrome anyone?) but I do not burn everything. I am capable of cooking restaurant standard food if needs be. Yes, lies and sometimes as someone else said, they praise it up (usually to other people), but at home they complain. Anything we are good at they seem to tear down and break in the process (self-esteem smashers)…all about control. All about making us question ourselves and our versions of reality.
I admit, the nice stuff I used to cook is less frequent as I just want to get out of the way and out of the kitchen. This is the place some of the worst stuff has happened.
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Serenity I bet your cooking tastes great!! I am so glad the enjoyment has returned for you. Food can become a battle ground with abusers- when you cook someone a meal it’s an act of kindness. Once I gave my ex a hot plate of food and he went beserk- he called me controlling as he wasn’t hungry. He said he had made t clear that he just wanted a hot drink. I was so confused as I scraped the food I to the Foodbin.
My first abusive husband also used to shout at me over if I didn’t make everything from scratch. Once I used a pre made pasta sauce and it triggered a simmering rage. Also I used to position things in the “wrong way” in the dishwasher and on the draining board. I am so glad that all that is over now. I am starting to feel a flicker of anger about all this. My counsellor said that anger would come- I haven’t felt that angry before I just accepted the treatment as perhaps a reflection of my own failings. Glad to have this forum to share these thoughts xxxxx -
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Serenity, you got it re cooking…my word don’t they just have to have everything…with cherries on top!
he was such a pain in the butt…I also liked cooking and not that bad, had family recipes and so on. Oh no Mr Dominator would say he didn’t want me in the kitchen when he was cooking, to even chop an onion or peel a potato as I just didn’t do it right ( god only knows how I managed before he came along?!) LOL
I know why, its because I was ok/good at it and didn’t make a fuss, or show off…He’d make a huge deal about a sauce not being this or that, picky,arrogant ..trust me he has no right, I think he re invented himself making out he could do x y z in the kitchen…all BS basically!
…then sat down with his head virtually in the plate of food, like an actual animal. Then had the nerve to complain if any one slurped or made a loud chewing noise, getting all twitched…he had the worst table manners ever, yet criticised and judged everyone else!
He had to be …the best…desperate for praise on a constant basis…couldn’t let anyone else in the limelight at all…ungracious self centred bafoon.
Have to Laugh out loud at him…now I’m allowed…at his expense 🙂
Cxx
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