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It’s not been long since he left honestly am finding it difficult because I feel like the past (removed by moderator) with him I’ve lived a lie we have children together.he said he would never beg for me.he thinks I’ve ended it for one reason not the multiple abuse .when I’ve mentioned abuse he’s called me a liar and told everyone I’m a liar by the seems of it.he just makes stuff up anyway ,but now I’m stuck with emotion I want to get rid of like I don’t think he ever loved me even though he said it he used me for kids and to look like a family man to others .but then had other women on side .he never could speak to me his feelings only showed rage so things never were resolved.
The hardest part is he plan kids with me and I’m left with no one and unloved I’ve now got a very big family but as a single parent I don’t even want to tell anyone my situation cause an outsider will see me as used good with so many kids.I’ve been in nothing but abusive relationship and left every time but it will be used against me in my future life.got no job cause he didn’t want me to work to outsider I look like a train reck with my history.i don’t want a relationship now but when I try talk to another man the things thing they want to know is kids I just want friends but it’s still off putting to other I feel like he still won he dosent have to look after them I remember one time him saying other people should watch them cause we don’t have time.he’s got a good job he got right to work he didn’t have before.he’s got houses which the whole income was his from abroad and work full time and I had to use my benefit money to manage the household and kids I just feel betrayal.like I can’t do my life again with someone else and be happy wasted all that time in him wasted my life I just need something to cope I’m forever on Google or thinking about it can’t distract myself -
Hi Mellow
You’ve obviously done something that was really difficult in breaking away from this abusive relationship, and try to give yourself lots of credit for that, and after living with the chaos and constant anxiety of that day and night for years, plus raising children in it, it can be such a shock to the system to adjust. Because your lives were so chaotic and the dynamic so abusive your brain will go on as it has learnt to, you know, coping as you learnt to, and the children will be experiencing this too. It does take a while after separation for your brain to adjust back to normal life, and that can leave you feeling seriously lost with it all.
I can highly recommend throwing yourself into playing with your children, being out with your children, and building your bonds so you all have a big break from the abuse of him, by doing things differently. Whilst the weather is so nice and the days are long, be out as much as you can, either in a garden or park, or countryside if you have that near enough, or seaside if reachable. There’s lots of catching up that you now have the opportunity to do. All the things you couldn’t do.
It will be a while before, as you know feeling as you do now, feeling anywhere near ready to get involved in another relationship. Your children and you need to get to a place of stability within yourselves, to enjoy your lives together, learn safe and healthy boundaries. They don’t need anyone else in their lives, just you, and now you are fully available for them. You can all heal together.
Make sure you also enjoy relaxing for you, getting good sleep, treating yourself and enjoy planning your own days.
It may be worth speaking to someone like Step-Change to see if you are receiving all the financial help you can, and make sure that you receive maintenance from their father.
Noone that matters is going to look at you like ‘used goods’. That is an awful way to think about all women who have had a family and been with an abuser and got themselves free. If women are ‘used goods’ then so are men. There is nothing here but a family who need to recover and take their time doing it, and the people who would make such horrible judgements of a woman are not people you should be around, as that kind of attitude will tell you who that person is, highly judgemental and unpleasant.
It may be that something like Freedom Programme could be helpful at this point for you. It will give you strong boundaries, and put you in touch with other women feeling as you do, and those stillin it, plus the facilitators will be able to point you towards services that would benefit you through this stage.
Be patient, take good care of you, and prioritise you now, not men that would talk this way. There may be a time for another relationship, but for now you all have each other to help each other through this bit.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hi Mellow
I found it hard to let go of the future we had planned when he was in a nice part of his abuse cycle. We planned out our retirement etc… it was a nice fantasy as that’s exactly what it was… fantasy world, i just didn’tknow that back then.. mine was so good at future faking. So now I imagine this retirement future with him and I see it was a lie and even if it was to become true it would be filled with anxiety, I would see less of my kids in that real future and I would be lost to him and his wants because he will always be an abusive man.
In my opinion the women do tend to be worse off as we are left dealing sith the aftermath of their abuse whilst trying to be the best parent we can be. Because they take no responsibility for their actions and no accountability… it is always our fault or someone else’s… then they often bring in a third party (triangulation) and so it goes on.
Mine moved on after a few months 🤣, this man who proclaimed such love, protection and his claims of being a family man. I find it funny now as he has shown who he is, I do not need that validation anymore. My husband didn’t love me. Now I accept that it gave me a sense of relief, I binned the wedding albums and that also felt cathartic and again I felt relief (I am not suggesting you do the same I am trying to explain what helped me cope/move on).
As TS said, throw yourself into being with your kids, I wasn’t up for groups and can’t afford expensive days out so I saved to take them swimming once a week, walked to nearest parks to get am ice cream. Mine are teens and at first they were a bit off with it but I persuaded them to come with me and thry started to relax and we enjoyed it.
I found the Freedom Programme really useful, I am going to do the programme again as I couldn’t quite connect the 1st and 2nd session, by the 3rd it was like wham! It made sense and my brain could start to process what my husband is and what he has done .
Keep posting ❤️
Big hugs Mellow 🤗
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Hi Mellow,
The aftermath is very difficult, so you’ve done really well to break away. You have a lot to process, so just be aware of that, take your time, and be patient with yourself.
One thing I noticed in your post is that you seem very worried of what other people will think of you, especially a potential new partner. I think this is very normal, because for years these men make us feel that they are the only one who could love us and without them we’d be nothing. It ties you to them and hurts your self-esteem. The best thing you can do now though is to look after yourself, rather than looking to meet someone new.
It feels unfair because it is unfair. Especially these n**********c types, they just carry on regardless. The hardest thing here is coming to acceptance of the situation. What I realized in my case is that this person hates himself and will never be happy. You can be happy again, even if it seems difficult to imagine right now.
My advice is to just try and take some small step every day and keep track of your progress. In my case, for example, I remember how great it felt to go shopping for food and buy something that I wanted to eat, rather than eating only the food that he liked at the time he wanted, and not being allowed to buy things for myself or eat outside that schedule.
Google can be helpful for informing yourself on certain things, but it can also make you feel worse or triggered if you spend too long on the internet. It’s better to restrict your online time and move, like go for a walk or something.
Take care and good luck, you can do this!
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Thankyou for your replies I’ve had to stay in a while due to having some parcels coming (something I can no longer feel guilty about) so I think I’ve been indoors too much I will take a walk later .i think your right I get sucked into Google too much and some of it is really hitting a nerve especially these social media posts which show the truth about someone’s actions and that those actions are not love:it just shows he said he loved me but he never did,I overheard him talking to kids via video and they was saying (detail removed by moderator) and the way he answered was filled with hate and jelousy and belittlment they won’t have noticed it but I could it was like you could never have as good as me!but he would not have said those words to them .i could feel the jelousy.i think I will inform the kids not to mention things like that anymore but it’s like they are almost jelous you left and moved on in a wierd way they want you to suffer like people say they don’t want anything positive for you!he actually downplaid everything he actually thought I wouldn’t last without him.i had him round the other day as I felt like I had no choice but never again I hope I’m not in that circumstances he’s made it clear that it won’t and I won’t allow it.
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Hi Mellow
yes, be out and have all the fun you can. You’ve all been living under his shadow for too long, you all need to emerge into the sunlight and enjoy yourselves together. You need to show your children how it is to have fun, be silly, laugh and play together (without abuse), to feel free. Talk to them about people saying nasty things, and make it not about their father, just that there’s lot of stuff on tv, and in books, and going on around us to be able to point out to them frequently whats unacceptable. Its a hard one, as you will have become numb to a lot of this too, but its a good exercise to get yourself back on track and build strong boundaries for you all.
Stay off the internet as much as you can, and same for your children, its proven to be a negative for mental health, its far better to be in the moment and interacting with each other, also learning to ignore notifications, instead of being dictated to by some machine, be independent and free of these notifications and teach your children to be free too.
Reading to them is a great way of connecting, and discussing what book characters are doing, and will help their self-expression hugely, by giving them a wide vocabulary to use to express their own experiences.
Your ex, is now the ex who can no longer pass over your doorstep. He is outside, and no longer a resident in your safe home. He stays out. Its over and he needs to know he cannot come indoors again.
You are doing well, you have come so far, keep going, find your fun and enjoy your freedoms.
warmest wishes
ts
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I’m also in the thick of trying to process the life I had with my abuser. It was such a lie and for so long I was part of that lie as I was unable to let people know the full extent of what was truly going on. I became so good at lying. It makes me sad as it’s against my nature.
Like you, I was conditioned to worry about what other people thought. I fight this every day. I’m a lot stronger now and I realise I don’t want to be around people who judge me. If they don’t like my current situation then they don’t need to be a part of my life.
As someone else said, you make plans during the better moments and after it is all over you remember those plans and it hurts, especially when it involves children and the abuser is their dad. It is/was a fantasy. It’s so hard to acknowledge that and let go of it. I find it quite painful.
For now I’d just focus on rebuilding your life and your children’s lives.
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