Coping with constant changes to contact

[ultimatelyStrong]

(Detail removed by moderator) my ex is always trying to change things or putting a spanner in the works. I know why he does this… CONTROL … unfortunately the powers that be haven’t recognised it so far.

Will it ever stop? If it won’t, how do I manage it?

I just want a peaceful life for me and the kids. A routine where we all know what we’re doing and we can get on with our lives.

My therapist suggested pitying him the need to always feeling the need to control the situation because he has no self esteem. But how do I manage the constant changes or threats of changes? I don’t mean he threatens me but every week there’s something he’s not happy with and wants to change which I hear about through social services who are helping at the moment. When they step out he’ll be contacting me every 5 minutes.

I don’t know how to manage it! Help! 😭

[KIP.]

You stick to the letter of the contact agreement as that’s what it’s there for. It’s best for the kids to have continuity and for you too. And you need to start as you mean to go on. Once social services leave you need a third party for all contact. A friend or family member that can act as your go between possibly via text messages. While he has access to you he will mess you around and this will go on for years if you allow it. Get everything in place so there’s absolutely no reason for direct contact or for him to come to your home. Use a third party for hand over or a contact centre. I’m not sure about pitying him because this is the most dangerous time for you when you break up an abusive relationship so I’d be very careful and take your safety very seriously. A trained therapist in domestic abuse should be seeing this controlling behaviour as a huge red flag still. Contact your local women’s aid for support here too x

[fizzylem]

My ex and I agreed a parental agreement, cafcass can help with this, perhaps speak with your social worker about this service, or call them direct. We agreed and wrote our own, I say we, it was mostly me really, as he tried to give me the runaround for a while before I was finally able to nail it all down, (no change there then), but what I found was eventually he had nowhere to go with it, if you stick to one ‘bit’ at a time, he had no choice but to agree eventually as it was all mostly his suggestions (the one’s I agreed with anyway, the rest I disgarded), so the times he saw her were the time ‘he chose’.

It’s not a legal doc no but it gives you both the same sheet from which to work from and family court will view it and take it as this is/has been the arrangement if it ever gets to court.

He had her for set times, and if he wanted to change it then fine, but this also meant he missed the scheduled time he had with her, there was no recheduling or changing things, it went down as a lost visit and his choice; funny thing occurred, once he realised if he cancelled there was no time, he started to manage things better and made sure he was there for the visit 8/10. It actually made him be more consistant for the first time in his life, well with scheduled visits anyway. This also helped their relationship as it stopped messing my child around too and feeling the disappointments this brings.

Then if he messes you around it’s only when he’s due to see her and this doesn’t impact on the rest of your week. In your mind, your child is with him at this time, he may or may not turn up, so you can manage this hey.

Chances are he’ll learn quickly x

[Anonymous]

I have learnt the hard way that any plan has to be very specific and down to the last detail. We have (detail removed by moderator) but the grey areas in it he uses to continue to control and coerce. Details about where, when, times, transportation, every type of school holiday, bank holiday… get written down and agreed. I’m still being harassed because our arrangements allow him to do this with certain elements.

[Author]

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