Coping with Guilt

[endoftherainbow]

Hello all, today is a bad day, don’t seem to manage my emotions at all. I left my husband and have started divorcee proceedings and we have no contact, he has moved on very quickly, I feel so sorry for the woman hes moved in with, I feel like I should warn her, but don’t want to set him off, plus I doubt she would believe me, hes very good at explaining away things, she would probably think im a mad woman. Im so angry, he sold or gave away everything in our house while I was in refuge, iv lost everything, all my memories burnt or smashed, I know it doesn’t really matter, im safe and free, but it still hurts. He has cut all contact with our youngest, because of the trouble I caused for having him arrested, luckily she doesn’t blame me but is struggling and takes it out on me. My older children have been affected by the past, im making things up with my daughter, but my son doesn’t reply to calls or messages, hes made a life for himself and doesn’t want to bother with us, it hurts so much. Im so angry at my ex, and with myself, I just keep thinking of all the years of abuse, every think he did, it seems too much for my brain to cope with if that makes sense? I feel like I should be ok now, not reliving it all. I have started to try and forgive myself, the abuse was his fault, not mine, I know that, but sometimes its hard to keep that thought alive. I feel so guilty for what I have done to my children and family, what iv lost and can never get back, I think that’s what hurts more, time with loved ones that iv lost and wasn’t there for, that can never change, feel like I could explode, im fed up of putting on a face with people, I don’t want them to think iv gone mad, but that’s probably my old insecurities caused by things he said, “no one really likes you” In so many ways my life is amazing, I can do what I want, no rules to follow, and im so much more relaxed, stopped jumping at every sound, but some times the memories are just too much, sorry for rambling, once you start, its difficult to stop! xx

[KIP.]

Hi there. You are allowed a bad day. It’s perfectly normal. It would be unusual if you didn’t. He has cut contact with his youngest because of the trouble you caused and you had him arrested. This is exactly what my ex did. Tried to shift the blame onto anyone else but him. As if I have the power to ‘have him arrested’. Nothing to do with the terrifying assault he carried out lol. They are all the same. Look up ‘gaslighting’. He’s trying to deflect his appalling behaviour into you. They are expert at it and it causes us such confusion because decent people own up to their mistakes and apologise. Abusers want us to carry the guilt so that they don’t have to. I’m not carrying that guilt anymore and neither should you. My son has also distanced himself from me. I told him I love him and that I’m always here if he needs me. That’s all I can do for the moment. I’m hoping in time and maturity he will see the real picture. After all it took us years to work it out. Tomorrow will be a better day ❤️

[endoftherainbow]

I remember looking up “gaslighting”, it was like reading all about him, iv opened up a lot to my teen, had to tell her a lot, just so she would understand , she was unaware of any physical abuse, and gets why hes doing what he is, still hard when you see them upset. The last message I sent to my son was of a similar approach to yours, that I understand his reasons, but im always here, and will wait for him. Think today is an angry day, im not back at work yet and money is tight, and I know hes living it up, while refusing to pay a penny, wrong that they get to carry on their lives without thought, while its all dumped on us! Think I need to start buying some cats ready to turn into crazy cat lady!! x

[Author]

Posts