Could I have done more?

[tiredofitall]

I’m almost free and have had such amazing support from my family and friends. But a few people (who mean well) have said things like, I ‘allowed’ him to get away with it for too long which is why it went on as long as it did. Or that I should have put my foot down early on. It almost implies that if I had stood up to him in the beginning then he wouldn’t have ‘got away’ with the c****y behaviour for all this time.
And it just makes me feel so deflated. Because I do sometimes think that I should have been stronger, left sooner. But when I think about being in those moments where he would shout at me for hours on end for no reason and there is nothing that I said or did that stopped him, then I think what more could I have done? I tried arguing back, i tried reasoning, i tried not responding. I tried it all. And the sad thing is that I do feel a bit ashamed that I allowed myself to become the type of person I vowed I never would be. I’d never let a man treat me like that etc. But its not as easy as that is it? They aren’t always horrible, they always have a reason and you believe them. Why wouldnt you when you love them and they say they love you?
Its just been bothering me because I dont know whether to just let it go or to set them straight about exactly what a hell of a life I was living and that ‘putting my foot down’ wasn’t really going to make any difference at all!

[Twisted Sister]

Hi tiredofitall

You’ve done amazing to achieve what you have so far, and to have this kind of support around you at such a critical time.

Its up to you, some people will just not understand why a woman ever stays beyond the first red flag, unfortuantely, I think most women would, we are socially conditioned to ‘be kind’, and to smile, and to give the benefit of the doubt always, and the conditioning is strong, but also, none of that is any reason for someone to abuse any woman. Being pleasant and forgiving, or trusting and supportive, are not reasons to be abused.

Many don’t understand the concept of agency, and how much choices disappear in abuse. Your options get smaller and more diminished the longer it goes on. The more you resist it the worst it gets, you fear escalation. Whether you share this with someone or not is up to you and how you are feeling at any given time. There’s an easy reply that ‘its not that simple’, that calls out the false statement, yet doesnt require energy to explain. Or that they could do some research themselves to understand why you may have stayed. I guess it depends who you talk to as to what you’d want to say, or even have the energy for.

The most important thing is that false statements like this are not allowed to enter into your mind and cause wobbles, which they can, very easily. Seeing them for what they are, as a lack of understanding of the complexities of abuse, is important for your own self-confidence and belief, whether you reply or not.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

its gone past time to ‘edit’, but I am adding an addendum here instead:

Use of the words ‘stay’, ‘staying’ are wrong on my part. The sentences that involve a woman ‘staying’ is inferring responsibility on the part of the woman trapped.

Better phrase I should have used ‘couldn’t leave’ is more accurate, and shows where the power is held.

Its all in the language we use that leaves others believing there is choice, we choose to stay, there’s no choice where a woman ‘can’t leave’. ‘Can’t leave’ is an easy way to reframe someone’s question about why ‘you stayed’, when in fact saying ‘I couldn’t leave before’ is more acccurately describing the situation, but there’s still no need to explain why you couldn’t leave, thats ‘complex’.

Hope I’m making sense here with this!

[Footballfan1]

Hi Tiredofitall,

I agree with TwistedSister.
Everything she said.
The comments are not helpful and are victim blaming, which is very harmful.

Unless you have been in an abusive relationship, you can’t understand it.
We often stay for years, I stayed for more than 2 decades.
You have been through grief, and still are.
You have had a horrific ordeal.
You are strong, you have to be for everything you have endured.
Don’t listen to those comments.
They are wrong xx

[staytrue]

Totally relate to all of this, I also had a lot of support in getting out but still had certain comments from friends who told me “this wouldn’t have happened if you’d made more time for close friendships”, I was told that I used to be an “inspiration to other young women” & had let them down by staying in this relationship. Footballfan1 is totally right & though its difficult to take, these are victim blaming statements with no understanding of abuse dynamics.

Abuse is so insidious and the cycle of it is why we stay… I too look back at the times that you have described so well, being shouted at for hours and trying everything, & wonder why I ever accepted that. Twistedsister explains this perfectly, & I will be taking her advice of saying ‘its not that simple’. I am also lucky enough to have friends who do try their best to understand what I have been through & I hope you have friends that do this too, because they are the people that are worth it.

Well done in finding your freedom again & keep believing in the bravery you have shown xox

[tiredofitall]

Thank you all for your wise words. I appreciate the importance of the language because it does put the responsibility on us rather than the abuser for their actions.
I’m out now and proud of what I’ve come through so I guess it just niggles that others can’t see the struggle.
But they are lucky not to know what we know so I think I’ll go with the ‘it’s not as simple as that ‘ too.

[Camel]

People can be well-meaning yet say the most hurtful things. It’s natural to want to defend yourself and put them straight. But haven’t you just escaped all that exhausting nonsense? If their comments are upsetting, tell them, then shut down any further discussions. You’re not responsible for protecting the feelings of people who haven’t thought to protect yours.

[nbumblebee]

Its so hard isnt it to get others to undersatnd. I finally spoke to a friend just tiny little bit about what I go through with hubby not details nothing too bad but enough so sbe could understand she said she sees it and often has to tell herself to be quiet as she doesnt want to make things worse for me but then she said that all i could do was let it go over my head because well im too old to leave him and start again id be left with nothing and its not worth it.
I was devestated took all i had to tell her and that was her reaction. No matter how well meaning no matter how much our friends family love us They dont live it they dont see it hear it feel it so as much as i guess they want to help sometimes it ends up making us feel worse.
All you can do is know your own pain know what you go through what you feel understand that whatever path you take you are doing whats best for you sweetie you deserve to be free.
Sending hugs. Xxxxx

[Twitcher]

Hi Ladies,

I have very close family still not believing my husband has been an abuser from the start of our marriage and even before that. they just think he’s ‘lost his way’ the last few years, since he got heavily into gambling. They say I loved him once and the marriage ending is a shame? He’s manipulated them to believe I’m everything to him. I totally agree with everything that’s been said by all of you, i come away from their home feeling like I’m to blame for it all. You don’t know who to open up to, some people make you feel just as worthless as the abuser. Again I’m so thankful for finding this forum as you beautiful ladies are the only ones that truly understand. Sending lots of hope and hugs to you all x*x

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