Could it be childhood trauma?

[M1dn1ght]

Hello, lovely ladies!

I was just sitting and thinking about my childhood. How my father used to abuse my mother physically. I remember he used to do that in front of me and my sibling. I remember feeling terrified then, begging him to stop hurting our mum. He wouldn’t care. I know she also tried to leave couple times before she left for good. I think she was like some of us here, she also believed his promises and those fake tears that he would change. And I’m sure we all know where those promises end up..
Anyway, she is happily married now and I couldn’t be happier for her.

I was thinking could this also have an impact on why I have stayed so long in my abusive relationship? Could it be one of the reasons why I tried to justify my abusers outbursts?

I wish I could talk to my mum about this. But I am too scared that if she finds out that he is abusing me and raising his hand on me while I am still stuck here, she would text me or say something over the phone while he’s next to me, without realising and by accident, and then he would find out that I’ve been talking to her about what’s going on or that I am trying to leave, it wouldn’t end up good.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

What your describing is repeating the cycle of your childhood traumas. You sadly watched your mum go through abuse and now you do to. The impact of abuse on a parent is massive for a child and unresolved trauma leads to alot of abusive relationships in the future. What your doing with your husband is giving him the hope you probably had for your father. Hoping he will change, be better, etc. Firstly, your husband won’t change. He may mask that he has but he won’t. Abusers thrive off of power and control. Justifying their behaviour is part of the vicious cycle that we fall in but under no terms is their abusive behaviour justifiable. In terms of you thinking of potentially leaving or staying with him this is the tricky part and potentially very dangerous. Many women are at greater risk when they plan to leave. So I’d suggest making a safety plan first. Even if it’s in your head. Secondly contact your local domestic abuse charity for support. They will not tell you to leave but support you if you choose to so you can leave as safely as possible. Thirdly, with your mum if you do tell her what’s happening. Be clear to her not to mention it over text/phonecalls this is to avoid him knowing you’ve shared your story with her and potentially you being at further risk of violence. Well done for opening up on the forum. You are an amazing person. I wish you all the best. It is not your fault what is going on. I do hope you find some peace. 🙂

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