could people have been mentally abusing me all my life

[Falling Skys]

Sorry if I haven’t been much support to you the past few weeks I have been in a bad place.

Due to waiting for my house to sale I am spending more time with my mother.

She is now very elderly and a lovely lady on the whole. Everyone says your mum lovely etc.

But if I don’t do what she wants she gets cross, even denying what she says. To day when she started I just said time for me to go bye.

I was driving when she first called so couldn’t answer, so there was a tearful message left on the phone apologings, it is not easy for me to answer calls or make them when he’s in the house. So she rings again says she didn’t mean to upset and I said I didn’t mean to upset her. Which I don’t know if I should have or not.

So now she wants me to go for cup of tea tomorrow, which I don’t want to. I was be taking her out the following day to her club.

But I look back as a child I always felt not good enough. My sibling was so much better.

I know one of the reason I got married was to get away from her.

Also when my dad passed away she and my sibling were allowed to cry. But she got cross if I did.

I think that was where my programming to please started, which made me an easier target in later years.

Also pls say if you think I am being over sensitive.

I feel awful writing this bit I just want to be abuse free.

FS x

[Serenity]

FS,

I would say trust your gut. Plus, when we have been in a relationship which we realise was abusive, we begin to make links with our past and can see a pattern. How we allowed ourselves to be mistreated very often started in childhood, however subtle.

As our parents get older, behaviours which were more subtle or well-hidden become more obvious.

I don’t think you are being oversensitive. I think you have realised that your mother hadn’t ways rested you fairly and senses that she can manipulate you in different ways now.

My mother can be good in many ways, but she can also be very unfair and cutting at times, and expects me to drop everything for her.

To deny someone the freedom to grieve or show emotion is apparently a form of emotional abuse. You were entitled to grieve for your father.

I asked myself how my own family could treat me this way, and realised that it was because that person has issues, but also treat me like that and not my siblings because, from an early age, we were probably the most forgiving, so in life they’ve treated us like that because they sense ‘they can’ with us. My sister told me this: she said my mum knows that she, my sister, wouldn’t put up with it.

My mother also increased her control and bullying behaviours after my ex left, as if she saw an empty space and moved in. Maybe because I was now on my own, she thought I was less able to stand up to her.

The good news is, as my counsellor said, you can stand up to them in an assertive not abusive way, and it might take a few attempts, but sooner or later they will get the message that you won’t tolerate it. My mum has already started to realise.
I need to remind her every so often, however!

[Falling Skys]

Thank you Serenity

FS xx

[Eve1]

I think Serenity is right about making connections with our past once we’ve been in an abusive relationship. After leaving my abusive ex, I realised my Dad was definitely abusive to my Mum and I witnessed this growing up. I always felt close to my Mum and I think protective. Now she does sometimes say things which make me realise she doesn’t really accept that I was abused by my husband so I’ve had to gradually distant myself. They are both very elderly now and I see them as much as I can cope with.
You are right to want to be abuse free. It’s a painful process and part of our healing. Here hoping your house sale is speedy. Once you have your own place you’ll have breathing space and more choice about who you doesn’t time with.
Eve
x

[godschild]

Hi falling skys, my mom treated differant to my than my brother, he could get away with murder so to speak and she would cover and excuse him. She was good in some ways to me but also manipulative.
You say you dont want to go tommorow so dont go, stick by your guns and do what you want, set a presidence on it.
I think we are vunerable due to what happens in childhood. My mom was abused by my dad so she knew what it was like, but she never confronted my Husband and didnt really support me in any great way against it.
I think we have to start taking back some ground rorm what people expect f us, since christmas and my last round of abuse, ive come to see the real truth of what is happening to me and not only with him but I see so many others using me and not being there for me , or being manipulative or laughing and joking with him when they know how he has treated me. Do what you want, you are kind enough to take her to her club and she should be grateful and if you want a break tommorow dont’ go.

[Falling Skys]

Thank you ladies this was the only place I could voice my concerns and have them understood.

Tomorrow I will go out with a picnic on my own, take pictures, chill and calm myself.

Then I will take Mum out on the next day to her club.

What is becoming clear a lot of people have not treated me correctly and I must either distance myself or stop it (though not sure how)

FS xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Falling Skys – I put a comment on Serenity’s post last night – but by that time it was too late to reply to you too – and so here I am – how are you today?

If you read what I said in Serenity’s post you will get an idea of the kind of relationship me mam and me have.

I’m constantly having to ‘bite my tongue’ to avoid falling out with her and avoid any ‘ill-feeling’ between us – eg her comments last week hurt me (I don’t like to hear my kids spoken about in a negative way) and she just says whatever she is thinking – I didn’t contact her much this week (not intentionally) and she picked up something wasn’t right – and now I’ve ended up asking her over for tea tonight!!!

She was the one I called the night I left my abuser, and she took me and the kids in, and put us up for two weeks until we got a place to live – so I can’t forget that…..
But even on that very traumatic night – she never cuddled me, she never said well done, you are so brave (she had wanted me to leave him for years) she never said I’m proud of you for doin this ……she never has done (and wont start now!!!) giving me praise for ANYTHING I’ve done.

My mam is not that old (late (detail removed by Moderator)) but she seems to think that she can freely express her opinions on any part of my life – and I just have to take it.

I think she feels she can talk to me in that way because I am weak – my sister is strong and independent, and makes all her own decisions – never asking mam or me for advice – where as me I’m insecure and indecisive – and I KNOW I can be easily ‘walked over’ by anyone in my life – mam knows all about my abuse – and so she knows I’m weak and pathetic – and can’t stand up for myself – and so she then thinks that gives her the right to tell me what to do or pass comment on my life.

As Serenity says – mam treats me like this cos she knows she can – I don’t think my sister would have put up with it – I KNOW my sister would not have lived with an abusive husband like i did – she wouldn’t let any man treat her like that…..

Last night my daughter was asked to a friends house for 8-30 – (cos me mam was passing comment she hadn’t heard from me much this week) I text her and said I was in town with my daughter did she need me to get her anything – and said my daughter had been asked in for 8-30, but the other friend had gone in earlier.
Well right away she text back and her message said…..
“Seems a bit odd, makes you think they didn’t want her there at the start, and just wanted to be the two of them.”

Well that’s the kind of messages I get, and it just upsets me to hear her talk that way about her own granddaughter – there is no need to be as blunt and as harsh as that is there??

I would never send a text like that to may daughter saying that to her – so what makes mam think she can say it to me and it won’t upset me…..

Actually funny how things work out – my son was at the cinema with his father and who should be there in the same row but my daughters two friends – they had gone to the film and not said they were going and didn’t ask her, well I can’t tell me mam this for she will be ‘in her element’ with that information – I’d hate to think what her opinion on this would be.

My daughter saw the cinema tickets at her friends house and so she found out they’d gone – they apologised for not asking her – but said they didn’t think it would be her type of film (and maybe it wouldn’t have been) but they could have said we are going do you fancy it too?

My daughter wasn’t too upset, as she did feel she wouldn’t have enjoyed the film, bit she said it would have been nice to have been asked and included too – but I don’t make a big fuss or ‘drama’ over it – but if my mam had known this incident would have been ‘right up her street’, and she would have ‘gone to town’ with her views and opinions on the whole matter.

You see how something as innocent as telling her what time my daughter was going out – can spark off a whole chain of comments from my mother!!!

I just have to be blunt back to her and I just don’t reply to those kind of comments now – I just try and ignore it …..

It’s hard when I have to watch all the time what I tell her and how I say things – so I don’t end up with a barrage of texts with her views and opinions on the subject – she can turn something completely innocent into a huge drama – if I’m not careful and tell her something in all innocence…..

Oh it drains me this constant ‘drama’ she makes of everything…..

[betterdays]

Hi falling sky’s hope your well. I feel the same about my family. They have always interfered with my life from being young. Once upon a time tbey felt sorry for my abuser because he had to live in a caravan in the cold this were in the early days when he were physical. I then had got into another relationship with a lovely guy they criticized him saying he were trying to steal my house of me. So I went back to the abuser. My mum is still in an abusive relationship with my dad may I add. My sisters always tried to dictate she’s (detail removed by Moderator) years younger and is in no position to judge me. She doesn’t want me to get on in life be it a new car. House or anything. I’m independent and never ask anyone for anything I have it the most difficult of the lot I’m the giver but I’M the one who gets dictated to…xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi ladies

I had a lovely day, but had to go in to mothers as she forgot to tell me I had a letter.. I kept it brief.. She wants me to move in with her between my house saling and getting another one but I don’t think I will be able to cope with her.

Life just seems so hard at the moment, sure it will improve soon.

FS xx

[martian29]

I think a lot of us realise after being in an abusive relationship that we have been led there from childhood relationships with family. We need to learn healthy boundaries and to make sure they are kept. This is not easy when we have been conditioned into thinking we are not worthy. Assertiveness is so hard to follow through when we are so used to saying yes, putting our own needs last of all.

Your mother sounds like she is trying to emotionally control you in getting to do what she wants, getting angry when you set boundaries and then trying to make you feel guilty by getting tearful on the phone. She should realise that you have your own life and your own plans. You are allowed to grieve over your father as much as you like and for as long as it takes. I don’t think you are being over sensitive at all.

I have always had a close relationship with my mother and I love her to bits. She is my life as well as my children. After I left the abuser with the kids, we spent some time staying at her home with her. As much as I love her she almost drove us mad. I realised how controlling, critical and emotionally abusive she can be at times to my kids and I.

Growing up, my older siblings were more important than me. They would get the best food as they are older she would say, something she has been repeating with my own children who are only a year apart in age. Any opinion I voiced was laughed at and ridiculed by her and my eldest sibling. I wasn’t allowed to speak for myself as she always spoke over me. I was expected to do all the housework and chores as I was a girl. She taught me that women should always be subservient to men as they are the providers and protectors. She showed this by example. My step-father was a lazy man who sat around all day and barely ever worked. She always worked then came home and pandered to his needs. I can see how this led me to feel unworthy and stay so long in an abusive relationship later on in life.

[Falling Skys]

Thankyou martian29

Your reply was most helpful xx

I do feel guilty for saying anything against her as she is a lovely lady.

But I was never able to go against her. My parents were mature when they had me so a different generation to most of my friends and different values. I can see that to an abuser I was ripe pickings.

I just hope I can break the cycle as I do get upset when I go against anyone wishes.

FS xx

[determined survivor]

I have been questioning the same thing in my own life recently. I asked my advocate about it, and she told me that those of us who have been through abusive relationships are more likely to see them in society because we know the signs. We see it because we know what it looks like. Those who have never experienced it see is as normal, even healthy. She told me that it is everywhere, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I am going to be put in that same position again. I have been concerned about being abused again by another person, which is why I am not pursuing any new friendships or relationships right now. Sometimes I wonder if my lack of self-confidence and never feeling good enough come from my childhood, which made me more willing to endure the abuse because I thought it was normal. You are not being over sensitive. It is a reasonable thought, and one I’m sure many of us have wrestled with from time to time since we have left our abusers. I know I have, and I have only left within the last few months.

[Falling Skys]

Hi DS

Thank you for your answer, I am worried too about getting involved with another abuser, but time will tell on that one, but I am happy with just having friends.

I am seeing my support worker tomorrow and she if she can advise me about my mother.

She is still being a little off with me.

FSxx

[determined survivor]

FS,

Yes, time will tell. I am happy with the friends I have as well. For the last few months they are the ones who have helped me through. I haven’t been able to tell my family what really happened. They only know that the guy was contacting me excessively. They don’t know anything about the emotional abuse, and I’m not sure if they will ever know. If it were not for my friends, I would not be where I am at today.

One thing I have realized in the last month is that I cannot do this alone, and I’m glad I don’t have to. Whether or not people understand what I’m going through, many of them are willing to listen. I wish you the best trying to figure out how to deal with your mother.

DS

[Author]

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