Could this be a tactic?

[Scarecrow]

I can barely type this so forgive me if this doesnt make sense.

My boyfriend does love bomb me- I know this – but I have always wondered if he was more codependent then abusive. But now I have the idea in my head that he might be I keep seeing other things and I am second guessing things. I do want the relationship to be over, whether it is abusive or not, but I keep thinking that maybe I am making excuses to make it seem worse then it is.

So he knows that I don’t want to move in with him or get married – it is just the way it is, and I have been open about this from the beginning. But recently he keeps asking me (detail removed by Moderator) (like it is a dead cert that I am going to change my mind) and how he was hoping that his ex-wife ((detail removed by Moderator)) will (detail removed by Moderator) and then he could move in with me while he is looking for something to buy.

The other thing is that he doesn’t seem to even listen to what I am saying – or not saying. Every conversation ends with how he would do anything for me and how we are going to be together forever – or that we have the rest of our lives together. I feel suffocated but keep asking myself if he keeps saying things like that as a way of trying to reinforce it in my head – almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy – or if he really does mean it. I just don’t understand why he has to say it so often. If he says something about forever, then I will give a non-committal answer – never a positive one – and he just doesn’t seem to even notice.

Feeling really low today, can feel a panic attack brewing,

Love and hugs

S x

[Bananaboat]

Yes it’s a tactic. Your post has been heavily moderated in the key part of what he says/does but ignoring your wishes is common in abuse. Many of us on here have said it’s over and had the other person ignore that, plough on as if you’re still together and even worse, will start talking about the future, similar to your wish not to marry – he’s ignoring that. I can think of two reasons for this, there’s probably others. Firstly, as the ‘nice’ people that we are, they know we won’t want to upset them and either start doubting our reasons, or we don’t want to cause pain/issues so decide to stay. Second, if we do leave then they can easily paint themselves as the victim – I promised her marriage and she left me type thing.

[Scarecrow]

Thank you Bananaboat, I really appreciate your input.

This isn’t my first unequal relationship and I guess I am just questioning whether I am overthinking things at the first sign of trouble?

If this was the only thing then I would probably have chalked it up to that, but sadly it isn’t.

S x

[Camel]

Hi Scarecrow

You want out of this relationship and fortunately he hasn’t moved in. You are allowed to overthink. You are allowed to walk away at any time, for any reason, even for no reason. It doesn’t have to be ‘really bad’. It could simply be not ‘really good’. You don’t even like him much, which is OK. You don’t have to try to make it work. Neither do you need to consider his feelings. Relationships end all the time and it’s not a character flaw when they do. Instead of being noncommittal when he future fakes, you could be honest and call it a day. X

[Camel]

Future fake is probably not quite correct. It might not be fake to him. But it’s fake to you. Future Bullying perhaps?

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