Could this really be abuse?

[Meadowside]

I’m in my (detail removed by Moderator), (detail removed by Moderator) years into this relationship, not married. My partner actually does not support me financially, I support the household and all other exoenditure, holidays etc whilst he spends all his money on socialising, with nothing to show for his life of work. I have always been cautious and looked after my money, saved and spent proportionately. His lifestyle is that he wants to have fun and now has nothing of any value, I even bought his car! This would not bother me necessarily if he was kind and treated me with respect. Rather he is scathing of my family and friends, tells me I’m a rubbish mother and dumped them with the childminder while I chose to work at my career. My kids actually say I’m a great mum and a good role model. However some of what he says rings true as I do feel I should have been with them when they were little but i has to work as couldn’t bear to be dependent on my ex husband. I have always felt a little guilty if working full time throughout my life. I was raised in care so it’s important for me to keep my head above water, which I have done, owning my own home and saving fir pensions etc. Despite this he picks holes at everything I say or do, in the past I have striven to win his approval but he seems relentless in his quest to put me in my place. He stonewalls me if I try to defend myself, he seems to have a knack of making everything I say sound wrong and turning everything I say against me. He is very much alpha male in his eyes, yet he has never actually achieved anything with work although he’s always got by with a reasonable wage which he spends on himself. He doesn’t contribute financially as he says I earn enough and the house isn’t his anyway. He speaks in a very harsh manner and talks over me, he accuses me of being a drama queen if I become upset. So I don’t act emotionally I approach any discussion now, no matter how trivial, in an impassioned, business like manner trying to come across as fair. Instead he says I’m treating him like a business deal. I honestly don’t know how else to communicate with him as he twists my words to make me the bad one. Lately I have become sick of being treated like this and question why I stay, so I have tried to be honest with him and explain how I feel but then I get the silent treatment for days, weeks and he is completely cold and hostile. I then end up trying to be really blinded to him to break the deadlock. He says that it’s a man’s world and he believes a man should be in charge. I don’t agree either party should be in charge, I believe in equality. He says I am “no fun” it goes on and on and there’s so much more I can say but I need to know “is this abuse?”

[Anonymous]

Hi Meadowside…..LOL! A man should be in charge! That one just cracks me UP! Well then, that would require leadership abilities wouldn’t it and from what you just described I see zip, zing, zero of that one going on. Horrible little creature, isn’t he? I think you know the answer to your question because I can tell you are a very smart woman. You just need a collective Hug and Affirmation from all of us because Oh dear me Yes, it’s abuse, a few different kinds. There is a thread called “Book List” on here and I want you to go tippy toe over there and start reading because you’re going to get your affirmation regarding what your gut is already telling you. This man has had it good and trust me, I know, I did it for my last one, too. He wasn’t physically abusive, was highly intelligent but wouldn’t support himself. Was too busy being “creative” with his art, writing books/articles and making little to no money at it because he would never allow anyone to help him since he knew it all. He was good at what he did however, so very stupid in his arrogance but that always trips them up. His high I.Q. and all that. Mr. Superiority but so could charm you and he was good at quite a few things, just didn’t play well with others.

Your energy, I’m quite sure was like caviar to him all the way around but of course he had to thank you by kicking you for it. So whatcha wanna do my love? Life is short. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and acts like a duck, it’s a duck. Our standards have to be re-aligned sometimes. Because I already know you are over this drama. Just have to get ahold of your codependency and rein in all your energy to be used on you and your loved ones who actually deserve it. If you met him on the street and knew all this about him, would you even be friends with him, or run? There is no talking to this man, he’ll just tie you in knots, turn it all back around you, wear you out walking and talking in circles, degrade you and punish you for ever trying to make him look in the mirror which he is sooo not going to do. Listen to your radar. It’s blaring at you.

[Anonymous]

Why Does He Do That? – Lundy Bancroft
Living with the Dominator – Pat Craven

[Wants To Help]

Hi Meadowside,

You can sooooo do this, you can kick that waste of space out and take back your kingdom. This patriarchal attitude of his stinks, is he from the 1800’s?

Working full time in a busy career as a mum is extremely hard work, and it seems to me like your kids respect you for it. You have shown them love and a great work ethic and that mums can have successful careers too. They have told you you’re a great mum so believe them. I’m sure their view of you is far more accurate than his!

I too have worked full time for the last (many) years. My son is proud of me and what I do. He is a young man now and we have a great relationship. A close friend of mine has also worked full time in a demanding job raising two boys on her own, both are also adults now and they have a great relationship with her too. Childcare is a part of kids lives these days, nothing to be ashamed of. Without childcare I wouldn’t have been able to get back on my feet post abuse like I have.

Do not doubt yourself. Your partner is quite likely very jealous of you and all you have achieved and knows that his life is very cushy with you. He’s probably terrified of being without you, so in order not to lose you he has chosen to abuse you; he has caged you instead of giving you the wings to fly and succeed and come home again. That’s not love, that’s not support.

As for wanting to always be financially independent and secure… Well, when I was 18 my mum had a chat with me and gave me some great advice, she told me to always have some money put aside so that I never had to be reliant on a man and could afford to get away if I ever wanted to. My mum was my mentor and role model, I took her advice, but sadly all of my savings got taken up in the legal fees and court case to leave my abuser for good and protect my son. But at least I could afford to do it.

Keep reading and researching, with the right support you could be rid of this deadweight by Christmas 🙂

[Meadowside]

Thank you,your words resonate with me, resoundingly so! It just seems outrageous to think I could be abused, such a powerful word. I have tried to give the benefit of doubt repeatedly but you’re right, he’s a duck! I used to cry all the time then dust myself down and go to work and pretend everything was fine when I was a wreck on the inside. I had a (detail removed by Moderator) year bout of depression (insidious, evil depression) but a couple of years back I came out the other side and have been stronger since. I don’t cry anymore, not even when my mum died (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. I can’t cry. I am done with this, you’re right to acknowledge it, I need it to be confirmed by someone without an angle, so I’m glad you replied to me, it helps greatly. I am stunned at how I have let this develop, I used to think I was a really bad person because of the things he told me I represent, especially being a rubbish mother who only “threw money” at my kids and took them in expensive holidays to be entertained so I didn’t have to make an effort with them. Thankfully my kids don’t say that and recall a much different childhood and say they had great times, holidays, birthdays etc. He does get under my skin thigh wit that guilt. I was raised in a children’s home for many years and I think that has left me with underlying abandonment issues, possibly why I was always so unsure of myself, despite relative success in other areas of my life. He really knows how to make me feel like a loser. But I am seeing him now for who he is, he’s the last man standing at any social event, has loads of “friends” but nobody who really gives a d**n when the pub shuts, he has alienated all his family by his reckless use of his late parents equity in their house, I could write a book! It’s a matter of time now, I will choose my moment as I can’t take any more of his stripping me of my confidence and self belief. Somehow I feel sorry for him as he won’t do well without me. The man child has nothing if his own to offer and is not as attractive as he once was and I fear he will be very sad on his own. I have spent (detail removed by Moderator) years trying to change my behaviour to meet his needs but he has never changed anything for my benefit, so why should I feel guilty???

[Chestnut]

You sound like an incredibly strong person, what you have achieved with your kids, working and with a difficult start. You should be incredibly proud. He knows you should be proud as well, he is poking/provoking you in anyway he can to make you doubt yourself. I agree with the comment he is likely very jealous of you, I think he actually feels the need to control you because you are a strong, smart person…and I am so excited for you that you have realised what he is doing. I felt sorry for my partner too and that was the main reason i thought I couldn’t end things even after I knew what was happening. A short time out of it, that is just starting to ease, you have to re-prioritise to you being the more important one here. I think you have this!

[Meadowside]

Thank you for all your wise words ladies. I’m so glad I’ve opened up to you, it’s clear you get it, your experiences gives you the knowledge to share with others and is so very valuable to me at this time, I will indeed get some reading material to help me make sense of what I’ve been going through as I need to know exactly how it happened, how I let it happen and how I take my life back. Thank you and best wishes to you all x

[Headspinning]

Hi
Your situation is identical to the one I recently got out of.
I was with a self employed man child. Seemed so great and attentive to start with, great fun with my younger kids. I had (and still have) a stable and good career.
Well over time it became clear his earnings were not that great – his nice looking cars were actually very old and cheaply acquired. He aknowledged his lack of savings and blamed an ex who cleared his life savings out of a joint account. I believed him and thought he would work to rebuild financial security.
Wrong! He was constantly taking time off to pursue his leisure activities so throughout the years he remained a low earned with enough to cover his lifestyle but nothing else.
Over time he moved in and the great easy going guy who helped out and made everything fun became a bossy dictator. His way or the highway! I was always criticised for my lazy slovenly ways. I was too work obsessed. I let the kids (my kids not his) away with murder. He saw it as his role to show me how to be a good parent, initially encouraging the kids to help out with a small chore – by the end leaving them huge lists daily which I would hide, replace with shorter lists and do stuff myself for a quiet life!!! It became ridiculous!!! Of course – it wasn’t like that every day, I have lots of positive memories too if cuddling up watching a box set, bike rides, holidays. So it’s very confusing and it gets to a bad place over a long period of time.
Like you – I work hard, I don’t see myself as being gullible or naive enough to let an abuser into mine and my kids lives. Of course I would never let some man who doesn’t pull his weight come in and dominate us – that would be mad!! But…..that is what happened.
I am now living on my own with my teenagers with blissful peace and we are all very happy he is gone. They are great kids and don’t underestimate the impact this bully can have. They saw his bad treatment of me (lack of respect, bossiness, taking things for granted, ruling the roost) and they have since told me that in the latter 2 years they felt bullied by him. Yes I feel bad about that, but I know they respect me more for standing up for myself and for them and getting rid of the man child leech and bully.
Yes I miss the good times but I don’t miss all the negativity this person also brought. I wonder if your depression was actually as a reaction to his treatment of you? If I hadn’t gotten out when I did I wonder if I would have ended up down that path. He was already making me think I had memory problems and looking back it was because I spent so much time over thinking and reacting to him. Now he has gone much of my stress and anxiety has too.
Our stories sound remarkably similar so feel free to contact me direct any time. Getting out is not easy – these guys know they have gotten it good and won’t want to give up their meal ticket – but do you want to share your hard fought for pension with this person and have to compromise on your lifestyle? Do you want this person with you at your kids future significant events dragging you down?
Read the books recommended. Also have a look at videos on YouTube called Surviving Narsissism – they are about 10 minutes long and really opened my eyes to what was going on. I frequently laughed out loud at the similarities!
Good luck

[Wants To Help]

@headspinning – that is a great post, I can relate to so much of that too. So pleased you have moved on and now living in Recovery 🙂

@meadowside – don’t spend too much time worrying about how this happened, don’t wonder how you ‘let this happen’ because you didn’t let it happen. Abuse creeps up on you, it’s so slow, so intricate, so subtle that we have no idea we are in it until we are deep in it. That’s why ladies live in the DENIAL stage for so long. If it was really overt we’d spot it straight away. If a man moved in on day one and laid down the rules and said to us “right, now I’ve moved in this is going to be your new way of living, what I say goes and this is what is going to happen from now on” we would kick him out before his suitcase made it to the bedroom! If we went on a first date with someone and they slapped us hard across the face because of something we said, or started looking through our phone and telling us to delete the numbers of men in our contact list… well, there’d never be a second date would there?

I remember when I started dating my abuser I only got to see him at weekends at first and that was fine. He was living in lodgings (red flag to me now, I’m very wary of meeting a man who is easily available to leave his residence – if he can move in with a woman who owns her own home he can save a shed load of money each month to spend on what he wants knowing he’s not legally responsible for any of the outgoings) but one weekend I wanted a night out with my friends and he showed disappointment and upset, calmly told me that weekends were our time and that he had been looking forward to seeing me all week because he loved me so much and couldn’t wait to see me – that surely when we had such limited time together then our weekends were very important to be together? I was flattered by this, flattered that this man wanted to spend time with me. I believed his request was reasonable, so I never went out at weekends with friends. Then once he’d moved in (again, it was my house that I’d had for many years before I met him) the status quo had been set. I was not allowed to go out with my friends at weekends. If I wanted to it would no longer be a ‘gentle request’ not to go out, it would be full on moods and arguments, sulks, temper etc. In the end it was just easier not to go out to avoid all this.

So don’t waste too much time and energy wondering how it happened. You may not be able to put your finger on the exact moment. Put your energy now in to your escape plan and look forward. There is plenty of time to reflect on it all once you are out of the relationship, but your priority now is the getting out and getting your life back.

[Meadowside]

Hello all of you lovely ladies, I actually had so much to think about last night following my postings and had a disturbed sleep, I did however, wake up feeling much better then I had in the longest time as I felt heard and acknowledged and that you all understood me. I don’t tell anyone about the abuse, mainly because it seems a bit dramatic to use these terms as he doesn’t actually assault me. I think we are brought up that sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never harm you. Although he has been quite insulting and tries to diminish me in public, even grabbing my breasts or pulling down my top and laughing. It’s really embarrassing and just plain weird. He also likes to pinch me, place a hot teaspoon on my skin, yank my hair then kiss me (yuk and ow!). When we have had a riw in the car he drives really fast which terrifies me as it’s so fast he could easily kill us. One time I was so scared that I pleaded with him to stop and we were in the middle of the countryside in complete darkness and he threw me out of the car. I don’t know if I was more scared because of the driving or left alone in the dark. I dare not question his driving as he believed he is the best driver out there, he is much better than me, but I am at least safe and don’t speed. He seems to use this tactic to get me to beg him to stop, come to think of it he seems to like me best when I am in distress. I suppose some of this is abuse too, but I haven’t heard of this sort of thing before, I think I need to really talk this out with someone, I feel like I am waking up fir the first time and seeing a new world. Thanks again my friends, you don’t know how much you have helped xx

[Headspinning]

Think of the tactics as ways of controlling you, driving too fast – he’s taking away any control you have of feeling safe. Mine frequently used this tactic as well.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you speak to a couple of close friends and they won’t be as surprised as you think. I know mine weren’t and have been a great support to me.
And you have lots of friends on here now!!

[iliketea]

@Meadowside just jumping in about the driving fast thing, I’ve heard a few women mention that on here, so I am sure it is a thing. I know mine also does it, not to that extent but definitely is something about cars and speed and fear.
Good advice above. Im happy to hear you feel you were heard, this is an amazing forum with very supportive, kind and knowledgeable women. Please don’t underestimate this type of abuse, you say its not physical but it actually is, pinching, hot spoons, yanking your hair…
Welcome and look forward to chatting more. Hope you can get a more peaceful night tonight.

[Chestnut]

I think you would get a lot out of the book mentioned on here by Lundy Bancroft. Can download on your phone with kindle app from Amazon. It was after jotting everything that happened down over a year, reading that book and then posting on here that I finally saw the pattern that I been denying. Scary driving happened to me, terrifying but I didn’t call it abuse, it is listed as physical abuse. I also have not had a “normal” kiss from him in years..lots of grabbing my face, putting things over my head etc etc. You will start to see a lot and it can be scary to begin but it will help you realise exactly what’s going on. Start jotting it down. Wishing you super good luck x

[Anonymous]

It’s ALL abuse!! Every bit of it from beginning to end! Sounds just like my father. What a terror he was. Loved to pile us in the car and drive fast. Might kill us all this time! You have been sooo desensitized to his abuse Meadow, you really have. Just the fact that you are questioning is this abuse, says that’s true. What he is doing is horrific. Extreme bully this one. And he “likes it” and that’s the scary thing. He gets off on scaring you, ridiculing you, abusing you. It’s fun for him. I am absolutely horrified at what you wrote and you saying that you guess some of this abuse……..hurts me for you, really does. You’ve had this kind of treatment for so long you’ve just accepted it as normal and that you should just put up with it and No and No here!

Please start educating yourself. Go to the thread called “Book List” and just pick one. Life is short and it’s like once you see who you are really dealing with, have ripped the mask off, not sure how long you need to stand and stare and wish that you could go back to seeing your illusion or what wanted him to be before you decide that’s enough and I just need to get away from him. Sometimes we really do have to make an assessment, trust our gut and say, enough is enough. I didn’t do this to you, you came pre-packaged just the way you are. I don’t abuse you so why do you abuse me? I’m not your slave, your pull toy, your pin cushion just like if I did that to you, would you like it? So why should I? Why am I considered to be beneath you in rights as a human being? Uh No.

I am so glad you are here, really am. You need affirmation and we need to keep your eyes wide open here. No going to sleep, you can’t afford to do that. We want you to want to – stay awake. I have a deep seated Growl in my being when I see this and hear it. I know the drill, I do. I know the men who do it. Met some women who do too. I despise it because it destroys people, beautiful people like yourself. But we can’t fix and attend to, what we don’t know about, right? Can’t defend against or play offense against what we can’t pin down as an enemy in our life and he is that, btw. Very much so. As long as we are playing in shadows and fog however, we just spin. And spin some more…. round and round. Time to level that spin out now. Time to sit, focus, stop spinning, stop wanting to, stop being told to and obeying, time now to…….get in touch with that little wise self of yours that has been tucked away because she has tremendous wisdom, just hasn’t been asked to share it! Quite smart that one. Her ears go up when we speak to you. She hears us and you know it. You feel it. So let her out. Listen to her. That intuition and radar of yours is her actually. Time to let her guide you…..

[Soulsearcher18]

Welcome Meadowside
Wow, what an inspirational woman you are!
I mean, I just read all the positives about YOUR achievements in your post because I know well to ignore all the b******t that Perpetrators dole out.
Insecure little weeds they are…weeds is to beautiful a word for them.
Then BAM- emotional and psychological abuse
…and physical too…
amazes me how we just seem to forget that bit, you know it just get’s mentioned in passing as a secondary note…because we are so used to it and because the emotional and psychological abuse has programmed us that it is ‘normal’, that we are deserving of that behaviour. Disgusting, Heinous acts.

So yeh, I am really glad that you made it here Meadowside. You just keep posting here along the way now. As you start reading, things will click, things might get to you-take the wind out your sails. We’ll be here listening to you, supporting you and willing you on in your journey.

Take care

Soulsearcher18

[Author]

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