Councilling?

[Daisydo]

We are existing in the same home because he won’t move out. Since I decided (detail removed by moderator) that I no longer want to be in that kind relationship with him & that it Was over, he has behaves and not got too angry.
He keeps questioning why I still won’t forgive him and move on when he has made such an effortcall tear & I’ve given nothing back. He doesn’t get that it’s because I don’t want to.
So now I’ve caught him out and found his been messaging another woman and the only reason they are not seeing each other is because she said no! He eventually said He Was sorry but that was soon followed up with that it Was my fault, I drove him to it, not giving him anything in ages.
He has now ground me down into agreeing to speak to someone at Relate, I have said it’s just for closure on everything, one way or another, because I feel no can at least say I tried everything when it doesn’t work!
But I’m worried because I know I have read on here how you can’t do relationship councilling with an abuser because they are so good atcrwisting things. And I’m scared they won’t support when I say it’s things that he has said and done from years back that have got me to where I am now. He says those things are all insignificant. But if I don’t see a councillor it’s always going to be said, not just by him but others too that don’t understand, that I never made a proper effort to sort it.
I don’t want to do it but feel I have to. The only thing I’m holding on to is there appointments can take months and He will get fed up again before then.
Any advice really welcome??
DD xx

 

[fizzylem]

Any good relate counsellor will pick up on the control and abuse; relate is there to help couples end a relationship as many times as they are there to help save one, which can be good if there are children involved as well, there is stuff to think about. It’s also safer discussing hot topics when someone else is present hey. Sometimes it helps a person to be heard, so if he’s not listening to you saying it’s over this may be where he realises it is.

However, if he’s dangerous and there’s a risk that he will ramp up the abuse and manipulation or be violent then it’s always better to make your exit without telling him.

Sadly, most abusive, controlling men dont change, so when it ends they are still abusive and controlling – highly likley you will need guidance and support re how to deal with him in the aftermath. It really is better for you and the children if you go no contact – if you don’t do it now chances are you will only prolonge this and see the need later down the line after a lot of distress, stress and heartache. Maybe work on a plan re how you will do this / make a clean break x

[siba]

I had a really bad experience with them. They focussed on communication issues as being the issue and seemed to bypass the abuse. If you do go through with it, i’d highly advise calling them first to warn them that he is abusive so that they can hopefully deal with this in the session as opposed to him getting them on his side. My session had elements of abuse in it where he and the counsellor ganged up on me about various things, I left feeling worse than ever and spent the next day in bed feeling depressed and crying constantly. I’ve never felt as bad in my life!

[Escapee]

You have the right to say no.

You do not need to put yourself through this.

He has just found another way to get to you; to heap the blame and the responsibility on to your shoulders.

Relate also do counselling for individuals – if he feels he needs to go he can go on his own.

Speak to WA and get someone to help support you through this period. These men are such experts at twisting things so we feel the guilt and feel bad about ourselves.

Sending you strength and love x*x

[Daisydo]

Thank you all for your advice. I have been to Relate alone about this a while ago and am waiting my next appointment. She confirmed it was domestic abuse I am living with and how wrong it all is for the children too.
I’m going to speak to WA, have only done so once before, right at the very beginning, when I thought it may have been easier to get out of the relationship. But I will also speak to Relate and see wmhiw the water lays there.
He’s not mentioned it for a few days and has been really moodie, perhaps now I’ve agreed to go, maybe he’s not so keen anymore!
DD xx

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