Counselling

[KIP.]

I’ve got the opportunity soon to meet to complain to very head of Psycological services about my experiences. Total lack of understanding. Advising me to suggest a trial separation to a violent abuser! How I spent decades of therapy and never once did any of them mention domestic abuse. I spent decades trying to fix a problem that was never mine. The counsellor had no idea of PTSD, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance etc etc. When I went back to my GP to ask for a specialist in domestic abuse and sexual violence she said this wasn’t available on the NHS. So I had to pay privately. So what happens to the women who can’t afford that. Relationship breakdowns? Unable to keep jobs? Suicide attempts? Any suggestions or experiences I can use?

[maddog]

Well done for arranging that meeting KIP. Victory to you! I too have spent too many years trying to solve problems which aren’t mine. I too was advised that MH provision doesn’t include abuse. Just a few sessions of teaching the grindingly obvious to the uninitiated. No amount of CBT seems to reach my husband and no amount of persuasion will help him recognise that he has choices.
It is shocking that gps often don’t know about WA or Rape Crisis or where to go. Especially since DA is so common. Well done you!

[IrisAtwood]

I was treated for depression, anxiety and several suicide attempts during the time I was with my abuser. I am also seeing a provate therapist as there was nothing available via the NHS and a long waiting list for any kind of therapy.

[KIP.]

Thanks ladies I will pass on your comments. Gladly!

[Benson]

I felt compelled to write something here as I am still trying to get counselling/ therapy. I have been on waiting list for two years! I want 1:1 therapy as I am unable to group due to my anxiety. I have been contacted by the therapist team and they told me that they couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do group therapy!!! Obviously they don’t understand why I need it! Anxieties from the abuse have taken over my life, I can out the detail on here, but my life has almost stopped. Today after reading this post, I rang my GP to see if they could speed things up, the GP rang me back and told me that 1:1 therapy has a long waiting list and I will just have to wait.This is not good enough, we have all suffered enough and we should have the therapy we need to end the suffering when we are out so that we can get on with our lives.

[KIP.]

Thanks Benson. I will print all these comments and give them to him. Or read them to him. How dare they question your need for privacy. I remember years ago I went to a counselling session and she had students in. Talk about stress. I just cried. I hate to say but I paid privately as I was in a really bad way. If I could pass on any advice it would be to fund your own therapy with a specialist in domestic abuse and Sexual violence if needed. Does your work have private health care insurance? Even when I did get NHS councelling, two sets of 6 sessions, it was useless.

[SunshineRainflower]

Well done KIP, this really needs to be addressed.

Like everyone else, I have been treated for depression and anxiety. Not one therapist ever asked about abuse in any of my relationships and it was only recently that I looked back and can see that several of my previous relationships were abusive, and that some family members behaviour at times also falls into the category of abuse. I feel like I would be further on with my healing if one of them had years ago. Being treated for depression makes you feel like the problem, and allows the abuse to continue, when actually a lot of the problems were because the people in my life were treating me abusively.

It is crazy that NHS mental health ignore abuse. I also dislike how they know nothing about personality disorders, because in my case I believe my ex had a personality disorder and would love to speak to a therapist who understands this, it would make all the difference to me.

[KIP.]

Thanks sunshine. I too was given drugs for years to treat depression and anxiety. Giving my ex yet more ammunition to call me mentally ill. The drugs just made it easier for him to abuse me. I didn’t need drugs. I didn’t have a mental illness. I had mental injuries due to his abusive behaviour.

[Sullivan]

Am I stupid? I can’t get onto any forum except here. I’m new obviously! I went for councling but they believed my husband and not me. He still continues to do what he wants and I am left feeling so unsupported and unheard that a friend told me about here.

[maddog]

I had a fantastic clinical psychologist who was treating me for eating disorders and severe depression. One day he said to me, I think you have been abused, and I responded, how can that be because there was no sex. It took me, with the help of another psychotherapist decades later to work that one out. I have carried the shame and guilt of the behaviour of others for such a long time. It’s a tough nut to crack. I am now middle aged and only just beginning to feel a blip of freedom thanks to WA and all the people now involved in my life.

[KIP.]

Three cheers for Women’s Aid ❤️ They changed my world

[Lightness]

I had no idea I was being abused until I had a session with a private counsellor. I actually approached her for a different issue. She immediately recognised the abuse and my then husband’s (detail removed by moderator) . I escaped just weeks later – thank goodness. Who knows where I would have been otherwise.

I immediately went to my GP for support after talking to the counsellor. She prescribed beta blockers at my request – I just needed them to be able to act normally while I prepared to exit. She was very kind. The problem though was she tried to suggest I talk to him and tell him I had worked out he had (detail removed by moderator). I followed my gut and did not do this. Thank goodness as that would have put me in more danger. I definitely think GPs need to better understand PDs and abuse.

Thank you for raising this KIP

Lx

[Copperflame]

This is terrible that so many counsellors and therapists are not trained in the dynamics of DV given how prevalent DV is. I was fortunate that in the refuge I was in, we were all fast tracked for specialist DV counselling so I was able to start counselling within a few weeks of arriving (as well as a DV support project). The GP the refuge registered us with was also very understanding. I have recently had a second lot of DV counselling but had to wait several months for that as there is a long waiting list unless you are in refuge. Before I left my ex my GP was understanding and because I was suffering badly from depression and anxiety, referred me to a CPN. I was subsequently referred for CBT but only attended one session as I was then offered a refuge space and left the area.

In my new area there is little by way of counselling or CBT available on the NHS due to funding cuts and the organisation that offers DV counselling has a long waiting list. I think it’s sad that so many women are forced to pay for private therapy because of a lack of resources and specialist training.

Thanks KIP for raising this important issue xx

[Primroseyellow]

when I spoke to my GP about my husbabds behaviour and that I’d been advised that it was abusive, he said oh well it’s difficult to tell what’s abuse and what’s depression (in my husband) I’ve spent another three years struggling on. I’ve known in myself for a long time that he just using his depression as an excuse for his behaviour. It would have helped me so much if the GP had believed me. Especially as I had been to IDAS (Independent Domestic Abuse Support) for advice as I wasn’t sure whether it was abuse or not. I still wonder know if people really believe it. I suppose they have a picture of how they think things are and not realising it’s an illusion put over by hubby. They don’t see the miserable, verbally vicious, unsupportive side of him because he puts over Mr nice guy in public.

[Sullivan]

My husband walked out three times and each time I was told to let him back in. What a mistake! Now he won’t leave and wants me to leave by making life not worth living. He calls me every label like OCD; control freak; dementia; psychogenic etc. He’s trying to make me crack. I have a great job but it’s very temporary unfortunately and only for this o would be susidal.

[Sullivan]

I had that too. He kept threatening me with suciside saying it would be all my fault. He never did it. Three years on and I’m miserable. He’s one clever guy

[Sullivan]

I think some councillors do more harm than good. I know mine on a personal level and she just ignores me in public. Her husband chats with my husband and I find this hard. Why won’t they believe me and why do they believe my bully of a husband? Such a street angel and a house devil

[KIP.]

That Dr Jeckly and Mr Hyde is classic abusers. many people are depressed and they don’t abuse their partners. Mine used to change when the door was closed meaning he could control himself outside when he wanted and chose to abuse with no witnesses. It’s calculated abusive behaviour. Save yourself x

[Outofthis]

I am not sure any counsellors are trained in abuse.
I have a friend who has just qualified (she does not know my history)
She has spent 4 years training to be a counsellor without ever touching on abuse.
My own experience would indicate that this is very much the case.
Jumping from the counsellor who wanted to talk to me about birth order to the last counsellor who know a fair bit as I had been asked to write something before the sessions – who asked me what I had done to provoke the violence and whether I had retaliated.
I did complain
The wrote back blaming me for not feeling understood.
I will never go to another counsellor after the damage the last one did

[KIP.]

Thanks for sharing that. I told the Psycological Services that I would never ever allow the NHS anywhere near my mental health again. And I will tell the head man when I see him!

[Sullivan]

I know the feeling.

[Outofthis]

Absolutely!

[Benson]

After reading your post last week, it gave me the strength to ring my GP and chase up the trauma therapy that I had been put on the waiting list 2 years ago. As in my previous post I had been given a negative response. However, it must have done some good as today I received a call and I start this week! I am now quite sceptical as it is with the NHS and after reading posts they don’t sound good. I am struggling now to get by day to day with the ongoing harassment etc I hope they don’t make my mental health worse!

[KIP.]

Hey there, well done, you can only try. But I would do my own research too on PTDS. My problem was I didn’t know anything about domestic abuse and no amount of teaching me breathing techniques or CBT ever prevented him abusing me. I educated myself. Knowledge is power.

[Benson]

Thanks. I am learning more about domestic abuse from this forum, I have now discovered many things that I thought was just normal behaviour was abuse. I need help to live a normal life as I still can’t do many day to day things due to the abuse I suffered and I need to be able to do them so I can move on and be normal. I have had counselling through SARC and they were amazing, but really could do with something to help me cope with all the rest of the stuff, i am still unable to watch TV, wear my hair down, put the heating on, cook,have lengthy showers- this is just some of it!

[KIP.]

It took me months to remove my ex belongings from the house. The police eventually told me to put them out. But then I brought them back in. I was so brainwashed and the anxiety would kick in. I was given flowers which were a trigger for me as I would often get flowers after and assault (or bizarrely before one). I didn’t understand and walked past them like they were Ebola ridden. Eventually I had to put them out the back door. Just didn’t understand that was my brain trying to process all the trauma and it’s perfectly normal. Eventually your brain will work it all out but we need to retrain our brains not to think that way. Can you try turning the heating on and quickly off then build up to a minute, five minutes etc. All this is the trauma from mental injury. Like broken bones and bruises they will eventually get better. Just know that it’s perfectly NORMAL. Hang in there x

[Benson]

First experience of therapy today, I am absolutely appalled by the whole experience, clearly no idea and even how to start by building rapport- I was just given short sharp questions, I couldn’t answer them, I don’t know when the abuse started and how it started. Can’t believe the response from therapist was he needs putting down.This is the man who I once loved, who is the father of my child. It may be true, but I don’t need to hear it. I can’t go again, I came out in a worse state than I went in.

[KIP.]

Hey Benson, can you ask for another therapist? You’re right about needing to build a rapport. Sadly all therapists are different, have different styles.

[Author]

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