- This topic has 10 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
How do you start talking about the trauma you went through? My counsellor who I’ve seen a few times now says just to start talking at the beginning or some people talk about a certain image and how it makes them feel. But I just don’t know, how do you tell someone who you’ve only met a few times about how you were raped? As much as I want to say it out loud, I don’t want to. My next session is soon and we said I’d try to start talking about it but the closer it gets the more I think I don’t want to do this and have thought of just stopping counselling. I don’t want to use time that someone else who can talk could have. Feel like if i go and can’t talk about it I’ll be wasting their time. But if I stop counselling, what then; im still getting flashbacks and feel I need to somehow work through it. Feeling confused 😞
-
Hey, sounds like you’re not quite ready. It has to be the right time and you have to have built a trusting relationship with the therapist before you can go there.
Do you feel confident yet that this therapist will give you what you need if you do disclose? Has this therapist given you what you need so far? Maybe you need to feel a bit more that it will probably be ok if you do?
My advice to you would be to be open and honest with the therapist, tell the therapist exactly what you have posted here so that you can work out together what needs to happen next. She isn’t going to make you, it is your choice and she will respect this, all you need to do is let her know where you are in this.
You need to feel safe first hey, this can be worked on if this is needed before you go there.
It is important for some people to re visit what happened, to say it out loud, share it with someone. Because it always feels much much bigger on the inside, when it’s out it feels a bit smaller, needed, ok; it releases something within us. It’s very normal to build it up in your mind as you are and to feel fearful. It invokes feelings from the past doesn’t it, so of course this is scary.
Thing is, that was then, this is now, by talking about it, later, in the re visiting, this will remove some of it’s power – when you feel ready to do this.
Up to you; sounds like you need to do a bit more talking with the therapist first xx
-
Hey fizzylem, thank you, your post was really helpful to me. I think there’s something I need to try to do before I disclose just to see if my therapist is right for me and to help me to disclose. I know I’m very good at talking around things and saying how I feel like low in self esteem and that I feel fear and shame but I don’t connect with these when I say them. My deep feelings are way down and I don’t let myself connect to them. Just writing this I’ve realised maybe it’s bevause I don’t want to show my vulnerability. So I think I need to try tell her how deeply my ex affected me from way back. If I can’t do that I won’t be able to disclose as I won’t be able to explain how or why it deeply affected me in a certain way. Maybe I need some understanding who knows as although I can kind of see why I feel a certain way I don’t fully understand it and I don’t know how to work through it so I can move on.
-
Wow, you sound so very insightful, you are clearly working something through here that is really significant. You are wise to be treading cautiously, listening to what your protective inner voice is saying to you, yes slow it down if needed, ‘you set the pace’ – always.
I know this is scary and the emotions are often utterly dreadful arent they, but for me, I cant help but feel excited for you, as you sound like you are taking this slowly, listening to yourself, giving yourself what you need, working it through, taking it one step at a time, in the right direction, all the time moving towards your goal of overcoming this.
Hang in there flower, and keep travelling, be brave yes but always listen to and respond to your thoughts, feelings, self! And eventually, one day you will also do this in the world too! xx
-
-
Fizzylem and Freedomtochoose, I really appreciate your thoughts, its so helpful knowing I have you ladies on here for support. I can figure so much out in my head, I just dont know what to do with it. I need to share something with my counsellor to be able to get some help with it and I want to share it but its that first step, step into the vulnerability which I really dont want to take. ive spent years building my walls up and suppressing my vulnerability and building inner strength, I dont want to go back to that place of vulnerability. The counsellor said that we need to look at it as opening the door to let things out, not taking down the wall. We dont want to take down the wall as we all need to be able to self protect. We need to open door, let it out, process it and close door again and still be able to put our walls up as and when we feel the need to. As in we dont have to do it all at once, talk about a little then stop then a little more or something like that. Ive just remembered she said this. See if I hadn’t of posted here I may not have remembered. I guess I just need to be totally honest with counsellor about how I feel now, even that i’ll find hard. I worry what she will think and ill feel vulnerable, there it is again, vulnerability! eeek!
-
Yes! You’re really making progress aren’t you. This self awareness you’re gaining will arm you, protect you, equip you.
Guess when we are in abusive relationship we learn to put up the wall, that it is wrong to be vulnerable, it is weakness, that he will use this against me as a weopon to try and take me down – this can leave us feeling utterly floored and wrong to be who I am.
We all feel vulnerable from time to time, when we’ve had a bad day, when things aren’t going our way, maybe when we think we may have caused upset, or handled something badly, when we experience a loss or we find something or some challenging – this is because we are human beings with flaws, our strengths are often also our weaknesses – this is what it is to be human for me and we often need to share this part of us with someone as it helps during these times.
To heal is to learn to be real with the self and others; to feel it is ok to be me, however I am feeling.
When we feel vulnerable what we need in that moment is kindness, compassion, understanding, to share the load maybe, love and care.
Didn’t get that did we, so it’s kind of important to choose who we share this part of us with, so this person can meet this need in us – someone we trust and someone we feel will give me what I need. Well that’s what I reckon anyway. It actually leaves me feeling better and closer to this person when it occurs; connected; and sometimes it helps me to understand myself just a little more too x
-
Hi fizzylem, hope your doing ok. I think perpetrators use your vulnerability to abuse you dont they. Mine used to say things like you think too much or your always upset or I don’t want to hear it, or your so needy etc.
You also hide from everyone what your life is really like don’t you so you learn to suppress your true feelings, your fear.Well I went to my counselling despite really not wanting too but then I felt I needed too. I managed to talk about how I don’t want to feel vulnerable again. I don’t want to go back to those places where I was vulnerable. I managed to explain how my ex used to make me feel at times, something that I’ve never told anyone. That was a huge step for me. It was hard and had to keep pushing myself to slow up and connect with the feelings but I did it! I even felt some peace afterwards which I didn’t expect to feel.
-
-
How brave of you, well done, I appreciate reading this post and replies from Fizzylem immensely, as I find therapy terrifying, it’s like going to the dentist, I don’t wish to go but have too.
Your courage to go through with it is inspiring! I guess it is a good approach to start talking about the fear of the therapy itself. When the therapist knows this s/he might go easy on you…
Wishing you success with it and happy healing -
Fizzylem and HopeLifejoy, thank you, for your posts, they are really encouraging and mean a lot to me. I found it helpful to tell the counsellor about how I felt about coming as she had asked me how I felt at my initial session and I thought it important to tell her how I was feeling now a few sessions on. So she can then hopefully help me work through it which she did. I don’t want to go to therapy but then I do want to go as I know I’ve got to the point that I need to if I want to try and heal fully and move on. It’s also the first time for years I’ve had the opportunity to think/focus on me. I don’t want to but increasing flashbacks/nightmares and the intensity of them have made me realise I must to try to to resolve them.
You will get there too in your own time, when the time is right for you.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
