Counselling

[Janedoeissad]

Two years after leaving and I’ve finally started counselling with a counsellor with A LOT of domestic abuse experience.

I had a session last night and we discussed something I thought was rather insignificant but she made me see that it was actually abuse too. I’m sat here the morning after that session with a sudden realisation of just how controlled I was. I’m devastated, crying and wondering what other little things did I miss.

I wasn’t under the illusion I wasn’t controlled but I always thought it wasn’t as bad as other people’s experiences. I always told myself it was bad but it could’ve been a lot worse. I now see it was very bad.

[KIP.]

This process is very difficult. It’s a double edged sword. You need to understand abuse and coercive control to understand and process what happened to you, but accepting that it happened to you will be painful, evoke emotions and feelings. However, you managed to escape that, you’re not the same woman you were two years ago. None of it was your fault. I look back and compare it to being conned by a manipulator and devious mind. I’m sure many people are conned out of their life savings, or conned into buying a rubbish car. We were conned emotionally. It doesn’t mean we take the blame, it wasn’t our fault but you can bet your boots I won’t let it happen again. Also talking about it all will bring back all sorts of feelings so give it 24 hours. Tomorrow will be a better day x

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you KIP.

I am definitely not the same lady I was and I recognise a lot of the abuse thanks to you and others on the forum. I know I would not have got this far without you.

And yes, I am making sure it NEVER happens again. I’m already physically stronger. I’m now working on mentally stronger.

I will try to never take any blame but I am responsible for my recovery.

[Tiffany]

I’m glad you have found some good counselling Jane. I hope you find it helpful long term. I imagine that the early stages will be hard, but if she has the experience, I imagine it will be beneficial long term.

I’m glad to hear you are still working away on your recovery. Hope things are going well for you in the rest of your life.

[Janedoeissad]

Hi Tiffany

Yes she has a lot of good experience, she has even worked for Womens Aid. I’ve only done 2 sessions and I’m already really impressed with her. I’ve had to go private to find someone with that experience but it’s worth every penny.

Aside from the counselling digging up old stuff and my anxiety running silently in the back ground and occasionally knocking me down a little. Life is pretty good.

I’m currently on the hunt for a house of my own, I’m now (removed by moderator) kickboxing, I’ve dropped 4 dress sizes. I adore my freedom.

I’m just in a far better place. I even think I’m in a better place than I was before I even met my ex.

I hope you are OK and everything is OK with you?

[Tiffany]

I’m doing pretty well too. Haven’t found any decent counseling, but I am seeing someone who does CBT at the moment for a brief intervention because of anxiety. She was really helpful in explaining that what I was experiencing was normal as an ex abuse victim – basically my body has trained to be hyper alert for stress, which means that it affects me, even when it is at really low levels. Given the complete bafflement that the doctor’s had when I tried to explain that I wasn’t very stressed, I just got physical symptoms when faced with even very low levels of stress, that was a relief to hear!

Otherwise everything is pretty good. I’m living with my new partner – who is the first man I have ever met who stays on top of the housework without prompting – such an unbelievable contrast with my past abusive experiences. I started a new job recently which I am really enjoying. And I just signed up to try and walk 1000 miles this year.

Still have the health stuff and various legacies of the abuse, but like you I am much happier than I was.

Onwards and Upwards! It’s amazing how much more possible that feels now I am truly free.

[Janedoeissad]

That’s amazing! How exciting that you have moved in with your new partner. He sounds brilliant.

My counsellor is also trained in CBT and she thinks we will be doing some of that over time.

I have the same reaction to stress now and it hadn’t occurred to me that it was due to the abuse. Even the slightest bit of stress triggers my anxiety. I find it frustrating as I used to enjoy a really hectic work environment and enjoyed the buzz, now I find it tiring and anxiety triggering.

Most definitely onwards and upwards. Each day that passes I feel more and more like I could take on anything.

[Tiffany]

Once she said it, it made a lot of sense. And obviously it’s common enough that this woman, who isn’t a domestic abuse specialist recognised it. I am hoping that I can improve it some, although I am finding the breathing exercises she has set me triggering rather than helpful which is tricky. Hopefully we can try another strategy after the next time I see her. Hopefully your counselling will help with the anxiety long term too.

[MeOnScreen]

Hi Jane!

Fabulous, I’m so happy for you ☺️

I’ve been out for 4 years officially but was on and off until last year. I started seeing a counsellor about a month ago. She’s brilliant and has also pointed out things that I didn’t even realise!
Just wondering, is it people’s therapy you are having?
I tried CBT a while ago but it didn’t really work for me.

[Janedoeissad]

Tiffany, I found anything to do with watching my breath triggering. I also found running and getting out of breath almost triggered a panic attack but my kickboxing instructor taught me how to fend it off and so I can run happily now. I’m sure there are other exercises you can do.

Hi MeOnScreeen my counselling isn’t necessarily person centered of whatever they call it. She used a mixture of approaches depending on what’s needed. So she’ll do a little CBT if needed or she’ll use something else again if I need it. She really does get me thinking. Prior to this I’ve done a mindfulness course which was very interesting and helped with stress but it didn’t do much else really

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