Counselling coming up & I'm scared…

[iwillbeok]

I have counselling for his sexual abuse coming up and I’m scared..

I’m scared of facing this – I’ve been so okay (I have my hiccups but in general have been happily free of him). I realise I fell out of love with him a long time ago so don’t miss him (the abusive him or the masked ‘nice’ him either).

What if? What if I can’t tell the counsellor what happened. No, what he did to me. He did this to me. I did not deserve this. No matter what mistakes I made.

I don’t want to go back to remembering what he did to me in detail…

[iwillbeok]

Sorry – battery was about to go flat and I had to plug in before I lost all I had written…

He sexually assalted me. Repeatedly. And it was clearly about control and trying to ‘break me’. I could take no more and had him arrested….

I really don’t want to think about that week… I’m free and getting happier and happier as time goes on… I have my down days but on the whole am glad to be be shot of him.

Do I really want to drag up all that degredation, control and fear again?

I cried and cried and cried a few nights ago, like my heart was breaking. How? How could someone do that to another person? I gave him everything, all of me…. and he treats me like this?!

[Anonymous]

Hi iwillbeok

So sorry you had to go through this
Talking therapy is good hun let it all out .it is hard at first .but it was the best descion i made … i gave my all to my ex
And he ripped my heart out
Most horrid feeling ever..remember it was not your fault ok .. you will heal ..love youself and a lot of self care yer

Sending you healing hugs x

[Serenity]

Hi, I Will Be Ok,

Sorry to hear about all he put you through. What a monster.

I was told that counselling sessions might make you feel worse the first few times, as it’s painful releasing and facing that pain. However, once you begin to release all the poison, you begin to feel better and stronger. It’s like lancing a boil. The pus is being drained from the wound.

At the same time, your counsellor should make you feel safe and listened to. You should feel that you can trust him or her. Most counsellors are wonderful, and a counsellor experienced in abuse cases should deal with your situation sensitively. If you weren’t happy with your counsellor, or didn’t feel safe enough to open up for any reason, you could maybe change counsellor. Trust your gut.

Go slowly. Big hugs x

[iwillbeok]

Thank you Iamfree & Serenity. I guess that’s half the issue.. becuase the adrenaline has mostly gone and he has been oh so compliant with everything I wish (NC, getting his stuff out of the house, etc) I struggle with seeing the monster he was. I did not know I was being abused until he started assaulting me. It was my fault he felt bad and it was my job to make him feel better.

Only over time, speaking with WA lady and reading lots have I had numerous “oh! that’s abuse?” moments. When I made a list it seemed like a moany wife list – only it kept going and going. The repeated non-violent co-ercive rape was the only thing that woke me out of my fog! Before that he was just a grumpy old t**t getting grumpier…

I was living in a fog of survival – one foot in front of the other, get to tomorrow, get to the end of the week, get past the weekend… if he hadn’t shown the true monster beneath I believe I would still be stuck in the horrendous cycle. I now see it for what it was yet somehow… I still downplay it. I don’t talk about it. I am strong and happy and my support people (I’m so so lucky) say how I’m so strong and doing so well and I do too but I feel like such a fraud. Cause I was also being a fraud living 2 lives when in his control. There are still things I can’t do for fear and they are going to bite me. I pay bills late, haven’t checked bank balance in a week..

I need to, as you so rightly say, Serenity. Lance this boil. Remove this disease. The counselling is my chemotherapy! Can feel my strength returning! Sheesh what a rollercoaster ride this life is, hey?

Knowing the women on here have my back and are always ready with words of support makes such a world of difference…

Healing hugs to you all x

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