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I’ve just been telling my mother in law some of the latest things that have gone on .. the need to rock the boat at any given opportunity, the “you don’t love me”s, the swearing and shouting at the children. She suggested that we should go to couples therapy. I pointed out that we are all too scared of him for that – and I’d love to hear what a therapist would say when I listed all the names he has called me, with his justification of “it’s the only way to make you listen”. I can’t see that couples’ counselling can work in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship – but am I wrong? I don’t want to look like I’m not trying, but the thought of it terrifies me … I can’t see that it would do us any good at all. Any thoughts? xx
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Hi, It is in everygood abuse book written said to be a total NO NO, the abuser will take advantage of it, put on the charm and fool the therapist, most therapists are trained to see it as a couples issue not the ABUSE that it is, in the past ive tried this a few times and the last time I will NEVER EVER do it agin,I Walkd out a he sat there with a smug attitude covering up the truth the other thing is the danger that if you spaek to the therapaist in front of him about his behavior there may well be repercussions afterwards toward you, i would say a very definate NO, I was only reading about this last night spare yourself the agony, he will just put on an act and hurt you more, do youhave support yourself from Womens aid that is your best way forward x
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Hello,
Agree with Godschild. He may well agree to going (I’d be surprised if he did) but I can guarantee you’ll pay for it one way or another. Of course, every relationship is different and I only speak from my own experience.
This is issue of abuse – it’s his own behaviour that needs to be addressed first and separately from you.
Couples counselling is also a great opportunity for the abuser to dig up and throw any old dirt on you and twisting whatever has passed between you as your own shortcomings. So that will confuse and bring you down even more. I don’t think you should put yourself through that.
Bottom line – a pattern of name-calling and verbal assaults = total lack of respect. Lack of respect = not even remotely decent relationship, let alone love.
I knew that my husband had no respect for me when he was verbal. Equally, my respect for him gradually eroded as he ignored my repeated and polite requests to stop calling me and other people names.
I wouldn’t bother.
Apple x
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thank you …. that’s kind of what I was thinking. He has already thrown it at me that I spoke to a counsellor in the first place (i.e. women’s aid) .. said that he can’t trust me because of it, but then a couple of weeks later asking if I need more help, and perhaps some pills!??!?! … I’m just fine!!! he isn’t!!! I am getting stronger, and if he just disappeared tomorrow that would be grand, but he would go totally bonkers if I asked him to leave and would scream and shout at everyone, and would never go of his own free will. That’s the bit I’m struggling with .. it’s like I’m waiting for the straw that breaks the camel’s back to say enough’s enough. 🙁 xx
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His mum’s in denial. Suggesting couples therapy is trying to normalise what is in fact abuse. Like him saying he only swears cos you don’t listen. See, it’s going to be your fault, somewhere along the way. You will be held responsible for HIS behaviour. Couples therapy will be all about him justifying how he is right. x
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I’d like to think the Mother-in-law has well meaning intentions but I think you’re right to have major reservations about couples counselling.
It could reinforce his inability to take personal responsibility (remember this isn’t a two person problem, it’s HIS problem). It could also feed any ‘poor me’ positions or give him additional skills and knowledge to control you. -
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I went to therapy once for some jealousy issues that I had, my ex made me go saying that If I didn’t sort it out he would finish with me. I remember when we were sitting in the waiting room, I dont think I have ever seen him looking more smug, in control & at the peak of his n**********c twisted delight at that point – I on the other hand were deeply insecure, frightened, he had got to the core of my soul and he was absolutely loving it. He sat there like the cat who’d got the cream, legs open, leaning back, hands behind his head, seething with arragonce. Exactly like he had achieved his goal of being the almightly king of the castle.
Apple, my ex used to regularly call me his ex wifes name, he managed to do it at special times too. I never ever got an apology, cuddle or explanation. I had to more or less like it or lump it. Each time it happened it was like a knife to my heart, I wasnt allowed to get angry at him for it. X*X
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I went to couples counselling with my ex too. I had to be very careful what I said. The drive home became one of those awful circular arguments that would only end if I admitted blame for everything and apologised. He would go through everything I had said like an interrogation. Another risk of this is that if you do open up your feelings he will use any information against you, please don’t give him any new ammunition. Our counsellor was a man and he actually told my ex it was his essentially his fault, saying he should get his own individual counselling or we should separate. You can imagine how well that went down! So I would definitely say it’s risky but that did me so much good to hear someone independent say that it wasn’t me. Also my ex mother-in-law said he wasn’t as violent as his father so I should just put up with it and don’t dare upset her son. I had naively thought she might have some empathy having been there herself. She hasn’t processed anything and is in complete denial about her son. I’d say this idea terrifies you for good reason – trust your instincts x*x
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Just to reiterate what the others are saying.
I tried couples counselling – he talked and talked (and talked some more) and I sat there eventually staring into space and thinking about my shopping list. At the second session the counsellor told him he needed to give me the opportunity to speak. So he refused to go back. Didn’t help that she was a woman.
I went to my own counsellor (prior to our split) and he would question me relentlessly about what we had talked about. I purposely chose a man, partly to sanity check for myself that I wasn’t taking advice from ‘biased’ women but also partly so that my ex felt more comfortable (!) I had to make stuff up to keep my privacy and to stop him going off on one. Very stressfull. However this male counsellor was the one who kept repeating to me ‘you sound like you are in a abusive relationship’…..
After we split – he refused to co-operate with me on a divorce unless we went to mediation. I refused as I know its completely pointless.
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Hi – I went to 3 sessions with my husband and he was very polite and apologetic and charming in the sessions but he kept bringing up what was discussed in session at home and that was not part of the deal. He couldn’t let go and in the end I just closed up in the session as I couldn’t trust him to not bring it all up later. Our counsellor had not demonstrated to me that she had any understanding of domestic abuse ( mine verbal and controlling ) she just said we needed to find our love language and do something everyday to show our love for each other. I don’t see her anymore !
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