16th February 2016 at 9:32 pm #9808
I used to post here a few years ago.
In short, I left, got divorced, moved somewhere new.
Ex has always seen our child for day contact based on legal advice I had. Now he wants more – overnights, weekends, half the holidays. I have moved a long way away and our child is young – without giving exact age, it’s nursery/ starting school. I have been advised (legally) the contact ex wants will be awarded if he takes me to court, which he is threatening to do. But no one can say what it might be…… does anyone have any experience of contact over long distances?
Also, am in awful devil and the deep blue sea situation in that I made an agreement in mediation for an overnight soon (but under duress as he walked out, taking me to court unless I agreed), and although I know deep-down you can’t work with these men, I am still trying to convince myself that might be a better option than court, where contact will be forced. Have been seeing GP for anxiety, who is of the view it should go through court with all past behaviour raised to formalise it and stop him bullying and harassing. However, solicitor thinks he will come across well and that courts sympathise with long-distance dads, plus there has been a long time of day contact with no issues in terms of child safety.
Devil…. Deep-blue sea.
To get so far, and to have to face all this now is almost more than I can cope with.
Any advice appreciated x
17th February 2016 at 9:52 am #9825Confused123Participant
Not sure of your finaincal situation as i know that has a massive impact on our decision, i think its always best to prolong as long as possible, not sure of details why u left , would child be safe overnight firstly , how is your child with ex? what r u two like at communicating? If u can give more details can try to advise accordingly, based on what u said so far, let him take u to court is long procedure, avoid overnight contact,use age as a reason to start with ,get support ,post as much as u need to on here ladies will give u brill advise, we all at different stages but support each another as all survivors with ongoing issues with the evil ex
17th February 2016 at 10:10 pm #9856
Hi confused, thank you so much for the reply. Financial situation is not great but I can get enough to get through court. Our child has a good relationship with my ex now, has been seeing him for a few years. I was always civil with ex, he would sometimes be fine and then just lose it and get angry because he wanted more contact. Had some mediation sessions and he started off fine, but became aggressive by the second one, threatening court if he didn’t get what he wanted.
I left because he became physically abusive – after years of verbal, threatening behaviour and controlling. He smashed up a laptop, kicked a ladder into a door breaking it, used to stand over me shouting insults in my face. Was aggressive to other people, once smashed up a phone talking to his mum. After our child was born, he pinned me up against the wall when the baby was on the changing table and they could have fallen off, then he smashed up the baby things. I asked him to get help and he did an anger management course. After, he did the same again, but holding our child and shouting in my ear and after he let me go, he punched the wall and broke his hand. That’s when I left and a while later I realised it was abuse and told him and he was sorry and self-referred onto a perpetrator programme. However, he got angry towards the end of the course and threw a cup on the floor and I was warned to stay away. He got very angry when I told him I wanted a divorce and I had to take him to court to get my share.
So, there may be some evidence in court, I have since reported him to the police and there should be medical records and his perp programme if the judge would request it.
But the thing I can’t work out and no one can tell me is what contact the court will award as I’ve been told he will get overnights but what sort of pattern would it be given the age and distance? I can delay the overnights by going to court, but I’m worried my ex will want everything he can possibly get then, whereas he may settle for less now. So if anyone has a similar situation I would really appreciate hearing about it. I also hear that court is a lottery and it depends on the judge and the Cafcass officers you get. I am so scared for my child, but also for my own mental health if I don’t get something official in writing (from court) that means he can’t bully me or threaten me with it anymore.
Thanks again for reading x
17th February 2016 at 10:27 pm #9858Confused123Participant
Let it go through courts , think how your child would feel if he lost his temper with him all alone, hed be traumitized
again he is trying to show control that if u dont listen he will make it difficult
18th February 2016 at 8:58 pm #9894
Thanks, yes, it is my fear, and that something would happen.
I’ve been told courts would award d the contact though.
Is there anyone out there who has any experience of court and how contact would work for a young child over long distances?
Thank you confused, I really appreciate the reply.
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