Covert emotional abuse? Little examples. Feeling petty.

[Anonymous]

So I have tried to think of some of the things he would do which may be emotionally abusive… I feel like they are all such little things and like I’m being petty. But here it is

– Made jokes that would upset me and then say I was too sensitive, don’t get the humour and that it was just a joke. Sometimes then get annoyed and say he wants to break up because we argue too much and he can’t be himself. Even though I just said I didn’t like the joke.

– When doing playful things like play fighting or little accidents when playing (which is normal and fine) he might very minimally hurt me very slightly and I would say so like ‘owch’ or whatever. He would then say that he didn’t hurt me. It’s true it wasn’t a big deal and it didn’t really hurt me much but it’s more his reaction to decide whether someone else is hurt or not.

– Occasionally gave me weird looks like a condescending smirk when I did something which made me feel stupid and like I shouldn’t do it.  (removed by moderator)

– He’d do this sneering expression as well like playfully and not directed at me. He’d do it for no reason really like to express his excited saying he was going to get chocolate from the shop. I feel petty but it just used to slightly disturb me. I know it’s not abusive though. Also when he does impressions of actors/characters or singers he does it in this ‘evil’ sneering way when the person is nothing like that. I mean I guess he is just bad at those impressions but I did find disturbing to be honest.

– Doesn’t take constructive criticism well

– Difficult to get him to see he’s done anything wrong. Often goes round in circles, changes the topic, blames me, ends up making more accusations sometimes etc. Then we aren’t even talking about the original thing which sometimes wasn’t even a big deal to begin with but then his reaction becomes a problem for me and then he says why are you getting worked about the original thing as it is so small when that is not what I’m even upset about anymore so it just gets all confused and I feel like I pushed the topic when he didn’t want to and created a big argument over nothing.. It’s difficult to explain.

– Uses my emotions against me to invalidate what I’m saying. Implies he is in the right because he’s calm. This relates to the above point too as he would refuse to engage in a conversation with me about something as he’d say I wasn’t calm even though I wasn’t raising my voice or being rude or anything was just a bit upset (so I guess it’s fair enough and he’s right in way). Then as it would go on then I would get frustrated and raise my voice which he’d use as evidence. I don’t know though I should have just dropped it and walked away.

– Uses my mental health problem against me in arguments by saying ‘you have OCD!’ or ‘it’s your OCD!’ in an accusatory way to avoid discussing anything. Or does the same thing except with BPD which he decided I have and we don’t know for sure if I have it. (The therapist I saw said I didn’t have it but I only saw her for 3 sessions so..anyway the point is he diagnosed me and used it against me).

– Has a very bad memory especially in arguments. So he won’t remember things he’s done or said, he’ll think I’ve done things which I haven’t and he’ll say that something was fine (which I know he doesn’t think was was fine) to prove that I’m too sensitive/in the wrong with someone else or I shouldn’t be hurt or traumatised by something. Or he’ll forget what was said in an argument a minute ago and sometimes make up something else which was said. I used to just think it was bad memory especially when flustered though which I still think is the case.

– Gets annoyed if I get anxious about being somewhere like a free event we’ve gone to and I want to leave. He then says it was fine even though I don’t think he actually thinks that he just reacts against me not liking something and it inconveniencing him by pretending it was totally fine. Like criticising me for wanting to leave somewhere or not wanting to be near someone like if I speed up when walking to avoid a creepy drunken man or something. He blames this on my ocd too (which it is related to be fair) or just gets annoyed.

– Doesn’t stop straight away when he’s saying or doing something ‘triggering’ for me or that I don’t like like the playing that I mentioned above or something. I say stop and I think it just doesn’t register straight away but he stops eventually once I say some more times.

– Bottles things up and then expresses them in a horrible accusatory way in arguments.

– Says things in arguments which he normally says the opposite of. Then in the argument when questioned he will say that what he is saying in the argument is what he always thinks and he has been lying all the time before to avoid me starting an argument with him and getting mad. Then when he eventually calms down and I ask him again and we discuss he will usually not remember what he said or understand what I’m asking him but eventually usually after quite a long discussion he will say sorry and say he doesn’t really think that. But then in the next argument he might do the exact same thing about the same thing. So it’s difficult to know what the truth is.

– Accuses me of lying, manipulating him, having bad intentions etc. (which is not true to my knowledge).

– He has been sober (removed by moderator) after I got him to stop but at the beginning of our relationship he used to be an alcoholic… There are several things he did whilst drinking but this getting long so I’ll leave it at that and those things were awhile ago now which he hasn’t done since he stopped drinking.

– I used to be suicidal and I had said I wanted to kill myself a few times (which I know would be difficult for him to hear so I regret it now). He said that I was just saying it for attention (which is not true) and got annoyed (which I guess could be understandable as maybe he didn’t know what to do). One time he got really annoyed and told me I should just kill myself.

– Neither of us really have any friends and hardly have met any of each others friends but one time we bumped into this girl from his work when we were out and she introduced the friend she was with to him and he didn’t introduce me. It was awkward because all three of us knew and they were looking at me and I felt embarrassed. It’s just a little thing though and he probably just was socially nervous and forgot. That was one thing which was ages ago tough but I thought I’d include it because it was one of the only times I met someone he knew apart from his family who introduced themselves to me.

– We have both been bad in arguments but when he gets angry and shouts he will say that I started it and it’s my fault. It probably was but still.

– Saying he will break up with me (then later changed his mind usually) but has said that I won’t be happy without him because I’m dysfunctional or whatever and I’ll never be happy in any relationship. Saying I don’t know what a healthy relationship is like in an argument and using what I’ve told him about my unhappy childhood as proof. He used to use most things I told him in confidence against me later in arguments.

– In arguments he would say that I was in the wrong in disagreements I’ve had with nay third parties even though a lot of them he had said he agreed with me and was on my side at the time. Also, when I had a friend (removed by moderator) he said that she thought the same as him about me and acted as if they had spoken about me. When I asked him if they had he said that they hadn’t but that he’s sure she thinks the same and knows what I’m like.

– Often didn’t ask me if I was okay with something before deciding that we would both be doing it. Like we’d be stood outside a restaurant looking at the menu and he’d get excited and decide we would eat there and just start walking in saying yeah he wants to eat there without asking me. (Removed by moderator)

– When he broke me up with me he ran away from me over a misunderstanding. I apologised and explained it was just a misunderstanding and I wasn’t rejecting him but he called me a liar and said I had to admit to lying. I said I can only say sorry for what is true. And he said ‘that’s it isn’t it.’ And ran off from me at (removed by moderator). He’d already moved his stuff out (removed by moderator) and had then taken me back the next saying it was my final chance. So the misunderstanding was just the final straw for him as he said. So he just runs off, blocks my number and doesn’t explain why or talk to me or anything (removed by moderator) and never contacts me again until I follow him and talk to him.

– This was ages ago (removed by moderator) but when I first met him he used to keep commenting on my accent as ‘posh’ (removed by moderator) Then a couple of days later he’d keep saying the same thing. He’d also assume that I didn’t like certain music even when sometimes I’d already told him that I did. It sounds petty but it made me feel insecure and bad. There are other things he did and said at the beginning of our relationship but it was so ago I won’t mention them all of course. That was one which seemed to have stuck in my mind for some reason though.

– Talking about traumatic things when I’d previously asked him not to and not stopping when I asked him to stop to. Then him saying that he just can’t help it.

– Not caring that I was scared of his housemate and making out like it was fine even though my boyfriend hated him too. He’d not care if I was being bothered, scared or bullied/harassed by random strangers either and he’d be nice to them like he was making friends with them. He said it was to avoid further conflict (he is very conflict avoidant with people).

– Recently when he broke up with before taking me back for the ‘final chance’ he was annoyed that I was upset when he brought up something traumatic from the past and I wanted to be alone and not speak to him as I saw the look in his eye when he said and I thought he did it on purpose (I know now it was wrong i should have just accepted his apology when he made i was just scared of what else he’d say at the time and wasn’t thinking straight). So in retaliation he started then talking about it even more once I was speaking to him again. He said that the horrible living conditions were fine (I know he doesn’t actually think that because of how he had reacted at the time too) and that the horrible scary man who lived in that flat share was fine (I know he doesn’t really think that either…) I remind him of some of the things the man did and how he had reacted at the time to it (even he wasn’t actually traumatised like me) and he said he didn’t remember and it didn’t happen. He went on to say that he doesn’t want to be with someone who would be traumatised by something so trivial and that it shows weakness. He said all this stuff about how I should go to war to get some perspective or compare it to be being raped or something. He kept repeating the horrible mans name over and over to me. I was bawling my eyes out. it felt like he was doing it on purpose and he’d also been lying to me for a year saying the opposite of that (I had had a suspicion before that it wasn’t genuine that he had cared). Anyway I left in tears and later when I’d calmed down I begged for him back and said I don’t mind about that and I know he didn’t mean it really. And I apologised for everything bad I’d done. He never said sorry or anything but didn’t disagree when I said I know he doesn’t really think those things. In a way I liked it because it did get it out in the open him saying all that and I know we don’t have to agree on everything of course. So he said he’d take me back on a final chance. Then a couple of days later he left me again and I told some parts of that story already. Sorry I’m making this long now anyway so I won’t go on.

[Healthyarchive]

Have a look on the forum for threads with words like covert, gas lighting, silent treatment, coercive control, controlling behaviour. Helpful reading material. There are hundreds of threads on here with those topics. You will get the answers that you are looking for.

You WILL crack this.

There is tons of advice on this forum, I spend hours on it. X*X

[Serenity]

Many of your examples, my ex was guilty of.

What the examples you gave all demonstrate is a devaluing of you and a lack of respect towards you.

Our abusers get away with it by making us question whether it is our fault, and take our confidence so we don’t leave. They lose respect even more if we do this.

I think their lack of respect reaches beyond is, however. We would probably find a long line of friend, exes and family members who all complain of being disrespected by him, and their bad behaviour extends beyond us. ( unfortunately, some of them gave families who enable them by not standing up to them.)

I think it is very hard to remain upbeat and peaceful if you live with an abuser. They drag you into their negative world.

[Author]

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