Covert (detail removed by moderator)

[Eve1]

My head is all over the place tonight. My teen daughter has decided to try medication for her anxiety and a she was at her dad’s this weekendI thought it best to tell him when he came to pick her up. He knew it was a possibility as she’d told him. I thought about what I was going to say and said it and it was fine. Normally when he comes I say nothing as he’s just collecting her from the door and the only other contact we have is occasional texts if necessary, so I am as “no contact’ as I can be. Over the weekend she texted me to ask if it was ok if she went out to tea with her dad one day next week, which i said was fine, but which of course set my mind running as it’s not what he normally does. When I went to collect her, she wasn’t quite ready. Again normally there’d be no contact with him but this time he stood at the door obviously with something to ask and he asked about the pub thing and wnen the school holidays were. It sounds ridiculous but it’s made me feel awful, more and more as the night’s gone on. It almost took me back to what our life was like together. He”s not the most fluent, eloquent speaker, but his haltingness kind of pulls you in and makes you give a lot of attention. I feel like I’ve given him the impression that I’ll speak to him about our daughter’s health, which I won’t.

I’ve been listening to some you tube videos about covert (detail removed by moderator) and he definitely had those traits. He appears mild mannered, sees himself as the victim, seems self doubting, but that’s his mask. It’s horrible. Even this little interaction we’ve had probably gives him ammunition.

I just want to protect my daughter. She can’t see any bad in him, I don’t think.

So sad.

xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi eve

You are doing all you can.

Sadly are children can’t or maybe wont see their farther for what they really are. They may in time like we did realise.

Good luck to you both

FS xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Eve, my ex was covert as well and did the whole victim thing, pretending to be anxious, inarticulate, stupid, incapable, the lovable buffoon, whichever worked for the individual situation, none of which turned out to be true. I know exactly what you mean by feeling upset by something that sounds so innocuous. This is what kept me there and so confused for so long. He has absolutely taken your talking to him as a green light to push the boundary a little further and increase his interactions with you. You feel justifiably anxious because you know exactly where interaction with him leads.
Reinforce the boundary, get back to grey rock and take back control. Does he actually need to come right to your door? Keeping yourself as far away from any contact is the best way to keep yourself sane and therefore protect your daughter as you will be unconsciously giving her permission to make the same choices in her own time if she chooses to xx

[Jupiter]

Hi

My ex has been abusive my whole adult life and because he refuses to go for therapy(he avoids exposure) he is unworked out mentally, forever repeating his nasty tactics. Now grandkids are here, he acts the nice guy grandpa,using covert methods to hurt me through them,all the time reeling the girl into his games.I feel real anger hearing about how he plays for sympathy,making out he is a poor victim when he isnt at all.The latest is a yarn about how a sibling bullied him etc when in fact, years ago he always spoke of him with affection. All the women on this forum are true survivors managing our traumatic symptoms as the fallout of abuse but my ex does not share this outcome: he has worked at his career with no time out sick and has no anxiety, depression or anything similar.His state of health does not match his pathetic lie of victimhood which would have impacted his daily life and profession.He might think this is a clever ploy but he has slipped up showing that his claims do not match his life actions.Even a top brain can slip up big time, just as all abusers do at some point.
Jupiter x

[Eve1]

Thank you for your replies and for understanding. Perhaps I didn’t really need to say anything to him in the first place but to me it was the adult, normal thing to do.

I don’t know how to deal with him coming to the door. He used to come in, then I always went to the door and took the bags from him and he seemed to get the message. And I do the same at his. I think doing things differently would involve me expressing it either to him, or to my daughter. I’ve thought of doing this before but it didn’t seem worth it. It seems if I say it to him I’m being confrontational and if I ask her to bring her own bags in it gives him the opportunity to let him make me look petty in her eyes. OMG just in writing this I see and feel how tangled I get trying to do a simple thing that involves me being’strong’ with him. How much strategy a simple thing involves. I think it can be done though.

Helps so much to come on here.

xx

[Serenity]

Any contact is toxic, isn’t it?

Diverting and mumbling and losing track in conversation is a tactic of keeping someone there for longer. I know abusers who do this. They keep you hanging on, trying to make sense of what they are saying.

I think any woman who is able to go so near their abuser ex is showing courage- I couldn’t bear any contact at all. But the contact is unsettling, isn’t it?

Go back to distancing yourself, Eve! x

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