- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I was doing so well, have had some great days, enjoying new adventures and had an amazing birthday by enjoying a stress free day out with my little child. But suddenly have had several not very nice calls on a withheld number which has knocked me, plus a threat via a friend. This evening I have crashed and was an emotional wreck in front of my child- something I have never done before. I wanted to walk and never return, in fact I walked out of the front door and down the drive. I stopped myself by telling myself my child only has me, no one else. I have never done this before and it did scare me a little. I have since kept myself busy with household chores, which have calmed my emotions. Typing this and reading it back, I feel so stupid, can’t believe I keep letting something so small get to me! Is this normal?
-
Oh Benson my heart goes out to you. My husband is a master at making me feel my behaviour is extreme. I have had a terrible week trying to understand why I am crying, confused and feeling so abused and hurt. He looks at me with utter contempt and keeps conversation to the minimum.On the face of it he is being calm and polite. His behaviour goes in cycles. This time last week he was raging at me saying I wasn’t even fit to be called a human being, all because I had visited my grandchildren for a couple of days. He was beside himself with rage and anger because this proved how selfish and thoughtless I was and had no regard for his well being. The arrangements I put in place for him whilst on this short visit went well beyond love, care and kindness but is never enough. Last (detail removed by moderator) he went off on his own and when I asked if he would like me to join him for lunch he was appalled at the idea. Today he has gone off again but told me where he would be and the time he would have lunch. I thanked him for the invitation, to which he replied it was not an invitation it was up to me wether I turned up.
My instinct is to stay away but I know he will use this as yet another example of my difficult, weird behaviour.
I am going to have a shower and spruce myself up. I know I am better than this and my plight is nothing compared with what you and so many on this forum talk about. I wish I could wrap you in a big, big hug. X -
Pudding, I read your response, and felt guilty that I had even written it, when ladies like yourself are living in it everyday. I am lucky that I am free to some extent as I have moved away and he does not know where I am. Try to look after yourself and perhaps go and spend more time with your grandchildren, creating happy memories!
-
Hi Benson
I am so glad to hear you are doing well. You are brave and strong. Thank You for giving some of that to me. My children and grandchildren are pure sunshine in my life. I keep their photographs with me and when I see them we make videos together. This helps me to remember the really important things in life. I have leaned over the years words can only hurt me if I let them. Some days I struggle that’s when I hit the floor. Finding this forum has help me get up. Thank you all you lovely people. X
-
-
Had my first counselling session in my new area today, very nervous and didn’t know how I would respond after yesterday. Didn’t say much as it was the initial one but feel quite positive about it and somehow came out feeling lighter. What I did say the therapist was quite shocked – reinforces his behaviour wasn’t normal and it wasn’t me! What does worry me is that it brought up a lot of things I had forgotten, things I don’t want to think about. How do I stop this as I don’t have another session for a while?
-
hi Benson,
sorry to hear about the harassement you have been experiencing. It is awfully difficult to heal when you keep being harassed by messages when all you want to do it to move on and for them to leave you alone. Please do not beat yourself up. I was a nervous crying wreck after he showed up and tried to contact me, because it brought back the anxiety and all the horrible feelings I had when with him, I think it was my body going into a panic mode, and then I felt terribly exhausted. So be gentle on yourself. I find that therapy helps and in the long run they tend to focus on you and healing, rather than reliving the relationship so try and stick with it and see how you feel. When my mind is going crazy and I get flashbacks I try immediately go to a happy place – a memory that I have of something that I have achieved and I am proud of, something ideally from the time before I even knew him or something I achieved recently, after leaving. Then, if I have to do chores I put a podcast on, to keep my mind occupied. If I have free time, I watch a show that is lighthearted and that I have seen before, so I do not feel like I have to focus too much. This is not much but maybe you will find it helpful. Sending you hugs and do not feel bad for reaching out here – I am, too so grateful to be in much easier situation that many of the lovely ladies here, and I recognise and I am in awe of their strength, but it is okay to feel weak or sad or scared ourselves and have s****y days. XX -
Thanks Banks for your suggestions for calming your mind. It is really strange as yesterday I had a really big flashback if something I hadn’t remembered or relived until then. At the time I thought I must write this down as It is something I could talk through with my counsellor- but today I can’t remember the flashback at all, it’s like my mind has already shut it away. I have had a lovely day today and last night I managed to sleep, I haven’t slept through the night for a long time. I had so much more energy today!
-
-
Hello Benson,
Just wanted to say in solidarity – in the past x years I have had many, many moments with my child (now early teens) where I have honestly felt I couldn’t go on another step – and done exactly what you did…walking down the drive etc.I just wanted to say, Benson, I think this is completely normal. With a good relationship you (and I) would have back up, someone to talk to – who might say – ‘never mind go and I have a break love – I’ll look after the kids for a bit…’ – but we didn’t have a ‘good’ relationship or that support and so we have had to find ways and means of dealing with these moments on our own.
I often get the feeling I struggle and incidentally one of the things I struggle most with is how some people seem to view me. Because when I do get the feedback (for example I phone Parentline for a chat or the Samaritans freephone on 116 123) – just because the latter is available 24/7 – when I do get the feedback and put things into perspective I realise I have been doing incredible things for a long time, yes with some support but mostly on my own, being the captain of the ship.
Now I feel the trick is to reassess every so often what my own needs are, and in particular constantly reassess what I am doing for my own self-care and self-support in terms of little breaks when I need them.
It sounds like you are doing brilliantly. Show me a parent who says they have never had moments like this – and I’ll show you a big fibber! It is impossible to like other people all the time, especially our children. Yes, we love them and are there for them (as you clearly are) – which is a huge emotional commitment – but we don’t always like their behaviour.
I had a strange wake up call the other day when I met a (male) parent who used to go to the old school – he must have been the worst parent I’ve ever met – said he had ‘lost’ his kids, partner refused to let him see them (I wonder why) – he boasted about meeting up with three women that day – and was off t Thailand (for some horrible mischief no doubt…).
I said nothing about his life but the next day I felt angry that my ex had constantly criticised my parenting and told me persistently I would never make it….but here I am nearly a decade later and not only have I got this far with my babes she is healthly, sociable happy and doing brilliantly at school.
We have these moments, we all do, I’m sure of it. Lack of sleep, too many stressors that day…pushed and pulled by people wanting pieces of us emotionally that maybe we can’t deliver on, or don’t want to.
I’m learning more about my boundaries as you can tell. Saying no, drawing them and meaning it.
all best
ftc
x -
Hello, Benson. I want to acknowledge that I have felt like you have, so that you know you are not alone. I used to think about packing a suitcase and just taking off. I used to ring Parentline so much that they used to recognise my voice ‘Oh, I think I’ve spoken to you before…’. I used to just get through every day, tell myself, just get to the end of this day. Then a good day would come along. I felt guilty about it but now I look back and realise what I was having to cope with, not just bringing up a child, but dealing with an abusive man, always in the background trying to push back at me, threatening to destroy my life, willing to use anything to frighten me, even the safety of his own child. Anyway, my daughter is growing up and I am starting to feel more optimistic. I am very changed because of the abuse, but I do think I have earned the right to call myself a survivor. I didn’t used to like that term, but it means something to me now. I am thinking about booking myself in for some counselling session because I want to regain a more positive state of mind and deal with the issue of fear in my life. I’ve been so afraid at times that its been paralysing for me. I don’t want to talk about him, I want to talk about me and what i’d like my life to be moving forward. When I’ve had memories, or feel fear creeping up on me, I’ve been telling myself to put it away in a box and not look at it for ‘x’ amount of time and focus on something that makes me feel good. I’ve found that helps, especially at nighttime, because i’ve had trouble sleeping. When I go to bed, I say, right, now think about something good, and that’s how I fall asleep (for me eating a little something that’s warm and a warm drink also help). I’m also thinking about complementary therapies, I used to be really into aromatherapy and massage but I let it go years ago, in fact I havent been looking after myself at all, not like I used to, so I’m thinking about that again. A friend once told me, do something nice for yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be anything big or expensive, even if its just buying yourself a new soap or a small,scented candle. Just something to look forward to at the end of your day, because getting a pat on the back or some form of acknowledgement from someone else is a rarity, I’ve found. The bottom line for me has been my daughter; love for my child, to keep going for her, even when I felt dead inside. Now, I am beginning to think I have a future too, one in which I don’t feel afraid of him and he can’t get to me.
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
