Creeping doubts and letting him guilt me

[searchingforhope]

This rollercoaster is so extreme, I started today with hope, a lovely sunny morning and I felt better than last two days. But then texts from him just sent me down again. Must be in contact cause of kids and he is seeing them soon for a day, so had to arrange, but its his wording and the way he phrases the messages, just sticks the knife in. I’m completely to blame in this, I’ve created this separation and he wants things to work. It’s not even been a month of him being gone, but I don’t feel fully free really. There is an increased ease for sure, but today I definitely felt like guilt was starting to suck me back in. I know I would go back for kids sake or to give into him, but I haven’t come this far to turn back. I’d be completely ignoring my needs and my gut, which I’ve only just recently realised I should listen to.
I met with solicitor this week so that’s another step, but not ready to go any further with that at the moment either. It’s like I can take all the steps in the right direction but wonder when will it all be behind me? Will it ever be fully behind me? I guess I know it will always be a part of me. I’ve written down the things that were not ok. I should probably read them more often. As it’s emotional and coercive it’s harder to pinpoint and to explain and sometimes I question my reality so much. I guess writing things down over the last year as I’ve been journalling more has made me realise I’m not getting it all wrong.
But when he so easily turns everything back on me its so hard. That I didn’t give it a proper chance, didn’t try everything. But he can’t see I spent years giving everything and he just took me for granted and didn’t show love and care when I needed it.
When there are kids involved it just complicates it so much more. They are coping well so far. But when he keeps telling me I’ve scarred them for life, even though I try to let it wash off and logic tell me i’ll support them, they will get through this. I guess those words are still sitting inside me somewhere in my subconscious eating away at me.
I’m very much rambling now, but just needed to offload I guess.

There has to be brighter days ahead again. I’m so tired and exhausted from it all. I don’t know what is normal or healthy anymore. Everything I question.

Sending you all love that needs it. Thanks for support here. It’s horrible to hear others plight, but a strange comfort in knowing someone really gets it

[Twisted Sister]

hi searchingforhope

yes, it is such a rollercoaster, and yes, everyone here really does hear and get what you are saying, and how unsettling and unnerving it can be.

You are so on the right track with your journaling and recognising it.

You know, sometimes I think, you can walk away just because, that it doesn’t have to have all the twisting and turning and writhing and struggling, just knowing you are unhappy is enough, that you want it to stop is enough. You don’t ever have to reconsider your decision, you are listening to your gut and now know whats right for you, and you leave because of the kids not stay for them. You are doing them a favour, and sometimes, maybe oftentimes, it doesn’t feel like it because of the continual post-separation abuse, but this is where you have to put in extra measures to stamp it out straight away.

You use a third party, offer regular dates/times, if they can’t make it then its a no. no other communication required. He has to know there is no further access to you, because all access is abusive access, whether to try coerce you negatively, or positively, its all abuse.

Keep strong, and doing what you’re doing

warmest wishes

ts

[searchingforhope]

Thanks @twistedsister, that’s good advice. This path is far from a straight forward one. I’ve accomodated him so much for so many years, when he says he can’t make it I feel I should change things to accomodate him. But then even today, I said (detail removed by moderator). If he wanted to make the most of his time with them he would get anything else done and be here as early as possible. I would if it was me.

I’ve tried to suggest days and times and be as accomodating as possible but he just uses it as ways to give more abuse. His suggestion is (detail removed by moderator), that is not an option in my opinion. I’m not going living out of a bag at this stage of my life.

Day by day is all I can do and at the moment its more hour by hour.. Thanks.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi searchingforhope

yeah, this is always difficult, as we’ve become so very conditioned to ‘accommodate’! that is the perfect word for it. We accommodate all their demands, always.

That was when we were with them, and now that you’re separated its part of the hang-over from the years of conditioning that we don’t seem to have another way than to remain embroiled in their webs, their very sticky webs that keep us hooked into conversations (and abuse).

However, there is no accommodating to do. You all have your own lives now, and you offer whats available, what fits in with your schedule, and what the children want, whilst giving them time to just do nothing, lots of down time, play and outside activities, and then offer a set day a week, or every other week, whatever the children/you come to as your needs/wants suit. Thats what you offer, and if he can’t do that, then he doesn’t do that. Keep a record of all his cancellations/lates/alterations, you may well need it to prove that you have been offering regular contact. If nothing else, children need consistency and some predictability in their lives, they benenfit from having a routine to hang onto during turbulent times. They need to have free head space for long spells when their heads can be free of wondering if dads coming, or when they’ll see him next/how it will be so they can fill their heads with healthy living and fun stuff.

warmest wishes

ts

[searchingforhope]

if he can’t do that, then he doesn’t do that – that’s so useful. I guess I feel in ways I’m not strong enough to fully stand up to him all the time. Like I’ve gotten much better, but I guess I’m picking my battles. Some days I’m strong enough to hold steady and other days it doesn’t happen for me.
I know I’m getting stronger, I guess that’s what has shocked him, that I’m holding firm better. Whereas before I just crumbled. Not that he sees it that way, his version of events is that I control everything.
Trying to build myself and prepare for the next steps, but for now, I just feel I want things to settle, I just want peace for a bit, but then, maybe that’s too much to ask. I just don’t feel like pushing forward more right now. I want to go at my pace, not his.

[Twisted Sister]

well said, and you reminded me of something also, its taken me back to being scared to say ‘no’, so I completely understand what you are saying there. It is ok though, to offer the dates that fit around the kids and you can manage, and if they are refused, then so be it, he’ll have to wait for the next available one.

Its hectic, having to do school work, just the routine of the day, and meeting with friends for play, having down time, is all necessary, so it really is a case of fitting in a time for them, but if that doesn’t suit, when they don’t have all those challenges in their life, but maybe some social plans of their own that they prioritise!

Everyone knows how much that peace is needed, and you take it. xx

[searchingforhope]

I do need peace, but then if I stop, I have too much time to think. I’m working FT. Taken no time off work, bar a morning off to do my hair which I told no one about. I priortise kids needs and activities and never my own. It was always his and kids needs. I was never seen by him as needing anything.
That must change. As the kids need to see that it is normal for me to do things for me too. I don’t want them making mistake I have made. One of the things that got me to here is thinking I wouldn’t want my children in this situation ever. I do genuinely think the kids would not want me being with him unhappy for “their sake”. But it’s hard when he says I’ve detroyed their lives.

I’m tired and I need to sleep. Hour by hour day by day for now. Trying to logically think it all through, I’m not sure how much logic can be applied to this mess though.

Thank you again x*x

[Twisted Sister]

oh bless you, yes, completely hear that. Its a juggle isn’t it, and its new at the moment, you will get more used to the newness and it become more routine for you.

Prioritising your needs, and showing the kids how to prioritise theirs is an amazing place to get to!

What ‘he says’, is what we all struggle so bad with, but actually, now, you know, that what you say, firstly isn’t abusive, and is coming from a place of love, and care, and right now a priority.

Hope you can find you moments of peace and rest.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

I wish i had some fab words of wisdom as you so often help others on here I wish I could do the same. I can only imagine how hard it must be to leave and to always have guilt as to if you did the right thing i dont know how old your kids are and I know it will get deleted anyway but for me mine are adults and older teens and I wiah with all my heart I had left so many years ago. They suffer from anxiety and i eieve thats my fault for staying kids arent stupid are they? Although im very good at keeping my feelings hidden they pick up on things and they know more than we ever let on so You leaving will help them sweetie as well as you. You have shown them that we do not have to put up with bullying abusive behaviour and that we can be strong so well done to you.
I think it will take you alot of time and talking to heal sweetie and during that time i guess you will doubt yourself over and over again but you need to believe in yourself and believe you did whats best and you really did he will always try and win you back these men are nothing without is and they know that too. You are the stronger one even though at times im sure you dont feel it but you most definatly are.
Keep taking those baby steps foward however small they may be just keep going foward and dont look back dont ever go back.
For what its worth I think you are amazing.
Sending hugs xxxx

[Twisted Sister]

hi nbumblebee

He’s the abuser, and its saddening to hear you say its your fault in some way. Sadly, because its not only the children that are abused, but the women are under this same abuse too, its only ever their fault.

If the children were suffering abuse and your head was free of it, you would see it all so clearly and have greater strength, but you’ve been abused too. In healthier relationships its the two parents that are the adults, and they partnership is strong as they parent, the children are guided under that partnership, but as an abused woman/mother, you are on the same level as the children, and he is the dominator, at the top, in command, no matter how much and in what ways you try to fight it, he’s the boss and will not be subjected to other’s needs and wants. He’s at the top and we the abused are at the bottom, on the same level as the children, this removes your options and choices. Thats his fault, not yours. Sadly our society doesn’t recognise or act, in many ways that could really empower women, and remove abusers from family life.

You are not to blame, he is abusing and you are struggling under it, along with the children. Please be kind to yourself and you can only do what you can do. xx

warmest wishes

ts

p.s. I edited and removed my previous reply because I wasn’t sure I had made the reply to you, so you might not have seen it.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. Its so hard to see it in your own life we can see it in others but never in ourselves.
Thank you for your kind words x

[Twisted Sister]

“Thank you. Its so hard to see it in your own life we can see it in others but never in ourselves.”

This ^ …so very true

[searchingforhope]

There are days I come on here desperate for guidance and help and reassurance and if somedays I can give that to others then great. Some days I feel I can’t even think to formulate a reply or advice. I just know how desperate I feel some days for support. I’m lucky I have wonderful family and friends support. Like one of my friends said last week, he is the only one saying the bad things about me. The only one. So I need to take less weight in the stuff that he says.
You’re so right that they see and hear and observe more than we think. Some comments they have made to me since has made me realise that and like you I thought I was shielding them. I’m not a loud arguementative person, so I thought they weren’t noticing. I’m very much someone who bites my tongue to keep the peace.
It’s absolutely not your fault and you must never feel that. It’s so hard to navigate all this. Like I said above, I want time to settle, gather my thoughts.
He’s been different (detail removed by moderator) when he dropped kids off, some of the comments were a bit guilt inducing, but they aren’t weighing on me so heavy this evening, I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because he’s not due to be around to kids for few days again. I’ve been very much on edge this week waiting for a blow up and surprisingly it hasn’t come.
Maybe he sees I’m serious now.
Like it’s such an upheaval the way our lives and the kids lives are now. It happens everyday and the kids will adjust. They seem to be doing well so far thankfully. But then it was almost unbearable the emotional abuse and coercion. I had been strong for so long when he said i must leave and I refused. But it got to the stage that for my sanity I felt I had to leave. Then he did a u-turn and left. But his accomodation at the moment is ridiculous and now telling me it can’t continue, which isn’t surprising either. I can’t really explain much as it will get too detailed. He explained the awkwardness of situation and partly why the accomodation won’t work, but then retreated saying he said too much and didn’t mean to put any pressure on me. Seems genuine, but at the same time, there are so many things that make me now trust him I don’t really know. Maybe i’m being hard on him. I wonder have I mis-read things. But then I can’t have mis-read everything and if I feel things weren’t right, then surely my gut and feelings are guiding me.
In many ways I feel I have my answer to keep moving forward, my dream would be a happy home for me and kids, with him not in the picture at all. But realistically that won’t happen, not for the foreseeable future anyway as kids need to see him. As long as he treats them right I don’t mind that. But I wonder am I right to keep moving forward. I wish I could disclose more details. But then I’ve told a number of people about the things that I wasn’t ok with. They agreed those things were not healthy or right. Yet no matter how many of my support network say that, I still question it, I still doubt myself. I think well I’m the only one feeling this, I’m the only one who can know. Am I actually right in saying its abuse and coercion?
He doesn’t want it to end. Yet I really don’t know can I ever be happy again with him. We have a family event in (detail removed by moderator) that i want to get to without another big change or blow up. I want to get to that keeping things stable and civil for kids. SO I’ll go day by day for now.
There is so much bad news within my family and locally and internationally right now. The world just seems a scary place and just can’t comprehend it all at times. Things will have to improve, won’t they?

I think I’m waffling too much now. Time to wind down for sleep

Hope you are all ok – take care x*x

[nbumblebee]

We cannot take the weight of the worlds problems upon our own sholders sweetie.
Yes it is a scarey place to be but there will always be some k******d that wants a power struggle wants a fight we cannot be responcible for it all. What we can do is look out for those we love and ourselves and that is exactly what you are doing and have done.
Ypu know deep down he is an abusive man whatever type of abuse it was it doesnt matter dont go back to dounting that he hurt you made you feel so low regardless of the word abuse thats not right thats not a marriage or relationship you deserve so regardless of what you want to call it you have very right to leave.
Lean on those around you be proud of what ypu have done by leaving him, dont take on his accodation problems they are his worries not yours he did this not you.
Just keep moving foward as slowly as you need too.
Sending hugs x

[searchingforhope]

Thank you, some days its easier than others to work through this and even how things can change throughout a day is unreal also.

I get what you are saying about not taking on worries about his accomodation needs and your right, but its difficult. I think he thought he was calling my bluff, I don’t know did he think I would ever let him leave. Hoping he will just leave me be for now.

Chatting to my friends and mother this morning trying to figure this out. Like I don’t know could I ever go back, it wouldn’t mean a very happy life for me but I don’t know am I actually ready to keep moving forward yet either. Does that make sense?

Hope you are having a good day today. x*x

[nbumblebee]

Yep makes perfect sense Im still here and i hate it every day but I believe that without him my life would be worse Im useless and wont be able to cope alone so I out up with his words his control his nastyness the silence the sexual control I continue to self harm to use food as a weapon to balme myself every second of every day because i cant leave so yes makes perfect sense but after reading that above are you now not thinking how I should leave? How i would be better off alone safer eventually happier? How I shouldnt have to live this way? Now think about you about your life about why you left about how happier you are now i know you have guilt i know you still most likely love and care for him but if you believe i would be better off away surely you must see you are too?
As i said above we can so often see it in others but never in ourselves.
Only you can decide and you alone im just trying to help you see. Our eyes are in the front of our heads so we can look foward sweetie outlr toes point fowards so we can move fowards. X

[searchingforhope]

I’m so sorry to hear that is how you feel your life will be. Nobody deserves to feel like that. Especially be made feel like that by the person that you thought you could always count on. You’re so right, it’s so easy to see for others and it’s so clear. But there is certainly huge fog and uncertainty then when its in relation to ourselves. Just need to bide my time for now, need to get past family occasion in (detail removed by moderator).
If he’s sick of waiting for my decision, can’t he make the decision himself. He’s doing exactly what he did before i told him I wanted a break. I think the money aspect is one of his main concerns. It always will me and that annoys me so much.

Only we can make the decision for the future and I think that’s the hardest part. As much advice, research, support and everything else. It comes down to us at the end of it all.
I really hope that you too will see that you can stand on your own two feet and have a happier life. You very much deserve to have that. Please take care. You are not useless and you will learn to cope yourself. Baby steps. Be kinder to yourself. Your the person you spend the most time with, go easy on yourself.

x*x

[Twisted Sister]

see

[Anonymous]

Searching separating is something you had to do for your own survival, never think you didn’t try enough, abuse is a crime against the body heart soul mind every bit of you so never regret or blame yourself for it, abusers know exactly where to stick the knife in to punish you for taking your necessary power back (he’s angry he’s lost control) he know your kids are your world so he using that (it’s just more toxic manipulation) journaling is amazing it helps you see things from an outside perspective being in abuse is like drowning in invisible waters being pulled out then being put on the fastest rollercoaster ever then repeat it’s so confusing and coercion is so subtle and confusing it’s hard to know that it’s even being done, you’ve done the right thing 🥂 ☀️

[Author]

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