Creepy

[I want to break free]

I think my ex might be obsessing over me. I am feeling a bit creeped out. My ex was always competitive with me when we were together. He always had to be better than me at everything. Since we separated which was sometime ago now this has continued through child contact. If he hears I am doing something, he is doing that too (but better). Even things he hates doing is suddenly a topic for conversation and competition if he gets wind that i am doing it. It was a bit of a joke for a while – I used to think I ought to make up outlandish things that I am doing so he can compeat with them (sky diving ? Bungee jumping? ). But recently I have started to find it creepy. I have had as little contact with him as I can manage given that we have a child and have to communicate. When ever he has our child and she is talking to me on the phone – he tries to talk to me on the phone as well and join in the conversation. It is like nothing has happened like he has popped out with her and will be home soon. He has sent his clothes home mixed up with hers by “accident”. What is worrying me is there was always a paranoid quality to his thinking, I know he fantasies and makes things up. He told other people that we had a coffee and discussed getting back together (when this meeting did not occur). Tonight it struck me that leading up to his last assault he was very competitive with me and got very jealous of the things I am doing – I try to keep as much of what I am doing out of his way but it is difficult as we have a child together and she will often let things slip.
What if his obsession spills over into violence ? how do I get out of this one-sided competition I am in with him? I just feel a little bit like a sitting duck waiting for him to have another mental health break down and do something to me. There has been no violence since we split up so there is no real basis for me to say that I think he might be violent again. Non mol has long run out. It just that there has been lots of creepy stuff. Is that normal in post abuse separation? Will it ease off in time? Its all a bit stalkerish. This is the first time for ages that I have felt unsafe again. I have done everything possible in terms of home security. Handover with my daughter always happens under cameras and I always bring a friend. There is not much I can do more than I am doing for my personal safety but all the same I feel like I am vulnerable – if he looses it. Its just a sick feeling at the pit of my stomach – saying I know these dynamics and I know they are not safe.

[Confused123]

HI Hun

Its good u have got these precautions in place, always trust your gut, may be your gut is warnign u to always be alert with him, never allow him in house and try keep what u do private where possible so u not pulled into his games

[Serenity]

Hi I Want to Break Free,

My ex ‘accidentally’ puts items of his clothes into the clothes my children return home with.

It’s a typical calling card. Something to make you feel you’ve made contact and to unnerve you.

My mon-mol has long run out too.

All we can do is log everything, times and dates. If his behaviour escalates, these examples will be valuable, to prove ax insistent pattern.

[I want to break free]

Thanks Serenity ! Its weird isn’t it? I am sort of reassured to know that I am not the only one who is having to deal with it. Its strange how they use the same tactics – like there is an abuser school that they all go to! To be honest I have not logged it. I got so bored of logging everything – now I think I must start logging things again. What did you do with the item of clothing? Did you return it ? or chuck it in the bin? I have to confess I washed it and put it back in the suitcase so it got returned, but now i Ihink that might have been the wrong thing to do. There was an incident earlier in the year that the police said was stalking but you need two incidents in 6 months for it fit with the legal definition of stalking. Now I think this behaviour is quite stakerish. I just know his thinking is warped. I know there is danger – the danger has not yet passed and I need to be vigilant. But I just dont know what else I can do. People tell me I should report it again but honestly its not a crime to be competative or to accidentally send your washing home – Who would listen ? who would give me the time of day? That is how they get away with it for so long – we know the dynamics are disturbing but to others who don’t understand it just sounds like i am being paranoid and over anxious.
Thanks also for your comments confused123 its is good to trust my gut instint – I just dont know what else to do to respond to it now.

[Serenity]

Hi,

I washed them with my son’s clothes and kept them in the laundry basket for a few weeks, not wanting to do with them, but eventually chucked them with relish.

Al, these little things add up. They are trying to operate under the radar, but if you write a log, it shows how continuous it is.

My ex isn’t even meant to be on my road, never mind my property. My son left his shoes at his, and my ex crept on the drive and positioned the shoes against my front door.

x

[Lilycat]

Hi I Want to Break Free,

I have a similar but different situation where my abusers- my ex and his adult child- have done and still do obsessive and competing things to try to keep me down. This stepchild even rubbed out my notch in the family height chart and ‘shrunk’ me by two inches to make me feel small. They also had foot-size envy so lied to me that they were a shoe size bigger than they were, because I have bigger feet then them and they wanted somehow to ‘close the difference’… How nuts is that?

My mother gave me some simple but helpful advice. She noted that this pettiness is a game to these people and an unhealthy self-referencing game at that. People who do these things are n**********c and think that everything is about them. So, remind yourself that you are not playing, you have taken the choice to leave and not abide by their rules, and you are carving out a new life for yourself.

Whilst they are stuck in the world of their minuscule obsessions, you are moving onwards and upwards. Who is the winner in all of this?… Exactly. 😉

Be well

Lilycat x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear I want to Break Free,

I can completely understand what you are describing. I ask myself what we have done to get involved with such dangerous men. It is at the moment become a bit of a cat and mouse situation with me so scared, frightened and on edge. I believe that behind all of that I am intelligent and very resourceful. I will find a way through this, its just when you are in the thick of it it drains you of energy and pulls the rug from underneath your feet. My ex has begun to resume contact with me after a period of NC, I am terrified. (Removed by moderator) so cannot get to me physically but it is the psychological damage that it is doing to me, i feel like a scared little girl constantly looking over my shoulder. (Removed by moderator) I am viewing this is just another phase in what I am having to deal with as a result of knowing him.

X*X

[Author]

Posts